Show me the way

I am falling slowly, gradually gaining speed,

I can feel the air rush passed me,

It feels like my life is rushing passed me too,

What is the point of happy thoughts, when one has no one to share them with,

The reason to laugh and enjoy, does not feel within me,

I feel more and more alienated, destitute, alone, surrounded by nothingness,

What a mess, life can be shit at times, and yet it must be so easy to push ones way out of this mire,

 How though, when one feels so alien, so lost, beyond help,

Show me the way, the hidden way, the illuminated light, that only the illuminated see,

Through the thorns, through the pain, the constant doubt,

Show me the way; oh please show me the way,

I cannot delay, it must be soon, the black hood and cloak is following.

Being Happy

Why does it matter when life does its thing,

Its cruel and its demented, as well as inspiring,

Moment by moment, a continuous flow of realty,

Straining the boundaries of sanity,

I cannot go, I wish I could, it is far too difficult,

Yes I am a shame, am I unable to move

Onwards forwards and hopefully a place,

Where I can be just a little bit happy.

Complexity of Life

I am sure there is an easier way to describe the creation of life, but this is my attempt to understand why we are here and how we came to be.  It seems obvious that we exist because of a sequence of events that have gradually moved the stuff of the Universe, with a little help from external forces like the Sun, the Moon, and the large gas giants.  These factors have somehow created the most intelligent self-aware beings, ever known in the Universe as far as we are concerned.

From our perspective, at present, the only way to create intelligent self-aware life forms is through the process of evolution.  Evolution in our perspective uses complexity and creates variety, which eventually ends up with us, human beings.

The world we live on, through its history has caused a ferocious fight for supremacy in an ever-diversifying planet, the need to continue, to never die out and become extinct.  Could this formula be the formula for intelligent life?  The more ingredients you add to the soup the better it will taste, and if you add enough ingredients, you end up with a human being.  What if we added more ingredients, would this make a more intelligent, more self-aware, life form or entity, which is higher on the food chain than we are.  Alternatively, is there a level, which is as good as it gets, before it turns into a strange brew, which tastes awful? Is a human being the best the Universe can make, or can it make a better living entity than us, we know it can make plenty that are not as intelligent, or self-aware, we have a planet full of them, we are the best we know of at present in our perspective.

I am no good at math, but I am sure there must be an equation for the evolution of the Universe that gives the answer as us.  I know this is different to other ideas and concepts I have thought of in the past, but hey, you have to let your brain and mind just spin around, to flow in a direction until an idea pops out.  Moreover, since this is the first decent thought I have had in a while I thought I had better type it down for good or bad.

Back to reality, intelligent self-aware life forms from our perspective in our known Universe need, a number of external objects to create the right conditions on a planet, that is in the goldilocks zone, needing liquid water (or perhaps any liquid, we needed water but other life-forms might use another compound altogether).  The planet needs stability – our own planet has many factors that stabilise the environment; factors are the stabilising forces, objects, shields, or whatever it is, create an environment ready for life to flourish. 

I suppose using another analogy we could be raising an animal, let us say horses, as I do not want to be a pig, or cow. Centuries ago, horses were wild animals and then man tamed them, we raised them and over time and created the variety of horses we see today.  We were the major force that made a better horse.  One major external factor. 

I am still not flowing, I do not know what has happened to my brain, it is not working as it normally does, hence the terrible poems I have been writing, I sit and I wait, until the mind decides to work again.  Still at least I did something even if it is only a page.

Fear of Fear

They crawl the depths do unknown fears,

They seep inside the cracks,

Lurking behind corners,

Searching the mind for what it lacks,

Fear oh fear, so irrational,

Alive inside thee, cesspit eternal,

Its rapes the body and burns the soul,

So many fears we cannot control,

Yet fears we have, there is nothing to do,

Accept the fate that has befallen you,

For we shall never live without them here,

For if we did, we’d have nothing to fear.

Anxiety

Why is it I feel guilty, guilty as sin,

Where do I begin, feelin’ guilty as sin,

It’s all happenin’ always nightmares anxiety,

Deep inside my soul, what the hell can it be?

Oh please take away this mess,

Oh yes, please take away this mess,

Perhaps if I confess, the feelin’ it will go,

Release and let it flow, I really hope so.

It tightens and it constricts,

I think it gets some kicks,

It wants me to feel unhappy,

Sad and melancholy,

Fuck that its sheer folly,

The guilt for nothin’s stupid,

Only a fool would be so daft,

Perhaps that is the problem,

Perhaps it is a fact!

Ah does the realisation, a knowing of the issue,

Release this terrible tension,

Before it grows and starts a festerin’

A twistin’ and a crushin’, beneath my heart is burnin’,

Calm down a take some time,

Close my eyes and count to nine,

Right open and see the light,

And pray the guilt is out of sight.

Acceptance

I sense a deafening silence as it blends eloquently with a distant wind of my forgotten dreams,

Memories I have lost forever, fallen down the deepest shaft of ill fate, not used only thought of,

Doomed, a needless throwaway like the daily garbage of life, wanted, needed, yet never succeeded,

Bled from every part of my soul, seeping away my pleasure of existence,

Though, thou, thee, does sometimes like a burst of golden hatred, feel the force of one such torture remembered,

It hits me like a rumination rocket from hell, a recollection I would rather never rise again,

Yet when it does, it sometimes has the lingering hope that perhaps there was a reason for the failure to connect,

Perhaps there was a deserving reason why this time it did not work; perhaps it will work in the future,

However there comes a time when it feels as if there are less futures, and too many pasts,

Reasons not to try, reasons to deny, reasons to sigh and say no, why bother, why put myself through the pain,

How much pain does one have to endure before one feels happiness, peace, harmony, and joy,

Keep trying and eventually one time it will work, if you fire enough arrows at the board one will eventually hit the bulls-eye,

C'est la vie is that not what they say, go on don’t give up, keeping on trying until you are dying,

Accept the pain, accept your failures, accept, accept, accept, you will never be anything of note,

I accept and I forgive, I will try and I will live, but it is fucking hard to continue in this vain, when most of the time all I can feel is pain!!!

I wanna die!!!

Oh my, oh my, oh my,

I feel like I wanna die,

Life is just passing me by,

Inside all I do is cry.

I want to get out of this mess,

I feel guilty like I wanna confess,

Just act normal and be like the rest,

Do something exciting and bring back the zest.

Yet still I sit and I wait,

Perhaps want day the dream, but its late,

It’s hard and I really do hate,

Myself because I can’t walk through life’s happy gate.

Decisions, decisions, decisions,

My mind fractured and on a collision,

I have no focus, and no precision,

I know I need to make a positive incision.

Time it is fast running out,

Like a prizefighter, it is my last bout,

I am screaming for help yet can’t shout,

Will I ever finally sort myself out.