Overdose attempt 20 or so...

 I have not written for a while, but I am sitting here, it's 5.30 am and I thought I would add my thoughts about my latest suicide attempt, which I now realise was an overdose, my stupid mind thinking taken 50 10 mg of diazepam would make me happy.

It was different this time, usually, when I try, it is a half-hearted attempt, take too many pills, you know you'll likely survive, and I always do, I always wake up.

What made this attempt different is that I am living with knee and leg pain.  For years my get out of jail free card was exercise, fitness, being physically healthy, and so I could always use exercise to save me, it was my safety blanket. Now, this is not the case; arthritis is crippling my knees and causing unimaginable pain at times.  My left leg will not straighten, and I limp around like an 80-year-old.  When I attempt to go for walks, my 74-year-old mother can walk quicker than I can.  As I am now unable to straighten my left leg as it causes shooting pain, I find it challenging to get to sleep.  The drugs I take I starting to not work in helping me sleep, I wake up in pain, if I have moved while asleep.  When I do wake up, I lie there staring at the ceiling full of anxiety and depression because the pain is so extreme when first getting out of bed to make you want to cry.  I have to sit down to descend the stairs because the pain is so bad after waking.

I am sure many people have lied in bed in the wee dark hours wondering is it all worth it.  All I think about is, if this is what my life is going to be like, I am only 49 for god's sake, then what's the point.  

I've tried to commit suicide many times before, reliving abuse from my childhood; however, physical pain is like adding a constipated turd on top of a shit sandwich.

As if living with this is not bad enough, we have COVID to contend with, and it seems it's an excuse to go back to the days when the NHS took bloody ages because of long waiting lists before helping anyone.  

Speaking of COVID, presently, a bunch of morons are running the country, they do not have one clue what to do.  Is it not about time that there were training and exams before being able to take the highest offices of power in this country?

Why did they not use the temporary Nightingale hospitals for COVID and leave the regular hospitals for elective surgeries, for people with cancer and all the other ailments that are far more important than bloody COVID?  It seems as though the world governments want to destroy everything and send us back to the stone age.  The world is on a precipice similar to the 1930s; it feels like we are a Gavrilo Princip moment away from WW3.  Perhaps the disgraceful death of George Floyd is that moment, but it feels something worse is still to come.

COVID seemed dangerous in the beginning, but now it kills next to no-one, and yet we are living like its NAZI Germany or Stalinist Russia.  

We are a spit away from a major war, either between left and right, or  China and the west. Civil unrest is going to continue, and the buffoons at the top - Johnson and Trump, and god forbid senile Biden - let's face it we're are all fucked.

Consequently, after being stuck in lockdown with depression and anxiety, severe pain in my legs and knees, bouts of insomnia, and a feeling of despair and dissatisfaction, I decided to take 30-40 10mg diazepam. 

I have no recollection of what happened apart from a dream-like state which I felt after the attempt.

According to my mother, I was screaming that I was in so much pain in my legs that I could not take it anymore.  The paramedics came and took my meds from me, and I went to the hospital.  I had vague dream-like memories of trying to speak saying I was fine but being unable to communicate a coherent sentence.  It was like being extremely drunk.

I was also not allowed any visitors because of COVID, and sometime in the early hours, I was discharged still in a fugue state, still unable to communicate and without any money or my phone.  How I managed to get home is anyone's guess.

I do not know if the NHS was helpful or not, it did not seem as though they were and I thought of all those virtue signallers clapping for the brave NHS - what a load of bollocks. 

It seems the NHS has regressed. They have no money, and they seem to be using COVID as an excuse to do nothing to help people.  More people are dying from everything other than COVID presently.  This sham of a government is bumbling along like Johnson always does, like when he was stuck on the zip wire, and fat fool unable to do anything but waffle on talking nonsense.

If things continue as they are going and unemployment continues to rise, civil unrest will increase, when the furlough ends and there are no jobs for millions of people, what will our bungling government do then?  In America, it seems even worse no matter the outcome of the election in November, one side will feel aggrieved, and with all the guns they have the states, civil war is almost inevitable.

2020, will go down in history never to be forgotten but I have a horrible feeling 2021 will be worse.  No wonder suicide rates are through the roof.

The misery of Depression and Anxiety

It's 3:48 in the morning, and I am sitting here pondering my future. Life feels like it's drifting away from me.  The past is an unsettling mist clouding my thinking and making me feel depressed and anxious. I feel anxious most of the time these days. I wonder how to proceed forward, and it just feels pointless. I have no confidence in me anymore. The world tries to squeeze everything out of oneself, and I think there is nothing left to squeeze out of me. I was once full of ideas and loved to think of what might be, but today's society leaves one bereft of positive thought.

I want to be positive, but when one has a job one does not enjoy. A father with Alzheimers Disease who I sometimes feel enjoys life more than I do,
because he has no memory of the past, he lives in the present, the now and never seems unhappy. Living in the present is what Eckhart Tolle always mentions in his books.  Obviously, that is not true, I cannot imagine what it must be like only knowing what is happening in front of you, but he never is down unless he is sick.

Mental illness is a disorder that projects negativity out on others; it does not just affect oneself but everyone around you. It is the self-fulfilling prophecy whirling around inside your brain until the brain gives up.

I am sitting and pondering my next steps, and I was looking at LinkedIn.  I see by chance some names of people I used to work with, and I am not sure why I see them.  I try to avoid them as I see they have been successful, which makes me more depressed.  I'm pleased for them. They are wonderful, intelligent people, but it sickens me inside that I failed in life. I try to avoid most people from my past.  I would love to ask them for help, but I could never ask.  Asking for help is one of the hardest things you ever do, and why would they help me.  As I said earlier, mental health affects those around you, and I did not make it easy on my friends.  As my mother would have said when I was a child, 'it's your bed, you have to lie on it'.

Deep down, I know I have the ability, I've just spent nine months learning new skills, one easy one very difficult, but it does not bring any satisfaction.  I feel like a newly blind person, who needs to be lead around unable to find any footing in any direction.

Anyway, here I am writing, which perhaps is a good sign.  I have not been able to use my brain for anything bordering creative for a while.  Every opportunity I try leads me down the wrong path, and then I look back at all the paths I have attempted, and I think to myself, is there anything left. Or I am doomed to live with depression, anxiety and the occasional manic attack, which used to be very enjoyable but also very destructive.

Where does WWW3 begin?

With tensions rising all over the world, it seems inevitable there will be a spark somewhere that will start the war to end all wars.

Back in 1914, Gavrilo Princip shot Archduke Ferdinand, which was the fuse that started the first world war.  Back then, most of Europe's politicians wanted war, and war is what they got. The Great War was four years of hell, and many years after that, including WW2, all caused by one moment.

Presently, there is tension in China over Hong Kong, tensions in India and Pakistan over Kashmir, as well as the crazy leaders in the US (Trump) and UK (Johnson).  Adding extra fuel are the Russians and their increased involvement in world affairs, including their occupation of the Crimea.  The Chinese also are causing concern in the South China Sea, and we haven't even mentioned the usual suspects the North Koreans and Iran.

It seems the friction point will be in Asia this time and not Europe, even though Europe is trying to tear itself apart once again with the rise of rightwing extremism.

It seems we are all fucked, and it is only a matter of time before one of these many fuses light and we explode into World War 3.

Time to change our broken political system

The problem with that statement is simple - how do we change it?

How do we get rid of these dead weight politicians and replace them with people who give a damn about us and our future? 

Brexit has clearly shown us that they do not care about our wellbeing or the wellbeing of our country.  They would deliberately take this country into a nightmare.  They would use no judgement skills or reasoning as to why this is a terrible idea for the majority that did not go to public school, or have well off parents to make their journey through life easier.

Now I am in no way talking about revolution, but I would imagine plenty are thinking that way.  It seems that the only way to change the human condition is through violence which I do not prescribe.  Nevertheless, extremism is on the rise in all countries, people are sick of years of austerity, poverty, and not having a future. Whether you are on the right or the left, for Brexit or against it, the only conclusion I can come to get us out of this mess is total rehaul of our political system, from how and who we elect to the goals that they have to try to meet. Do they even have targets as ministers?  The only objective they ever take seriously is self-interest or the interest of their rich friends.

The time has come to change this.

FOR THE BETTERMENT OF HUMANITY

Everything in the world seems to be set up to be to the benefit of the individual over the collective. They even classify corporations as people which is ridiculous.  So many outcomes affect humanity which means we are at a critical point in history when we need one of those geniuses to come out of the woodwork and change our lives for the better.  We are crying out for a new Issac Newton or Martin Luther King, someone who can improve this disastrous situation.  However, the way society is set up we allow all the best minds to work in trivial jobs creating algorithms to make themselves rich which we must all now realise is useless and detrimental to our society and our humanity.  When one hears stories of deliberate pollution, deliberate low pay for workers, terrible working conditions for billions around the world, it makes one want to cry.

Perhaps we need to enact a world law - that clearly states that it is against the law in any country, in any part of the world, to deliberately hurt humanity.  To have it etched in blood in every company, corporation, government, anything that is not for the betterment of humanity, then it is illegal.

In the current environment, I would imagine that it is impossible to do this, but we have to start thinking beyond 20th-century policies regarding how we promote better living standards for humans as well as saving the planet from a slow death for humanity and everything else it would seem.  We are slowly killing ourselves, and the people who perpetrate this type of slow death should be held accountable.  They are the actual killers of this world, how many millions of deaths are these CEO's/world leaders responsible for, and how do we change this crazy situation?

Hopefully, as we descend into madness and darkness, eventually it will get so dark and so miserable the only option left is to recover.  And when we get to that stage, please make this recovery right and not just a pathetic bandaid that eventually falls off leaving us with a gaping open wound that is worse than before.

The most challenging part of being human is the battle between the present and the future.  They tell us to live in the now, but if everything focuses on now we then neglect to accommodate for the future, and some people can take advantage and use the 'now' precedent to justify their crazy and dangerous actions.  Yes, it might benefit millions of people by building a power plant, or a chemical plant, or an arms factory, or even a sweatshop in whatever part of the world, but what about the billions of people it detrimentally effects?  Whether directly or indirectly, the consequences can be extreme, but we say well its a corporation or the nation, and they can do what they like.

FUCK THAT!!!

ITS TIME TO CHANGE.

NO MORE SELFISHNESS.

FOR THE BETTERMENT OF HUMANITY SHOULD BE THE FIRST AMENDMENT TO A NEW CONSTITUTION - A WORLD CONSTITUTION.

Are we close to a V for Vendetta moment?

V for Vendetta is a movie/comic book about a dystopian country called Britain. In this vision, the world has turned to shit, and Britain is left alone, with an autocratic leader who has lost touch with reality, and a ruling class that wants to keep us like mushrooms - in the dark and fed on shit.

Does this sound familiar?

Is this an alternate reality or just the one we are living in now?

In the end the put upon masses, the downtrodden, the poor, the ones who have nothing to lose finally say enough is enough, they take control to blow up the houses of Parliament.

Are we at the moment in our history where the only way the morons from our political class will listen, is if we metaphorically blow up the Houses of Parliament and take control of our destiny.

Presently, we are heading for a world of pain and misery, and for what reason?  So the idiots in Parliament can say they exercised democracy. Is it exercising democracy to continue on a deliberate plan of self-destruction based on many lies, on top of lies, on top of severe untruths?

The clown David Cameron who pulled the wool over our eyes should be arrested and tried for treason against our nation for what he has unleashed on our shores. And May well unless she suddenly gains some empathy and gives a shit about the people she is supposed to be leading, we are heading for one big fucking mess.

Any sane person knows the Russians deliberately interfered in the US elections, and it would not surprise me to hear the Russians did the same with Brexit.  I bet May, and her cronies know this, and yet they continue to pursue this madness. They call it democracy, I call it a quiet coup.
If the government continues along these lines, Britain will be like the Titanic - a sinking ship.

How do we end Popular Party Politics?

Presently, in the UK and US, we have two governments hell-bent on destroying our lives, in the vain attempt to hold power over others, and not for the benefit of their respective countries, but their own sad and selfish benefit.

Donald Trump does not care about America, all he cares about is how much money he can make.  Teresa May does not care about Britain, all she cares about is how she looks to her sad, ultra-right wing, Eton, rich boys.

All popular party politics cares about is money/power, and how much of it they can steal from us the people.

Is this what it takes to bring down a useless, corrupt system, by finding the worst people possible to be in power and allow them to run amuck for too many years.

These people do not have experience leading countries they are just sad little rich boys playing Risk with people's lives.

How do we stop it and move on from this terrible situation?  What will it take? Is there anyone out there with some integrity?  The American's have Bernie Sanders, and he seems to be credible and have integrity.  They have the new up and coming stars like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez - she appears to be a President in waiting, perhaps Bernie can win the election and have Ocasio-Cortez as VP.  America at least has a glimmer of light in all this darkness, however, the UK, well we are in a real shit show. 

I see no one capable of leading, at least no one has come forward with the balls to resolve this dire Brexit issue.  Britain is not a healthy country. We are the drunk, who is a loudmouth at the party, shouting bravado and nonsense and is now leaving the party, we are staggering home, vomit down the front of our shirt.  We are incoherent, barely able to stand, and as we walk home everyone we see is laughing at us, making fun, and eventually when we are all alone with no money after someone has mugged us repeatedly we finally fall and die.
RIP Britain