Not used in a long Time

A life is a funny old game we play. I was once unhappy with my life,  so I decided to write this blog and I called it the CaptiveThinker.  Captive because I was trapped in a nightmare, unable to break free, unable to fathom how to get out of the chasm I found myself in.  I was deep in dire shit, unable to control my life. I was in the hands of others and they made my life a living hell.

I would not like to call myself a control freak, but I do like to be in control, I like to know that it is me who decides my future, not someone else.

I suffered a significant amount of mental damage over those years when I had lost my control and I was a captive thinker.  When one loses control, one loses their dignity, their sanity slowly worsens, you become a shell of your former self.  You hide away, not wanting to be seen, for if you are seen, and someone you know, someone you may have cared for even, says how are you?  It is hard not to become emotional and say no life is not good.  Life is so sad I want to tell you to go away and leave me alone and let me wallow in my self-pity for a while longer.

When you start to feel this way you begin to become irrational and say and do things without realising you are doing it.  You turn into a Jekyll and Hide character, or should I  say a caricature of what you think life might or should be.  You stay awake at night and only ever leave your house when you feel there is less likelihood of people being around.  You start to hate being near people they scare you, make you have to face the fact you are now in your own mind a demon. Someone who cannot ever be happy and unfortunately because the problem is mental it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Your head in is turmoil, you are unable to realise what you are doing things that are not normal.  You lose all sense of reality.  Your mind switches off sometimes for days, and strange things happen, you can create a fantastic painting or you can drink too much and take copious amounts of drugs until your mind comes back to reality. Then you are unaware of what you have done, or, at least, youthink you are aware, it is more like a dream or a nightmare depending on the outcome.  This is scary, when I used to dissociate and go places in my mind, I am unable to describe.

There that is what it is like when one is mentally ill and has no control over one's life.  Now, I have control and though I still suffer from mental illness. (I would like to say I am not at all ashamed of being bipolar and all the other mental illnesses my psychiatrist says I may or may not have).  One does not tell a person with cancer it is wrong to say they have cancer, well I have a mental illness, so there and I have no issue with this fact, at least, I do not now.  I am trying my very best to use this new control I have to create a new and better life for myself and now I am in control, I have no excuses, I will win and not fail.

When the Tobacco fields turn into Marijuana fields

I read this morning an excellent article in the Guardian regarding the banning of "legal highs", or to be more precise anything that has a psychoactive effect on the brain.  To me, that seems as if they are banning anything that creates an emotion, they want to turn us into emotionless automatons.  Since most things have a psychoactive effect on the brain how do they apply this ridiculous law?

What happens when in a couple of years the US, legalises marijuana, cannabis, or hemp, and all the tobacco fields suddenly turn into cannabis fields.  With the way the US lobbying system works, once one can make large amounts of money growing, as well as on Wall Street, on weed, how will the UK or any other country stop legalisation?

Once it is legal and profitable in the US, good old snivelling UK will suddenly be all for the legalisation of weed.  All the obvious reasons that they presently ignore, these pathetic politicians will suddenly use as if they have always thought this way, but party alliance has made them speak differently.

Does it make a difference if they suddenly make illegal highs legal?

Tobacco will eventually be such an evil that it will make perfect sense for any wealthy billionaire tobacco company shareholder, to force their company to change to cannabis.  Since the rich billionaires rule Washington, once it is profitable and viable, we will see a seismic shift in drug policy.  Then how foolish will our inept government look.

I predict the end of the banning of Marijuana around the world before 2020, possibly even earlier.   

The Theory of Everything using Imagination

The greatest problem in science is the ability to find a theory to combine the very large with the very small. This has tested the minds of some of the greatest scientists of all time. I am not a scientist, however I have a creative mind and I find there must be a simple answer. What can this simple answer be? Is it a beautiful equation, or an fantastic diagram, no, it is how we see the world and why it is the only way to figure out the theory of everything.

To work out the theory of everything, one has to use ones imagination and imagine the world of the subatomic particle and the madness that is happening. The way atoms and subatomic particles act is so far removed from how large objects like planets, stars galaxies act. Nevertheless, try to imagine that the way the world of the very small acts, is the norm. That everything is jumping around in and out of dimensions, between different universes, and in more than one place at the same time. This is how the universe is at any size, or level. What makes the very larger seem stable is the fact we observe the universe from this perspective. This creates our reality, and we can only see our reality in this stable state, because we could not comprehend the actual madness of how the universe is acting if we saw the universe from the perspective of an atom.

Limits and parameters keep our reality in check, so we see only what our simplistic senses can handle. This also brings us closer to recognising the multi-universe theory, however there must still be an order to how the objects of the universe act, if there was not, how could we create our reality in the first place. It would be simply impossible to create a reality without an order to the madness, quarks, atoms, molecules, living entities, planets, stars and galaxies, even the universe and beyond must work in some kind of order. How and why subatomic particles jump to and from different places in space, can be calculated to a probability, then that being said so these probabilities should be used to calculate other dimensions and universes and how the how infinitiverse in created.

Blind Deaf and Dumb

I fly in my mind,

Whispering forgotten dreams,

Never knowing what it means,

I feel lost in clouds,

Perhaps I should shout out, loud,

Knowing it will not be heard,

As deafening as a vacuum,

All around, yet nowhere near,

Oh well I am not a seer,

Now, brought down to Earth by one’s own mind,

How kind, however now I am blind.

Reality of lies

We are alive in a place where life is not living,

Where the world we see is a fabrication,

An inherently evil creation,

Born out of frustration,

We have evolved to believe in oblivion,

That doom is the norm,

Considered by all to be there but forgotten,

Hidden behind rhetoric and scorn,

Until one day it is real,

And we then make it a big deal,

For we cannot conceal, the truth.

A Beast with Many Heads

Never understood that reason has no reason,

Decisions have major consequences,

Do I have the strength to honour myself?

Will the deal be good, or end in terrible tears,

I suspect it will end in tears, as the beast is stubborn,

As the Whore of Babylon had seven heads,

I face a beast with many heads,

Some more dangerous than others,

We will soon see the path I must take,

Let us pray they do not make a stupid mistake,

One easily avoided.

I dream of a day

I dream of a day when I wake up without anxiety,

I wake up without pain, and unbearable agony,

I dream of a day when the sheets are not soaked in sweat,

And I do not feel, I live every minute full of regret.

I dream of a day when I can feel the suns warmth on my skin,

I can look out at the ocean and know life can begin,

I dream of a day when I can see all the stars, shining, bright,

Just lying there looking up at them, oh what a sight.

I dream of day when your worries are gone,

Never forgotten just gone, even vanished,

I dream of the day when the world is all replenished,

Can one dream of such a day in this world we live in today.