Insurance Company, Slanders my Integrity and Work Ethic, and Refuses my Claim.

 I have felt quite good in recent days, trying to be optimistic after last weeks episode, my psychiatrist prescribed Trazadone to help with depression, and sleep.  Well, it doesn't help with sleep so far. Straight after my call from my psychiatrist, Aviva insurance called.  The company I work for have been excellent regarding my mental illness, and I did not for one second think the benefit I'm entitled too, would be declined.

He said I have some bad news we are rejecting your claim.  I asked why given that I am under the care of a psychiatrist all my records say I have mental illnesses of various kinds which would take hours to discuss.  Why have I been declined, I asked? 

He said (this is an approximation as I am unable to remember his exact words), he had received my medical records since the beginning of my illness and he saw no evidence as to why I was not working.  He said an illness due to the work you do is not covered.  In laymen's terms, he was saying I am a lying, skiving, bastard who should be at work, and his insurance firm were not going to pay for me to skive.

I said so did you speak to my psychiatrist, and my therapist, or were you just a lazy bastard looking at the GP's notes.

Psychiatrist, he said, I see no evidence of a psychiatrist. I thought to myself fuck me I'm dealing with an incompetent idiot who is sounding so smug at giving a person with a mental illness terrible news. What a C-word ( I will not use such profanity though that is what he is).

I said yes, are you aware of the overdose last week. Now Aviva man's attitude started to change. Overdose, he said I was not aware of any overdose, you look like a lazy skiver pretending to be depressed because you don't like your job. (He didn't say that but he might as well have done).

I then said thanks a bunch pal, now I'm feeling like shit and totally depressed. He then got very stern and insisted I call the crisis team, and the samaritans, no mention of contacting the actual people helping me but what did he care. He just had to tick a few boxes covering his arse for the recording.  Duty of care its called, I went back to bed and suddenly started to feel incredibly depressed, then in less than 10 minutes I heard a bang on the door, he had sent the bloody police around, this made me feel even worse.  I told them they had better things to do and to get lost, which they did. They were nice enough, but I was now processing at incredible speed the idea that he thought I was a lying, skiving, bastard, and that the incompetent fool had not even bothered to find all the evidence regarding my case.

When I started at the company I work for, I told them in the first week I was bipolar and that there were times I get emotional for no reason and can get easily stressed and suffer from tremendous anxiety.  The company were great, very supportive and when I did have an episode, they said it was fine and not to worry.  Telling someone not to worry is not the right thing to do, telling someone they are doing well when they are not is also not good.  I am my worst critic, I expect to be one of the best in any job I do, and now I was one of the worst. My mental health started to worsen, and I could not get to sleep at night. I would lie there thinking about the next day and the terrible anxiety and ridiculous stress the job caused. By Christmas, I was starting to notice the depression, and it was creeping up on me slowly.  When you are bipolar, the highs are incredible, the lows are terrible, and for seven years, I had managed to control the mental beast.

I started to worry, even more, the anxiety increased I was not sleeping, I also had to contend with arthritis in my knees, which was crippling at times.  Then after Christmas, they started to ramp up what they expected from us, the honeymoon period was over, and now we had to get lots of sales as well as dealing with angry clients needing their software fixed.

One day in early February, I was in work sitting at my desk waiting to start the day when I noticed I was becoming emotional. (I also have some borderline personality traits, like quick changes in emotion from happy to sad to manic in 30 minutes).

So I knew I was about to burst into tears due to the pressure of the job, it was making my mental illness traits much worse, and dangerous.  I spoke to my manager, who I had always kept up to date with my mental health issues. I had just recently told her of suicidal feelings, and I sat in an office with my manager and a mental health care representative the company provides and cried like a baby. I said the pain I had to deal with daily was too much to bear, what was the point in living like this. I had no one, no relationship. My father had Alzheimer's, my mother, all alone. I didn't speak to my brother because of the abuse we suffered as kids.  I felt I was alone, and after about an hour of crying and listening, to them say it's ok everything is fine, don't worry, then my manager said well you have two choices you can take the rest of the day off as sick or as a holiday.  I had already been off earlier in the year and did not want to use that route, so I said holiday and they just let me leave. I was traumatised, and they just let me go, anything could have happened to me, they just let me leave.  It disturbed me that episode, but I was determined not to let it affect me.  I went into work the next day, and everyone was so lovely to me and very empathetic.  I tend to find younger people are more empathetic to mental illness than people my age.

Nevertheless, 'the damage was done', I now knew if I continued doing that job, I would end up dead.  I lay in bed at night, my mind ruminating, I was depressed and suffering from major anxiety at the same time, as well as arthritis in my knees.  I went to see a doctor, and she was not helpful at all, she said oh you've seen a psychiatrist before, so it's not my problem here's a sick note and fuck off.  She did not say those words, but she might as well have done.  The day was Feb 13th, a Thursday if I remember correctly, just before valentines day.

I then had a mental breakdown, I could not speak to anyone, and then the COVID kicked in, and I focused on that, thinking of my ridiculous fantasy I mentioned in my last post.  The pain was generally in my right knee, but now I was experiencing extreme pain in my left knee as well, and I could not walk more than 50 metres without being in intense agony.

Work told me I was going on to SSP, which is less than £400 a month.  I earned more in my first job, aged 17 in the bloody eighties.  Luckily, I do not have a mortgage, so I had to cancel my gym, sky, reduce my spending just to survive. I felt like a recluse, now you would think a lockdown would be perfect for someone who suffers from social anxiety, but no, it was worse.  I could not shop in the middle of the night when no one was there any more. One had to queue for hours and wear masks; it was horrible.  You all know what I mean you have lived through it too, March and April were terrible months.  Due to COVID, it took ages to get any help. It has taken from Feb 13th until today for the NHS to change my meds and give me an anti-depressant, and I told that first inept GP I was suicidal back then, they say clap for the NHS for COVID, but for months they did not care about anyone with other illnesses.

I had a conversation with my manager and an HR representative in July just before six months was up. I told them that a less stressful job might help me recover quicker, and they organised an occupational assessment.

The doctor was a lovely Scottish lady, and I told her everything, and she seemed helpful, and she said the disability act covered me and that the company had a duty to find me a less stressful job. She said to get another sick note, and I will speak to you in six weeks.  That was eight weeks ago, I then realised she worked for the company she was not there to help me but to assess me for them. I reasoned that I knew I was ill and I was not faking it, I had suffered this illness for a long time and never thought it could be bad for me.  I then started realising that with COVID, what job were they going to give me. It seemed to me when the doctor never called after six weeks that they were stalling, my manager told me to wait until Oct 7th and contact her if I still had not heard anything.  By October I would need another sicknote. My mind reasoned it was far cheaper for a company to have me on the sick than on furlough. 

Now the SSP had finished I had to deal with the DWP, which is an ordeal in itself, they would not start any benefits until they had conclusive evidence that I was not getting any insurance.  I contacted my manager, and they started the process, late, oh, and should I mention they claimed to have overpaid me and wanted the money back. Considering the company creates payroll software, the payroll department is crap at paying correctly.

I just wanted to get better I hoped the company would get me a less stressful job and I would be back at work by October, now that is not going to happen.  On several occasions I asked the company to sack me, I had only been working there for nine months, I had no rights under employment law, but they never did they just sent the bloody police around.  It would not look good to sack someone off work with mental health issues when you try to promote how you want to help people like me.

And so to now this second unable to sleep, I know it's early, but I thought the new meds would give me a good nights sleep which I needed—no such luck.

Today at around 12ish, paralysed with depression, suicidal thoughts racing through my mind and then the most horrific thing that I can ever remember and I have been through a lot of pain and misery in my life.

The only way I can describe it was like a stiletto knife blade, slowly driving into my brain and as it dug further and further and the pain increased, all I could hear in my mind was kill yourself, kill yourself over and over again.  It felt like being possessed, the voice was quiet and clear, kill yourself, over and over as the blade pressed deeper inside my mind. I started to shake like the girl in The Exorcist. It shocked me so much I could not speak, I called a friend who has mental health issues, we help each other out when we are feeling low, and I was incoherent, all I could think of was those words kill yourself.  It scared the shit out of me.  I've overdosed many times, and I've tried to kill myself once though I did it as a cry for help knowing I had a 60% chance of survival, this was something completely different. I do not want to die, and I hope the idiot insurance guy gets the letter from my psychiatrist and realises you cannot speak to people with mental illness like that. He even had the audacity to lie to my manager about me waiting for private mental health sessions, which I never said.  I was saying I am still waiting for the bloody doctor from the assessment to call.

Well, writing this has made me feel a little better, but I still cannot get that voice out of my head.

I'm getting sick of COVID-19 and lockdowns

 Being patronised by idiots is one of the most insulting things one feels when watching the COVID briefings. You hear so-called experts spout bullshit as if they know what they are talking about when it's obvious they don't.

When COVID or the CCP virus started, I was concerned this would be the SHTF moment that all those History Channel documentaries had talked about for years.  I became obsessed with the CCP virus. I watched all the YouTube vids and quickly realised that the information from the MSM or government was rubbish.  The virus was deadly, and many people were dying, and yet the governments of the world, especially the western ones wanted to pretend it was nothing, and allow life to continue as usual.

In February, I was suffering from major depression and anxiety, not due to the virus but from life.  I would go shopping at three in the morning, and I started to stock up on tins goods, water, flour, toilet rolls you name it getting in before the mad rush started. (Which did happen in late March). I got enough to last three months.  As the virus quickly spread across the world, I began to get a buzz out of watching it spread across the globe. How many more people had caught the disease, how many had died, which countries had been affected?  I know it seems terrible to think this way, but in my depressive state, I fantasised about something like this happening.  Too many programmes like the Walking Dead, made me go to bed and imagine what if the shit hit the fan what would I do, where would I go.  How would I survive, I had these weird ideas of getting a camper van (I love those big camper vans you see in Meet the Fockers).  So in my imagination, I somehow found one of these vans filled with all my favourite things and I would go to the middle of nowhere and hide.

 Then the virus hit and I started to realise my fantasy may come true and to begin with it was exciting, for a brief amount of time I left my depression, anxiety behind and focused on the CCP virus.

Then I started to see the stories of what this virus was doing to people, how they were isolated alone dying without their loved ones around them.  I watched videos on the effects of catching CCP virus even if it was mild.  The heartbreaking stories of people catching it twice and how it was causing massive internal organ defects.

I felt ashamed for feeling as I felt, I even wanted to catch the virus as a penance, and (this is how my fucked up mind works) to lose some weight.

Then in July, early August I started to see a change in my usual YouTube video fix ( I will say the guy I watched was excellent, very informative and never biased in his opinions, he showed the facts).  The vids were saying yes CCP virus was bad, but it was not as deadly as initially thought.  If you were under 60 and did not have any comorbidities (A word I'd never heard before COVID came along), then the chances of dying were minute.

Yes you may get the virus, and you may be sick, but most of us will never even know we have had it and some of us even have T-Cell immunity from having a cold (as they are from the same family).

I was initially sceptical, believing that as soon as we got to October, the deaths would rise and it would be like March again.

I then saw a video where the host explained the reasons for the initial high death rate from COVID.  Last years flu season was not as severe as expected, and the old who would have died then, were, unfortunately, dying of COVID in March.  He explained that unfortunately, it was likely to happen again once the flu season was with us.  The elderly will die of flu or COVID; it's now just a fact of life, and we need to accept this as the new norm.  Once it had killed off all the aged or people with severe comorbidities, and we started to understand how to stop the deaths, the death rate dropped considerably.  It is beyond reprehensible how our inept government treated the elderly in the early stages of this virus.  My father who has Alzheimer's disease, he has no short or long term memory, he lives in the moment and luckily is generally in a blissful happy state of everything being new every day of his life. It's heartbreaking to see my mother, knowing she has lost her husband of 50 years.  However, my father got a large lump on his leg and went to the hospital, and they said it was a blood clot and gave him blood thinners. They tested him for the virus, and he had it, my mother and I were terrified, we could not see him, he was alone in the hospital not knowing what was going on.  My father is very tactile and likes to move around and pretend to talk to people, he cannot make coherent conversation, but he can say phrases he has remembered.  The hospital decided to discharge him and send him back to the care home without informing us, he was bundled into a taxi by himself and sent back.  I was astounded at the lack of empathy towards my father, and it made me sick all this virtual signalling for the NHS clapping, how brave they were.  Hospitals are empty, and it must be great working there at the moment.  

The ER was empty when I was there for tests after my overdose last week.  

They did the same to me, after my overdose the night before my ER visit. I was in a manic or fugue state as I cannot remember being in the hospital.  I remember as if a dream being in a taxi and having no money and felt confusing, I could not speak it was like I had drunk too much.  I later found out the hospital had discharged me and bundled me into a taxi without any money or my phone.  Therefore, because of COVID, hospitals feel they can get rid of patients because of a virus that kills only 1% of the elderly.  I should have never been allowed to leave the hospital in the state I was in; it was irresponsible of them.

Now we are living through another lockdown, and the government pretends more people are catching the virus when, in reality, it is less as we are doing 100 times more testing than in March.  Imagine if we were doing the same amount of testing in March as we are doing now, 10's of thousands would have been catching the virus.

The lockdown is destroying the economy, destroying the lives of the young who are unable to enjoy their youth. The elderly are petrified but also sick of being told to stay indoors, my mother who is 74 and diabetic is so sick of being confined to her home she says, "if I catch it, I catch it, so be it, I do not care anymore". She says all her friends feel the same way.

If this lockdown continues through to Christmas, you will see mass anarchy and a collapse in society as we are starting to see in America. 

I believe categorically that 2021 will be far worse than 2020, war is coming, civil unrest has started, food shortages, massive inflation, and the eventual collapse of the stock market.  Adding icing to the cake, we are leaving the EU, with a lazy moron as our PM, what a country. 

If you think it's bad now, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Dallas F%&^ng Cowboys

 Ah, to be a Dallas Cowboys fan, what is it with that team they make so many mistakes, so many yellow flags flying it's a fucking disgrace.

Now let me say am British and have liked the Cowboys since the '70s when there were highlights of the Super Bowl in 1977, I was six, and I sat glued to the screen watching this incredible game. Roger Staubach, Tony Dorset, mad Randy White and the guy I always remembered was Ed 'Too Tall' Jones when you're six a name like that sticks in your mind. 

Through the 80's Channel 4 would show highlights every week, and I collected stickers of all the helmets, but I just loved the Dallas Cowboys.

When in the 90's they won three Super Bowls and created a dynasty that really should have won more if egos had not got in the way of common sense, I was ecstatic.  

Finally, a team I supported had won something.   And then Dallas won again and again, "How 'bout them Cowboys", I was amazed, it was great.  I live in the North East of England is cold and miserable, but we Geordies are a friendly bunch, and we love football (soccer to you Americans). Until fat Ashley took over Newcastle United, I supported them as my local football (soccer) team.   I was mad about the toon, even in the '80s when they were a second division team I stood in the Gallowgate end, I watch Alan Shoulder, Kevin Keagan arriving it was fantastic. They were great in the '90s and early '00s, and then fat Ashley took over, and interest started to wane.  I know people who have been Newcastle supporters having season tickets for years lose interest.  It's no good following a team that has no interest in winning.  Even if you have no chance you want to feel the team thinks there is a chance, the manager believes there is a chance, and the bloody owner does too.  All that fat bastard wanted was to advertise his shit sports shop that sells crap.  He could not give two tosses about Newcastle, and it saddened me.  I could not be one of the delusional supporters who would still support a team like that it made no sense to me. 

In addition to Newcastle, I was an England supporter, which is nearly as painful at times, and so when the Cowboys won it was a great feeling.  My favourite player was Emmit Smith, ah, he was amazing to watch, the greatest running back ever, with Aikman and Michael Irving, the wall of Dallas and of course the great Dion Sanders.  Watching them play was exciting, and seeing how they are so popular in America, I imagine many others thought that too.

Unlike Newcastle and fat Ashley, Jerry Jones wanted to win, he wanted the best team and most successful team, the biggest team, and he created the most popular team in the world.  I never knew this until recently how popular Dallas is.  Dallas is like Manchester United in Britain loved and hated. Despite that, compare the difference between Newcastle United and Dallas Cowboys, both owned by billionaires, both great in the '90s.  However, one is worth over $5 billion, and the other cannot sell for £300 million.  I know the comparison is like apples and oranges, but it shows that if you show a desire to win, even if you don't win, you can still be the biggest team in the world.  Look at Liverpool, they are a £ billion team, and they finally won the league.  Or the Boston Red Sox and years of pain losing to the Yankees, and of course the Chicago Cubs.

Anyway, back to Dallas, as everyone knows Dallas never wins anything these days, Jerry has lost his mojo, he's too old to run a franchise like Dallas these days, but will not step down until he's in his grave.  He had a fantastic team in the last 5/6 years, but terrible coaches, Jason Garrett, should have gone years ago, and now he has McCarthy. I was disappointed he did not hire a young coach with new ideas.  McVay ran rings around our offense in week one, and we were lucky to only lose by 3 points.  Then Dallas fluked a win against Atlanta and then got handed a lesson from Russell Wilson at Seattle.  If we had Wilson, we would have won every game, so far this season.  

The problem is Dak Prescott, he just not good enough to win games against great teams, and we will never be successful having him as a QB.  If we want to win a crap division like the NFC East by 7-9 every year whoopee what's the point.  We will never beat a team like Seattle, LA, Green Bay, even Tampa now, no chance.  We have a top three running back who did not play well last night, and we have the best wide receivers. But Lawrence is crap these days, Alton Smith was our best player by a mile. If you don't have one of these new-style QB's, Mahomes, Jackson, Wilson, Watson, you are never going to win the Super Bowl. Colin Cowherd said it best when he said Dallas would be average at best.  Is that what we want from our team, average.

Jerry, please retire, trade Dak and sack McCarthy, use Dalton for the rest of the season and pick up one of the stud QB's coming in next years draft. Yes, I know everyone will say don't be daft we may get a stinker, we may end up with a Trubinski, or Winston, but fuck me being average every year because our QB cannot beat quality teams is just as shit.

Dak is great against crap teams but cannot beat a great team. Can you imagine Tom Brady, Russell Wilson or Patrick Mahomes not scoring on that final drive last night, no they would have scored and probably got the two-point conversion as well.

We will never be Super Bowl contenders as long as Jerry gets yes men coaches and keeps Dak Prescott.

Finally, what a disgrace the NFC East is these days, I remember when they won five Super Bowls in six years they were the greatest division of all divisions, and now they are the worst.

Lifestyle change will it last?

 Lately, I have been a mess, and I'm three stone overweight, my knees are in constant pain, I am suffering from depression, and I live with anxiety nearly every day.  Last week I tried to kill myself, or so I thought, looking back I did not try to kill myself I wanted to make myself happy by taking a ridiculous amount of diazepam. Stupid when you think about it, but then being mentally ill makes you do dumb things in the vain hope it makes you feel something positive. 

Last week I also had a blood test, and due to excessive drug-taking because of my pain meds and mental illness meds, my kidney reading was a little high.  It got me thinking and, the logical reasoning that I use to get out of these situations kicked in, and I decided enough was enough. I had to change. Nevertheless, change is difficult, and how does one change when the usual outlet for this change is exercise.

I bought a smartwatch, I added a wellness app to my phone, not a fitness app a wellness one and I determined to change.

The first thing I needed to change was drinking water. I never used to drink any water.  I had one of those plastic bottles people use for the gym, just sitting there unused, I had never even taken the plastic of the bottle.  It holds about 750 ml of water, and I had many gallon water bottles bought earlier in the year when I thought the shit was going to hit the fan over COVID.  I now drink about 5 to 6 of those a day, instead of a coffee I drink water. 

Another reason why I decided I needed to improve my health is a little embarrassing, over the past year every two to three months if I am constipated due to the meds, I get a rectal bleed, sometimes its a lot of blood and other times a little.  I eventually plucked up the courage to tell the GP, he was concerned and asked me several poo related questions, and I am now of the urgent list for a camera up my backside. Although I do not feel worried about this, it did help me to revaluate my lifestyle choices.  

(That is the strange thing about my anxiety, leaving the house or thinking I have let someone down causes massive anxiety, perhaps having cancer no anxiety at all - fucking weird).

Therefore, now I have my smartwatch, and I drink lots of water, the next thing to tackle was my eating habits.  To say I am a binge eater would be an understatement, no matter how much I try, I cannot eat one of a piece of food I love. Crisps I eat every packet, chocolate I eat the whole bar, biscuits the entire box. I then mentally punish myself and vow never to do it again.  I have tried everything to get out of this habit, and I go through phases of not buying the items I love, or getting less fat or sugar versions, but to no avail. However, now I have the wellness app and the smartwatch and since I love stats and information.  I have found that I am not eating all of the sweet foods or crisps because now I am making a note when I eat something it makes me think about how many calories I am going to intake and I stop.  The watch also tells me when I have been inactive for too long, and now it has motivated me to move my arms or stand up and twist.  Yes, I know it sounds silly, but it seems to be working.  True it is early days, and I can change in a heartbeat, but one other great thing I have noticed is the pain in my knees is not as bad.  It still extremely painful when I walk downstairs but, the general movement like just standing and walking ten paces is much better.

Yesterday, I challenged myself to cycle up an incline I have avoided in the past, and I made it up without stopping. I can feel my fitness ethic returning, and it makes me feel happy.  Yes, I feel fucking happy, granted it was only yesterday but climbing the incline, drinking the water, less pain in my knees is improving my mood considerably.  

I have a long way to go, I am 18 stone, and so my goal is to get back down to 15 stone eventually.  I know it's not going to be easy, and my first goal is to make it to 100 kg, (I'm about 117 kg presently. I find it easier to work in kilos).

I do still have worries, my doctors want to prescribe me antipsychotics, which make you gain weight and the thought of going over 20 stone is something I could not cope with mentally.  I have told them this and asked if I could get a weight loss pill to combat the excess weight gain, but they would not entertain it.  It seems they will give you drugs to keep you calm but make you gain weight, but what is the point if it makes you so depressed you try suicide again.  My psychiatrist understands this and is trying to find a better solution, but my GP just does not get it.

Luckily, I do not drink alcohol,(mainly becuase I just dont like it anymore) which is a blessing in these trying times, I stopped taking drugs as well, so I am as clean as I have ever been.  I booked myself in for an NHS health check to see how unhealthy I am.  Hopefully, by the time I take the assessment, I will have started to improve my general health from drinking water, eating less and healthier, and doing more exercise.  Oh, I nearly forgot, and the writing, I know I am not the greatest writer, but the fact I am writing again is fantastic.  It helps tremendously.

The last problem I have that is not worrying me, but if it continues, it might start to affect my mental state of mind, is sleeping.  I am sleeping less. My smartwatch said I only slept for 5 hours last night and 3.5 hours tonight.  Additionally, most of my sleep is light sleep which cannot be good for my wellbeing.  Unfortunately, I need medication to sleep, and it has been an antipsychotic Quetiapine. However, the way it makes me feel in the morning is depressing, you feel fuzzy and dull like a grey painting, and recently I have felt incredibly depressed.  The psychiatrist is going to try and find better sleep medication.  I know some may say get off the meds, and you will eventually fall asleep naturally, this is not the case with me, I continuously ruminate and never get to sleep, my heart races, my legs shake, and I toss and turn.  It is unbearable by the morning I am so tired it makes me irritable and slowly leads to bouts of dissociation and mania.

Well, I think that it enough for today, let's hope I can write again tomorrow and keep up my return to a healthy lifestyle.

Will We Survive Winter 2020, Spring 2021? War is coming

 The world is in a precarious situation, the saying "what comes around goes around" seems apt.  It is like we have forgotten how destructive war is and the divisions it causes. Division especially appears to be the issue in 2020, the left and their Woke ideology, the right and their nationalistic pride.

America is a powder keg ready to blow, and any sane person must be able to see the signs.  Whatever happens in their election, one side will feel betrayed and blame the other side calling out the corrupt system that is endemic in the US.

Now I would like to think I am left-leaning, I voted Labour, but if the right had a good idea, I would not rubbish it for the sake of it, to me that is a childish attitude to have. I wanted to see a government that cared for it's citizens instead of the bungling fool who won the election, Boris Johnson.  The COVID fiasco has shown how inept our government is, and they are like headless chickens reacting instead of being proactive.

We now live in a country that resembles Nazi Germany/ Stalinist Russia in the 30s, snitch on your neighbours, disallow any pleasure.  Being young today must be awful, and I have great sympathy for the students going to university for the first time, and missing out on all the social events that would normally be happening.  In the UK we are close to a civil war between the young and old.  Although I feel they have taken woke culture and identity politics too far, I understand why they think the way they do.  Young people, whether they are white, black, Asian, gay (LGBTQ+), or straight, are feeling let down, and they are sick of it, they are sick of being persecuted. Sick of being underrepresented and used as a device for people to virtual signal, and with no one listening to them.  I suffer from a mental illness, and I think the same way at times, my life has not been great and so although I have no idea what it is like to be called racist remarks or laughed at for being queer or trans. Or attacked for being gay. I feel an inner struggle to deal with who I am and how others perceive me.

As far as America goes the issues they have a far greater than the UK's, as they own millions of guns they have militia armies of radical left and right and it is only a matter of time before a gun battle ensues.

And then there is China, we have removed the curtain after the COVID CCP Virus, and the world now sees China for what it is. Public enemy number one, after their blatant lies about the COVID (CCP Virus), when something might have been able to combat it.

The CCP is just like the mafia, a criminal organisation that steals ideas, persecutes its citizens, brakes international laws and pretends to help by giving loans and building roads. Still, the cost to the countries ends up being considerably higher than the gain.  Now the US has made China enemy no.1, and companies are pulling out, moving their factories to India and Vietnam.  The Chinese economy is going to be bad this year; continuous floods and other extreme weather events are going to cause famine when you have 1.4 billion mouths to feed.  The fact they have reneged on the agreement over Hong Kong and their treatment of the Uighurs and other ethnic groups is appalling. 

The US has banned Chinese phone apps, and it had banned the sale of microchips to Chinese companies. Eventually, the CCP will have no choice to but to react.

As Taiwan is the closest country that has the chips required for the latest technology, don't be surprised if China invades Taiwan.  They have illegally built airbases in the South China Sea, they have started fights with India in the Himalayas.  I can see Xi doing what Hitler did when he invaded Czechoslovakia and invading Taiwan.  Doing this when the US is a crisis seems like the type of thing the CCP would do.  Would America attack China, a nuclear power over Taiwan?  With all the political strife in the US, China may take the opportunity to try a first strike.  There is a reason the US, Japan, India and Australia have created a south pacific NATO.

China is a country in deep trouble internal fighting, terrible natural disasters and being the country that created COVID CCP virus. 

When the depression starts to kick in around the world, which it will, it is only a matter of time, we will be reliving the 1930's, and we all know what happened at the end of that decade.

War is coming; it is inevitable. 

Overdose attempt 20 or so...

 I have not written for a while, but I am sitting here, it's 5.30 am and I thought I would add my thoughts about my latest suicide attempt, which I now realise was an overdose, my stupid mind thinking taken 50 10 mg of diazepam would make me happy.

It was different this time, usually, when I try, it is a half-hearted attempt, take too many pills, you know you'll likely survive, and I always do, I always wake up.

What made this attempt different is that I am living with knee and leg pain.  For years my get out of jail free card was exercise, fitness, being physically healthy, and so I could always use exercise to save me, it was my safety blanket. Now, this is not the case; arthritis is crippling my knees and causing unimaginable pain at times.  My left leg will not straighten, and I limp around like an 80-year-old.  When I attempt to go for walks, my 74-year-old mother can walk quicker than I can.  As I am now unable to straighten my left leg as it causes shooting pain, I find it challenging to get to sleep.  The drugs I take I starting to not work in helping me sleep, I wake up in pain, if I have moved while asleep.  When I do wake up, I lie there staring at the ceiling full of anxiety and depression because the pain is so extreme when first getting out of bed to make you want to cry.  I have to sit down to descend the stairs because the pain is so bad after waking.

I am sure many people have lied in bed in the wee dark hours wondering is it all worth it.  All I think about is, if this is what my life is going to be like, I am only 49 for god's sake, then what's the point.  

I've tried to commit suicide many times before, reliving abuse from my childhood; however, physical pain is like adding a constipated turd on top of a shit sandwich.

As if living with this is not bad enough, we have COVID to contend with, and it seems it's an excuse to go back to the days when the NHS took bloody ages because of long waiting lists before helping anyone.  

Speaking of COVID, presently, a bunch of morons are running the country, they do not have one clue what to do.  Is it not about time that there were training and exams before being able to take the highest offices of power in this country?

Why did they not use the temporary Nightingale hospitals for COVID and leave the regular hospitals for elective surgeries, for people with cancer and all the other ailments that are far more important than bloody COVID?  It seems as though the world governments want to destroy everything and send us back to the stone age.  The world is on a precipice similar to the 1930s; it feels like we are a Gavrilo Princip moment away from WW3.  Perhaps the disgraceful death of George Floyd is that moment, but it feels something worse is still to come.

COVID seemed dangerous in the beginning, but now it kills next to no-one, and yet we are living like its NAZI Germany or Stalinist Russia.  

We are a spit away from a major war, either between left and right, or  China and the west. Civil unrest is going to continue, and the buffoons at the top - Johnson and Trump, and god forbid senile Biden - let's face it we're are all fucked.

Consequently, after being stuck in lockdown with depression and anxiety, severe pain in my legs and knees, bouts of insomnia, and a feeling of despair and dissatisfaction, I decided to take 30-40 10mg diazepam. 

I have no recollection of what happened apart from a dream-like state which I felt after the attempt.

According to my mother, I was screaming that I was in so much pain in my legs that I could not take it anymore.  The paramedics came and took my meds from me, and I went to the hospital.  I had vague dream-like memories of trying to speak saying I was fine but being unable to communicate a coherent sentence.  It was like being extremely drunk.

I was also not allowed any visitors because of COVID, and sometime in the early hours, I was discharged still in a fugue state, still unable to communicate and without any money or my phone.  How I managed to get home is anyone's guess.

I do not know if the NHS was helpful or not, it did not seem as though they were and I thought of all those virtue signallers clapping for the brave NHS - what a load of bollocks. 

It seems the NHS has regressed. They have no money, and they seem to be using COVID as an excuse to do nothing to help people.  More people are dying from everything other than COVID presently.  This sham of a government is bumbling along like Johnson always does, like when he was stuck on the zip wire, and fat fool unable to do anything but waffle on talking nonsense.

If things continue as they are going and unemployment continues to rise, civil unrest will increase, when the furlough ends and there are no jobs for millions of people, what will our bungling government do then?  In America, it seems even worse no matter the outcome of the election in November, one side will feel aggrieved, and with all the guns they have the states, civil war is almost inevitable.

2020, will go down in history never to be forgotten but I have a horrible feeling 2021 will be worse.  No wonder suicide rates are through the roof.