All, everything, the whole, has no beginning and no end. All happens at once, every possible outcome, every possible cause and effect. There is no forward and no backwards, there is just a perpetual loop of continuous eternal existence. Nothing starts or finishes, it just changes, manifesting, evolving into infinite possibilities. Imagine that, constant change, constant evolution, forever, without conclusion.
Yet even though it is constantly growing, forever amassing newness, it is always whole, it is always everything. It can only ever be this way, it can only ever be full, or empty, never half, never quarter, this is the way of the Infinitiverse.
How can it be empty, nothing, if it is whole and full? Well for every positive there is a negative, for every right, there is a left, and so for everything there is also nothing. From nothing, something magical can form, if you clear your mind, empty it of all thoughts, dwell in the deep effortless flow of serenity. You can, if you are lucky, find a special thought and from that spark of electricity, from that glimmer of light, an amazing conscious idea can evolve.
We humans have to see all as beginning and ending, without this we would probably not be able to exist; we would be confused and unable to focus. But if we can for a brief time try to imagine the wonderful reality around us, as having no beginning and no ending, just existing in perfect harmony. If we can try to imagine that, we will be all the better for it.
I am quite sure many people around the world try it every day when they meditate, or clear their thoughts, for meditation is a humans way to seeing the Infinitiverse without beginning and without end. Unfortunately not enough do, and I will admit to being one, but at least at times I try to find this form of peace, to clear the tangled web in my head to enter the realm of infinite possibilities. To clear the clutter and gain some kind of kindred spirit with myself and what I am. I just wish I was better at it, better at seeing the world without time, without form, without the clutter. To see everything in all its splendour and glory, to see its beauty without beginning and without end.
Friday, 8 October 2010
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Glorious Dream
Not tired and a little bored, so thought of this, it’s a bit whimsical and well a bit luvvy duvvy mush, but hey that’s how I feel when a beautiful woman walks past me.
Across the misty due of the morning, the radiant warmth from the orange, red sun slowly opens it eyes on a bright new day. Across the fields of lush, damp, grass, across the trees in blossom, and the rainbow coloured flowers in bloom. The day is dawning, its wakes, a sigh, a longing gaze, delightful tenderness, a youthful freshness, begins the morn.
I watch, I wait, I notice, I see, the most beautiful creation, so delicate, so quaint, enchanting, mesmerising, a smell like silky heaven, she flows past, without effort, without care. Her striking features stand out, her flowing raven hair, eyes as dark as a solar eclipse, lips lush pale rouge, pouting, desirably. She’s wearing a brilliant white three quarter Mac, large belt across her tiny waste, its length, long enough to only show the bottom of her black skirt. Her legs are slender, perfect pins, long, lustrous, sensual, she glides slowly away from where I stand. My eyes transfixed, my mind betwixt, my heart a flutter, my mouth so dry, my body quivers and I cannot move, glued to the spot. Hypnotic trance its lasts so short a time, then fleetingly gone, within the blink of an eye, my daze rescinds, as my mind clears. And then she’s gone forever.
My heart is racing, pounding with all its might; I look around, quick anxious glances, where did she go, this heavenly dream, where did she disappear too? I sigh, a lonely sigh, dejected, forlorn, in contemplation. I shrug, I smile, I realise, I must have been trapped in a glorious dream, a wonderful feeling, I was mesmerised, lost in splendid aspiration. Now my day would be a better day, a happier day, a special day because of one small glimpse at her perfect beauty and grace.
Monday, 4 October 2010
What is wrong with the world?
I feel so mad and stressed I could scream, we live in a shit world; we live in a nasty, heinous world. For anyone who does not know, I am supposed to be recovering from a nervous breakdown, I have many emotional issues I am trying to come to terms with, I am sick of feeling like I feel. I want to get better but the world does not want me to get better, it seems hell bent on making me worse. When I first was ill, the wonderful doctors gave me pills that made me feel worse, then when I told them they doubled the dose. This made me feel so bad, to the point of being suicidal, to add to my misery, my landlord for the block of flats I live in started to renovate, for five or six months all I could hear was banging and drilling. The drilling was so bad it made the room vibrate, it cracked the ceiling, but did anyone care, no of course not, no one gave a damn. I tried to tell my doctor how bad I was feeling but they never listen, I tried to tell the council about the noise, but they didn’t care, I wrote to my European MP’s and received an email saying how I should get some help – no shit.
In January as I stood on a bridge, looking over the freezing cold water, I wanted to end my life, I wanted to die, I hated existence so much it drove me insane, I felt alone, I felt no on listened or cared. I thought about how I would end my life, would I jump off the bridge or run in front of a car or train. Maybe I should take pills or slash my wrists, believe me I thought of every possible way, but I could not do it, I did not know if I wanted to die, but I knew I did not want to be alive, as a cripple or scarred, that would be worse. So I didn’t do it, but I hated my life, I could not go home, the noise of the drilling was that bad, I did not know what to do. I suddenly realised why so many people just attempt suicide, just to be heard, I have never understood that in the past, but then it was glaringly obvious. When no one ever listens the only thing to do is something so extreme, so terrible, maybe they will finally listen. My state worsened and I ended up in hospital, but since I told them I was not going to kill myself I was kicked out like a Christmas pet that no one wants.
I was a mess, I was paranoid and delusional, I found out work were giving out voluntary redundancy, yet they had not told me, this made me worse. When I was told of the package, I did not know what to do, do I take the money, when I feel so dreadful, so out of focus. I was advised to not accept, and to get well, work told me I would go on their insurance policy which would cover me for 75% of my wage, I did not realise what would entail and I was never fully told.
When the time came to getting the insurance, I had to go through many questionnaires,. They made me feel worse, I was now stressing about whether I would be accepted or not, this did not help my recovery. Then they told me three months after I would have to claim a portion of the money from the government, approximately £4670 from the government, not a small amount of money. I started the claim I was told I had to fill in more forms and I waited ages before hearing back, then I had to go for a medical assessment, and then I waited hoping they would pay me soon. Since my work had taken the money I should have been receiving off the government off me, I was really skint. I had no money, I had spent my whole working life clearing off debt, and now I was in debt again, this of course made me feel more stressed, more ill. The only thing keeping me going was writing my blog, I felt I had to just stay calm, the money would eventually come.
Today though, since I had not heard anything from the government, I rang them, which is an incredibly hard thing for me to do, and they told me I was not entitled to any money from them. They had not even bothered to tell me, they would have just left me to wonder until I could ring up. Now what do I do, how do I get that extra money I need to survive? I feel miserable, alone without hope, for every time I hope; every time I try to be positive, I seem to get knocked back down. I always seem to have to get back up and start again; I am starting to get sick of having to do this. What does it take in this world for life to be better than this?
I haven’t edited this, it is just written as I thought of it, it is how I feel and why I am so unhappy, I don’t want to be like this. I want to get well, but it seems I will never get well, because society does not care or give a damn about it citizens.
I would have written this and filed it away like the many others I have written, but to hell with that, this is me and what I have to put up with. I want to change it; I keep on hoping I will.
In January as I stood on a bridge, looking over the freezing cold water, I wanted to end my life, I wanted to die, I hated existence so much it drove me insane, I felt alone, I felt no on listened or cared. I thought about how I would end my life, would I jump off the bridge or run in front of a car or train. Maybe I should take pills or slash my wrists, believe me I thought of every possible way, but I could not do it, I did not know if I wanted to die, but I knew I did not want to be alive, as a cripple or scarred, that would be worse. So I didn’t do it, but I hated my life, I could not go home, the noise of the drilling was that bad, I did not know what to do. I suddenly realised why so many people just attempt suicide, just to be heard, I have never understood that in the past, but then it was glaringly obvious. When no one ever listens the only thing to do is something so extreme, so terrible, maybe they will finally listen. My state worsened and I ended up in hospital, but since I told them I was not going to kill myself I was kicked out like a Christmas pet that no one wants.
I was a mess, I was paranoid and delusional, I found out work were giving out voluntary redundancy, yet they had not told me, this made me worse. When I was told of the package, I did not know what to do, do I take the money, when I feel so dreadful, so out of focus. I was advised to not accept, and to get well, work told me I would go on their insurance policy which would cover me for 75% of my wage, I did not realise what would entail and I was never fully told.
When the time came to getting the insurance, I had to go through many questionnaires,. They made me feel worse, I was now stressing about whether I would be accepted or not, this did not help my recovery. Then they told me three months after I would have to claim a portion of the money from the government, approximately £4670 from the government, not a small amount of money. I started the claim I was told I had to fill in more forms and I waited ages before hearing back, then I had to go for a medical assessment, and then I waited hoping they would pay me soon. Since my work had taken the money I should have been receiving off the government off me, I was really skint. I had no money, I had spent my whole working life clearing off debt, and now I was in debt again, this of course made me feel more stressed, more ill. The only thing keeping me going was writing my blog, I felt I had to just stay calm, the money would eventually come.
Today though, since I had not heard anything from the government, I rang them, which is an incredibly hard thing for me to do, and they told me I was not entitled to any money from them. They had not even bothered to tell me, they would have just left me to wonder until I could ring up. Now what do I do, how do I get that extra money I need to survive? I feel miserable, alone without hope, for every time I hope; every time I try to be positive, I seem to get knocked back down. I always seem to have to get back up and start again; I am starting to get sick of having to do this. What does it take in this world for life to be better than this?
I haven’t edited this, it is just written as I thought of it, it is how I feel and why I am so unhappy, I don’t want to be like this. I want to get well, but it seems I will never get well, because society does not care or give a damn about it citizens.
I would have written this and filed it away like the many others I have written, but to hell with that, this is me and what I have to put up with. I want to change it; I keep on hoping I will.
Time
Time, it’s a strange old thing; we have daytime and night time, morning, afternoon and evening. We notice midday noon, and midnight, breakfast time, lunchtime and dinner time. Time is all around us we are driven by time, it keeps our body clock in order, it stresses us when we feel we are losing time. What is time though? What is the slow tick tock of time?
I mentioned before that to me time is nothing, it is virtual anomaly, it is a human creation, the foundation of a stable society. Without time the world would not work, we would not be able to schedule, to plan, to develop as effectively as we do. But can the time we use on Earth be used throughout the Universe, I know people will call me crazy but I don’t think so, time is a human perspective, it is the repetitive motion of our planet, around the Sun. We base time on the revolutions of our planet, which is 24 hours. We then use the cycles of the Moon to roughly create the months, then we use the long cycle the cycle around the Sun to create years. We use years for everything; how far light travels in a year, how old the Universe is, but for some weird reason I feel we cannot use time for before we existed and before the Earth orbited the Sun. OK it is a mad idea but everything before the birth of civilised humanity or the Sun, is retrospective, in a weird sort of way. I know we can theorise about the age of things far from Earth, but it is incredibly vague, we may think it is precise, but how precise it is? I don’t know, maybe a cosmologist will start screaming at me and my thoughts, but that is all it is thoughts. I am probably wrong, but it all doesn’t seem right to me.
So in conclusion, we need time on planet Earth it is the invisible motion forward to keep us all in check, but as far as the Universe is concerned I think over time, we will realise another form of measure. Whatever it maybe.
I mentioned before that to me time is nothing, it is virtual anomaly, it is a human creation, the foundation of a stable society. Without time the world would not work, we would not be able to schedule, to plan, to develop as effectively as we do. But can the time we use on Earth be used throughout the Universe, I know people will call me crazy but I don’t think so, time is a human perspective, it is the repetitive motion of our planet, around the Sun. We base time on the revolutions of our planet, which is 24 hours. We then use the cycles of the Moon to roughly create the months, then we use the long cycle the cycle around the Sun to create years. We use years for everything; how far light travels in a year, how old the Universe is, but for some weird reason I feel we cannot use time for before we existed and before the Earth orbited the Sun. OK it is a mad idea but everything before the birth of civilised humanity or the Sun, is retrospective, in a weird sort of way. I know we can theorise about the age of things far from Earth, but it is incredibly vague, we may think it is precise, but how precise it is? I don’t know, maybe a cosmologist will start screaming at me and my thoughts, but that is all it is thoughts. I am probably wrong, but it all doesn’t seem right to me.
So in conclusion, we need time on planet Earth it is the invisible motion forward to keep us all in check, but as far as the Universe is concerned I think over time, we will realise another form of measure. Whatever it maybe.
Saturday, 2 October 2010
Life so full of grace.
Found this poem on one of my note pads, don’t even remember writing it, but I like it in a weird sort of way.
Life so full of grace,
Yet fleeting in its haste,
We dance the dance,
We play the games,
We laugh, we sing,
We feel we can do almost anything.
But then we lay down at the end,
The final part we have to mend,
We have laughed and cried, we made new friends,
Our journey of mysterious blend,
The last dying flicker, the last long bend,
What lies in stone, will surely send,
Us all into oblivion.
Friday, 1 October 2010
Religion – What does it all mean?
I will freely admit I have given religion a hard time in my blog; I have ridiculed it, demonised it, and basically tried to make everyone glaring aware of how bad I think religion is for society. You don’t have to look far to see why I have come to this conclusion, more death than anyone could ever imagine has been caused through religion. More misery, more pain, more heartache, more torment and torture, so why do people still like it?
I know there are the vast majority of religious folk, who gain some kind of love, emotional attachment, a bond, a kindness and friendship, in believing in their chosen religion. But let’s be honest here, they are few and far between. Most if they were allowed to be honest, hate religion, hate how it suppresses them, hate how it makes them pretend to be something they are not. Imagine how frightening it must be to be gay living in Alabama, holy shit, thank god I’m not gay, and thank god I don’t live in Alabama.
Imagine what it is like to be a young woman living in the Middle East, she has just been raped by a man, she is frightened, scared to death, yet she is judged by her religion to be the one at fault. How scary is that, when we live in a supposed civilised world. What about the Asian girl from Manchester, who is told she will be marrying, a man twice her age, from a country she knows little about, she is made aware that this man owns her and can do anything he wants to her. She has no choice but to marry him, if she doesn’t she is banished, excommunicated from her family, she may even be murdered.
Think of the family in Africa, they are poor and have nothing, they are told that contraception is a sin and that they will go to hell. Yet they live in hell, with eight children, the mother has Aids and the father, well he died years ago. The children, they have to learn the ways of the tribe, they are forced into having life shattering mutilations, performed on them before they are of age.
I could go on, I am sure that most of the people who are religious, and do get some kind of kindred spirit from believing in god, whatever the god maybe. I am sure they are decent, nice people, who would never want to harm a soul. But it’s unfortunate that they mask the evil of others, they allow it to fester and grow, because they do nothing to stamp it out. Maybe if religion was there to benefit humans instead of itself, I would think differently, but religion is selfish, it is cruel and it is illogical.
I will never understand religion, even when I was young I thought the whole business preposterous, total rubbish, and I suspect most others do to, whether they would like to admit or not.
I know there are the vast majority of religious folk, who gain some kind of love, emotional attachment, a bond, a kindness and friendship, in believing in their chosen religion. But let’s be honest here, they are few and far between. Most if they were allowed to be honest, hate religion, hate how it suppresses them, hate how it makes them pretend to be something they are not. Imagine how frightening it must be to be gay living in Alabama, holy shit, thank god I’m not gay, and thank god I don’t live in Alabama.
Imagine what it is like to be a young woman living in the Middle East, she has just been raped by a man, she is frightened, scared to death, yet she is judged by her religion to be the one at fault. How scary is that, when we live in a supposed civilised world. What about the Asian girl from Manchester, who is told she will be marrying, a man twice her age, from a country she knows little about, she is made aware that this man owns her and can do anything he wants to her. She has no choice but to marry him, if she doesn’t she is banished, excommunicated from her family, she may even be murdered.
Think of the family in Africa, they are poor and have nothing, they are told that contraception is a sin and that they will go to hell. Yet they live in hell, with eight children, the mother has Aids and the father, well he died years ago. The children, they have to learn the ways of the tribe, they are forced into having life shattering mutilations, performed on them before they are of age.
I could go on, I am sure that most of the people who are religious, and do get some kind of kindred spirit from believing in god, whatever the god maybe. I am sure they are decent, nice people, who would never want to harm a soul. But it’s unfortunate that they mask the evil of others, they allow it to fester and grow, because they do nothing to stamp it out. Maybe if religion was there to benefit humans instead of itself, I would think differently, but religion is selfish, it is cruel and it is illogical.
I will never understand religion, even when I was young I thought the whole business preposterous, total rubbish, and I suspect most others do to, whether they would like to admit or not.
The Wonder of Everything
Do you ever marvel at the beauty of our Planet? Do you ever gasp in wonder at all that you see around you? We are blessed to have such incredible splendour throughout the globe. In some ways the grace and elegance of our planet enlightens my mind but also haunts my soul. I want to see all the magnificence the world has to offer, yet I feel sometimes that it is unreachable. Now I crave a yearning and desire to see the world, our beautiful blue Planet, Planet Earth.
I want to see Stonehenge, and Machu Picchu, the Grand Canyon, and Mount Everest. I want to stand at the top of the Empire State Building, or gaze over Los Angeles from the Hollywood sign. I want to swim through the Great Barrier Reef, and climb Kilimanjaro, watch the Northern Lights swoon across the sky, and swim with Dolphins.
I want to travel across Europe and visit the great cities, I want to marvel at the Sistine Chapel, and stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I want to fly over the Nazca Lines, and walk over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, as well as bungee jump in New Zealand. I want to walk along the Great Wall of China, and stare aghast at the super skyscrapers in Bahrain and Abu Dhabi.
The list is endless, and if I was to continue to name everything in this amazing world I want to see, I would be writing for a week.
I realised that my life was not going to give me the pleasure of seeing these gifts of the world, unless I changed it. Though changing it has brought its own problems, and difficulties, I feel I will eventually be able to hopefully live out my dreams, instead of just imagining them. That is the hard part though, changing deep set beliefs and safety mechanisms, to try and make me a better person and hopefully one day I will be able to put my issues behind me, and move forward.
Even when all you see is darkness, you have to believe that there is a light at the end, even if the light is faint, almost invisible, you have to always believe, positively. I have to believe that there is a light, and that I will be able to accomplish my dreams and desires, the day I stop believing is the day I fade away and die.
I am not ready to die yet, I will succeed, that pushes me to get well, to not give in and become full of despair, and gloom. I will not fail, although, it seems as though the journey is difficult, and harder than I ever imagined it to be. But I will never give up hope, and that will drive me to succeed, and eventually whenever it may be, I will see the wonder of everything.
I want to see Stonehenge, and Machu Picchu, the Grand Canyon, and Mount Everest. I want to stand at the top of the Empire State Building, or gaze over Los Angeles from the Hollywood sign. I want to swim through the Great Barrier Reef, and climb Kilimanjaro, watch the Northern Lights swoon across the sky, and swim with Dolphins.
I want to travel across Europe and visit the great cities, I want to marvel at the Sistine Chapel, and stand at the top of the Eiffel Tower. I want to fly over the Nazca Lines, and walk over the Sydney Harbour Bridge, as well as bungee jump in New Zealand. I want to walk along the Great Wall of China, and stare aghast at the super skyscrapers in Bahrain and Abu Dhabi.
The list is endless, and if I was to continue to name everything in this amazing world I want to see, I would be writing for a week.
I realised that my life was not going to give me the pleasure of seeing these gifts of the world, unless I changed it. Though changing it has brought its own problems, and difficulties, I feel I will eventually be able to hopefully live out my dreams, instead of just imagining them. That is the hard part though, changing deep set beliefs and safety mechanisms, to try and make me a better person and hopefully one day I will be able to put my issues behind me, and move forward.
Even when all you see is darkness, you have to believe that there is a light at the end, even if the light is faint, almost invisible, you have to always believe, positively. I have to believe that there is a light, and that I will be able to accomplish my dreams and desires, the day I stop believing is the day I fade away and die.
I am not ready to die yet, I will succeed, that pushes me to get well, to not give in and become full of despair, and gloom. I will not fail, although, it seems as though the journey is difficult, and harder than I ever imagined it to be. But I will never give up hope, and that will drive me to succeed, and eventually whenever it may be, I will see the wonder of everything.
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