Backwards

I am numb with pain that will never leave me,

Yet to all others I am a dark reflection,

I keep to myself to myself I keep my pain,

I will never trust a soul with my heart,

For they know how to break it,

Shatter it into smithereens.

I feel nothing good; I feel nothing at all,

What is the point in fighting a losing battle,

Happiness gone, blasted from me,

Like meaningful honesty,

The surge of someone’s truth,

An indignant lie I do not want to hear.

Sunlight happiness lamp, does not take away the sadness,

The rush inside my soul to push forward,

The pleasure from a feeling of success,

Slowly fading, the nightmarish battles that rage in my head,

Are now staring right at me,

Mirrored by the darkness that holds me ever tighter.

Dead and Forgotten

Therefore, it is with great regret,

That I should fall down on my sword,

It was an accident they said,

I was just playing cos I was bored.

They packed me in a big red box,

I did not realise at the time,

For I was dead, alone and lost,

How come, I did not see the signs.

When finally it dawned on me,

I was by then, oh, 6 feet under,

A feeling of anxiety,

Rushed over me like light and thunder.

Holy shit, damn blast and hell,

How will I ever leave this place,

For I am trapped inside this cell,

Forever more without a trace.

Light – Philosophically it is God!!!

I have finally found out how light moves and why it travels so fast, the easiest explanation I found was this.  

“Light is, essentially, a self-propagating pulse of information that tells us that the state of some electromagnetic field has been altered somewhere in space.”

Essentially, white light is the disturbance that our brains can use to see, as well as being the essential part of life, especially for plants.  Infrared light gives us warmth; radio waves mean we can communicate over distances, and so on and so forth.  To put it basic terms, light or the electromagnetic field, is a quirky disturbance in the Universe that we know very little about, but from this amazing disturbance through universal evolution, we came to exist, and without it, we would not.

I suppose the question or perhaps questions I would ask.  We know we need this disturbance to exist.  Is it essential for everything to exist?  Can things exist without an electromagnetic disturbance?  Can they exist with only the disturbance?  Do they need water and Oxygen (though you could argue that we would not have water or Oxygen without the disturbance)?

Did the disturbance start the big bang?  Did it happen after the big bang?  I suppose it is one of those chicken and egg situations.  I believe the disturbance has been there for eternity, even before the big bang.  Perhaps not as we know it now, then through some sort of evolutionary change, similar to a change in environment we know assists in our evolutionary timeline, the big bang started what we know as the known universe.

You could make an argument that in our reality, light, or the electromagnetic field, the disturbance, is the nearest thing to God, if you were so inclined to think that way.  It created us over time, it gives us life, and without it, we would not exist. 

Over time, I believe if people still want to believe in a creator, if they still need the concept and the thought of some almighty being giving us life and looking out for us.  A benevolent, omnipresent, omnipotent entity, then you can look no further than Light, the disturbance in our reality.  In fact, if you think back well before religion to the beginning of initial human thinking of why we exist, we thought of light as god, the sun was one of the first deities and what is the sun from our perspective back then, but light.

Show me the way

I am falling slowly, gradually gaining speed,

I can feel the air rush passed me,

It feels like my life is rushing passed me too,

What is the point of happy thoughts, when one has no one to share them with,

The reason to laugh and enjoy, does not feel within me,

I feel more and more alienated, destitute, alone, surrounded by nothingness,

What a mess, life can be shit at times, and yet it must be so easy to push ones way out of this mire,

 How though, when one feels so alien, so lost, beyond help,

Show me the way, the hidden way, the illuminated light, that only the illuminated see,

Through the thorns, through the pain, the constant doubt,

Show me the way; oh please show me the way,

I cannot delay, it must be soon, the black hood and cloak is following.

Being Happy

Why does it matter when life does its thing,

Its cruel and its demented, as well as inspiring,

Moment by moment, a continuous flow of realty,

Straining the boundaries of sanity,

I cannot go, I wish I could, it is far too difficult,

Yes I am a shame, am I unable to move

Onwards forwards and hopefully a place,

Where I can be just a little bit happy.

Complexity of Life

I am sure there is an easier way to describe the creation of life, but this is my attempt to understand why we are here and how we came to be.  It seems obvious that we exist because of a sequence of events that have gradually moved the stuff of the Universe, with a little help from external forces like the Sun, the Moon, and the large gas giants.  These factors have somehow created the most intelligent self-aware beings, ever known in the Universe as far as we are concerned.

From our perspective, at present, the only way to create intelligent self-aware life forms is through the process of evolution.  Evolution in our perspective uses complexity and creates variety, which eventually ends up with us, human beings.

The world we live on, through its history has caused a ferocious fight for supremacy in an ever-diversifying planet, the need to continue, to never die out and become extinct.  Could this formula be the formula for intelligent life?  The more ingredients you add to the soup the better it will taste, and if you add enough ingredients, you end up with a human being.  What if we added more ingredients, would this make a more intelligent, more self-aware, life form or entity, which is higher on the food chain than we are.  Alternatively, is there a level, which is as good as it gets, before it turns into a strange brew, which tastes awful? Is a human being the best the Universe can make, or can it make a better living entity than us, we know it can make plenty that are not as intelligent, or self-aware, we have a planet full of them, we are the best we know of at present in our perspective.

I am no good at math, but I am sure there must be an equation for the evolution of the Universe that gives the answer as us.  I know this is different to other ideas and concepts I have thought of in the past, but hey, you have to let your brain and mind just spin around, to flow in a direction until an idea pops out.  Moreover, since this is the first decent thought I have had in a while I thought I had better type it down for good or bad.

Back to reality, intelligent self-aware life forms from our perspective in our known Universe need, a number of external objects to create the right conditions on a planet, that is in the goldilocks zone, needing liquid water (or perhaps any liquid, we needed water but other life-forms might use another compound altogether).  The planet needs stability – our own planet has many factors that stabilise the environment; factors are the stabilising forces, objects, shields, or whatever it is, create an environment ready for life to flourish. 

I suppose using another analogy we could be raising an animal, let us say horses, as I do not want to be a pig, or cow. Centuries ago, horses were wild animals and then man tamed them, we raised them and over time and created the variety of horses we see today.  We were the major force that made a better horse.  One major external factor. 

I am still not flowing, I do not know what has happened to my brain, it is not working as it normally does, hence the terrible poems I have been writing, I sit and I wait, until the mind decides to work again.  Still at least I did something even if it is only a page.

Fear of Fear

They crawl the depths do unknown fears,

They seep inside the cracks,

Lurking behind corners,

Searching the mind for what it lacks,

Fear oh fear, so irrational,

Alive inside thee, cesspit eternal,

Its rapes the body and burns the soul,

So many fears we cannot control,

Yet fears we have, there is nothing to do,

Accept the fate that has befallen you,

For we shall never live without them here,

For if we did, we’d have nothing to fear.