Lately, I have been a mess, and I'm three stone overweight, my knees are in constant pain, I am suffering from depression, and I live with anxiety nearly every day. Last week I tried to kill myself, or so I thought, looking back I did not try to kill myself I wanted to make myself happy by taking a ridiculous amount of diazepam. Stupid when you think about it, but then being mentally ill makes you do dumb things in the vain hope it makes you feel something positive.
Last week I also had a blood test, and due to excessive drug-taking because of my pain meds and mental illness meds, my kidney reading was a little high. It got me thinking and, the logical reasoning that I use to get out of these situations kicked in, and I decided enough was enough. I had to change. Nevertheless, change is difficult, and how does one change when the usual outlet for this change is exercise.
I bought a smartwatch, I added a wellness app to my phone, not a fitness app a wellness one and I determined to change.
The first thing I needed to change was drinking water. I never used to drink any water. I had one of those plastic bottles people use for the gym, just sitting there unused, I had never even taken the plastic of the bottle. It holds about 750 ml of water, and I had many gallon water bottles bought earlier in the year when I thought the shit was going to hit the fan over COVID. I now drink about 5 to 6 of those a day, instead of a coffee I drink water.
Another reason why I decided I needed to improve my health is a little embarrassing, over the past year every two to three months if I am constipated due to the meds, I get a rectal bleed, sometimes its a lot of blood and other times a little. I eventually plucked up the courage to tell the GP, he was concerned and asked me several poo related questions, and I am now of the urgent list for a camera up my backside. Although I do not feel worried about this, it did help me to revaluate my lifestyle choices.
(That is the strange thing about my anxiety, leaving the house or thinking I have let someone down causes massive anxiety, perhaps having cancer no anxiety at all - fucking weird).
Therefore, now I have my smartwatch, and I drink lots of water, the next thing to tackle was my eating habits. To say I am a binge eater would be an understatement, no matter how much I try, I cannot eat one of a piece of food I love. Crisps I eat every packet, chocolate I eat the whole bar, biscuits the entire box. I then mentally punish myself and vow never to do it again. I have tried everything to get out of this habit, and I go through phases of not buying the items I love, or getting less fat or sugar versions, but to no avail. However, now I have the wellness app and the smartwatch and since I love stats and information. I have found that I am not eating all of the sweet foods or crisps because now I am making a note when I eat something it makes me think about how many calories I am going to intake and I stop. The watch also tells me when I have been inactive for too long, and now it has motivated me to move my arms or stand up and twist. Yes, I know it sounds silly, but it seems to be working. True it is early days, and I can change in a heartbeat, but one other great thing I have noticed is the pain in my knees is not as bad. It still extremely painful when I walk downstairs but, the general movement like just standing and walking ten paces is much better.
Yesterday, I challenged myself to cycle up an incline I have avoided in the past, and I made it up without stopping. I can feel my fitness ethic returning, and it makes me feel happy. Yes, I feel fucking happy, granted it was only yesterday but climbing the incline, drinking the water, less pain in my knees is improving my mood considerably.
I have a long way to go, I am 18 stone, and so my goal is to get back down to 15 stone eventually. I know it's not going to be easy, and my first goal is to make it to 100 kg, (I'm about 117 kg presently. I find it easier to work in kilos).
I do still have worries, my doctors want to prescribe me antipsychotics, which make you gain weight and the thought of going over 20 stone is something I could not cope with mentally. I have told them this and asked if I could get a weight loss pill to combat the excess weight gain, but they would not entertain it. It seems they will give you drugs to keep you calm but make you gain weight, but what is the point if it makes you so depressed you try suicide again. My psychiatrist understands this and is trying to find a better solution, but my GP just does not get it.
Luckily, I do not drink alcohol,(mainly becuase I just dont like it anymore) which is a blessing in these trying times, I stopped taking drugs as well, so I am as clean as I have ever been. I booked myself in for an NHS health check to see how unhealthy I am. Hopefully, by the time I take the assessment, I will have started to improve my general health from drinking water, eating less and healthier, and doing more exercise. Oh, I nearly forgot, and the writing, I know I am not the greatest writer, but the fact I am writing again is fantastic. It helps tremendously.
The last problem I have that is not worrying me, but if it continues, it might start to affect my mental state of mind, is sleeping. I am sleeping less. My smartwatch said I only slept for 5 hours last night and 3.5 hours tonight. Additionally, most of my sleep is light sleep which cannot be good for my wellbeing. Unfortunately, I need medication to sleep, and it has been an antipsychotic Quetiapine. However, the way it makes me feel in the morning is depressing, you feel fuzzy and dull like a grey painting, and recently I have felt incredibly depressed. The psychiatrist is going to try and find better sleep medication. I know some may say get off the meds, and you will eventually fall asleep naturally, this is not the case with me, I continuously ruminate and never get to sleep, my heart races, my legs shake, and I toss and turn. It is unbearable by the morning I am so tired it makes me irritable and slowly leads to bouts of dissociation and mania.
Well, I think that it enough for today, let's hope I can write again tomorrow and keep up my return to a healthy lifestyle.
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