Dallas F%&^ng Cowboys

 Ah, to be a Dallas Cowboys fan, what is it with that team they make so many mistakes, so many yellow flags flying it's a fucking disgrace.

Now let me say am British and have liked the Cowboys since the '70s when there were highlights of the Super Bowl in 1977, I was six, and I sat glued to the screen watching this incredible game. Roger Staubach, Tony Dorset, mad Randy White and the guy I always remembered was Ed 'Too Tall' Jones when you're six a name like that sticks in your mind. 

Through the 80's Channel 4 would show highlights every week, and I collected stickers of all the helmets, but I just loved the Dallas Cowboys.

When in the 90's they won three Super Bowls and created a dynasty that really should have won more if egos had not got in the way of common sense, I was ecstatic.  

Finally, a team I supported had won something.   And then Dallas won again and again, "How 'bout them Cowboys", I was amazed, it was great.  I live in the North East of England is cold and miserable, but we Geordies are a friendly bunch, and we love football (soccer to you Americans). Until fat Ashley took over Newcastle United, I supported them as my local football (soccer) team.   I was mad about the toon, even in the '80s when they were a second division team I stood in the Gallowgate end, I watch Alan Shoulder, Kevin Keagan arriving it was fantastic. They were great in the '90s and early '00s, and then fat Ashley took over, and interest started to wane.  I know people who have been Newcastle supporters having season tickets for years lose interest.  It's no good following a team that has no interest in winning.  Even if you have no chance you want to feel the team thinks there is a chance, the manager believes there is a chance, and the bloody owner does too.  All that fat bastard wanted was to advertise his shit sports shop that sells crap.  He could not give two tosses about Newcastle, and it saddened me.  I could not be one of the delusional supporters who would still support a team like that it made no sense to me. 

In addition to Newcastle, I was an England supporter, which is nearly as painful at times, and so when the Cowboys won it was a great feeling.  My favourite player was Emmit Smith, ah, he was amazing to watch, the greatest running back ever, with Aikman and Michael Irving, the wall of Dallas and of course the great Dion Sanders.  Watching them play was exciting, and seeing how they are so popular in America, I imagine many others thought that too.

Unlike Newcastle and fat Ashley, Jerry Jones wanted to win, he wanted the best team and most successful team, the biggest team, and he created the most popular team in the world.  I never knew this until recently how popular Dallas is.  Dallas is like Manchester United in Britain loved and hated. Despite that, compare the difference between Newcastle United and Dallas Cowboys, both owned by billionaires, both great in the '90s.  However, one is worth over $5 billion, and the other cannot sell for £300 million.  I know the comparison is like apples and oranges, but it shows that if you show a desire to win, even if you don't win, you can still be the biggest team in the world.  Look at Liverpool, they are a £ billion team, and they finally won the league.  Or the Boston Red Sox and years of pain losing to the Yankees, and of course the Chicago Cubs.

Anyway, back to Dallas, as everyone knows Dallas never wins anything these days, Jerry has lost his mojo, he's too old to run a franchise like Dallas these days, but will not step down until he's in his grave.  He had a fantastic team in the last 5/6 years, but terrible coaches, Jason Garrett, should have gone years ago, and now he has McCarthy. I was disappointed he did not hire a young coach with new ideas.  McVay ran rings around our offense in week one, and we were lucky to only lose by 3 points.  Then Dallas fluked a win against Atlanta and then got handed a lesson from Russell Wilson at Seattle.  If we had Wilson, we would have won every game, so far this season.  

The problem is Dak Prescott, he just not good enough to win games against great teams, and we will never be successful having him as a QB.  If we want to win a crap division like the NFC East by 7-9 every year whoopee what's the point.  We will never beat a team like Seattle, LA, Green Bay, even Tampa now, no chance.  We have a top three running back who did not play well last night, and we have the best wide receivers. But Lawrence is crap these days, Alton Smith was our best player by a mile. If you don't have one of these new-style QB's, Mahomes, Jackson, Wilson, Watson, you are never going to win the Super Bowl. Colin Cowherd said it best when he said Dallas would be average at best.  Is that what we want from our team, average.

Jerry, please retire, trade Dak and sack McCarthy, use Dalton for the rest of the season and pick up one of the stud QB's coming in next years draft. Yes, I know everyone will say don't be daft we may get a stinker, we may end up with a Trubinski, or Winston, but fuck me being average every year because our QB cannot beat quality teams is just as shit.

Dak is great against crap teams but cannot beat a great team. Can you imagine Tom Brady, Russell Wilson or Patrick Mahomes not scoring on that final drive last night, no they would have scored and probably got the two-point conversion as well.

We will never be Super Bowl contenders as long as Jerry gets yes men coaches and keeps Dak Prescott.

Finally, what a disgrace the NFC East is these days, I remember when they won five Super Bowls in six years they were the greatest division of all divisions, and now they are the worst.

Lifestyle change will it last?

 Lately, I have been a mess, and I'm three stone overweight, my knees are in constant pain, I am suffering from depression, and I live with anxiety nearly every day.  Last week I tried to kill myself, or so I thought, looking back I did not try to kill myself I wanted to make myself happy by taking a ridiculous amount of diazepam. Stupid when you think about it, but then being mentally ill makes you do dumb things in the vain hope it makes you feel something positive. 

Last week I also had a blood test, and due to excessive drug-taking because of my pain meds and mental illness meds, my kidney reading was a little high.  It got me thinking and, the logical reasoning that I use to get out of these situations kicked in, and I decided enough was enough. I had to change. Nevertheless, change is difficult, and how does one change when the usual outlet for this change is exercise.

I bought a smartwatch, I added a wellness app to my phone, not a fitness app a wellness one and I determined to change.

The first thing I needed to change was drinking water. I never used to drink any water.  I had one of those plastic bottles people use for the gym, just sitting there unused, I had never even taken the plastic of the bottle.  It holds about 750 ml of water, and I had many gallon water bottles bought earlier in the year when I thought the shit was going to hit the fan over COVID.  I now drink about 5 to 6 of those a day, instead of a coffee I drink water. 

Another reason why I decided I needed to improve my health is a little embarrassing, over the past year every two to three months if I am constipated due to the meds, I get a rectal bleed, sometimes its a lot of blood and other times a little.  I eventually plucked up the courage to tell the GP, he was concerned and asked me several poo related questions, and I am now of the urgent list for a camera up my backside. Although I do not feel worried about this, it did help me to revaluate my lifestyle choices.  

(That is the strange thing about my anxiety, leaving the house or thinking I have let someone down causes massive anxiety, perhaps having cancer no anxiety at all - fucking weird).

Therefore, now I have my smartwatch, and I drink lots of water, the next thing to tackle was my eating habits.  To say I am a binge eater would be an understatement, no matter how much I try, I cannot eat one of a piece of food I love. Crisps I eat every packet, chocolate I eat the whole bar, biscuits the entire box. I then mentally punish myself and vow never to do it again.  I have tried everything to get out of this habit, and I go through phases of not buying the items I love, or getting less fat or sugar versions, but to no avail. However, now I have the wellness app and the smartwatch and since I love stats and information.  I have found that I am not eating all of the sweet foods or crisps because now I am making a note when I eat something it makes me think about how many calories I am going to intake and I stop.  The watch also tells me when I have been inactive for too long, and now it has motivated me to move my arms or stand up and twist.  Yes, I know it sounds silly, but it seems to be working.  True it is early days, and I can change in a heartbeat, but one other great thing I have noticed is the pain in my knees is not as bad.  It still extremely painful when I walk downstairs but, the general movement like just standing and walking ten paces is much better.

Yesterday, I challenged myself to cycle up an incline I have avoided in the past, and I made it up without stopping. I can feel my fitness ethic returning, and it makes me feel happy.  Yes, I feel fucking happy, granted it was only yesterday but climbing the incline, drinking the water, less pain in my knees is improving my mood considerably.  

I have a long way to go, I am 18 stone, and so my goal is to get back down to 15 stone eventually.  I know it's not going to be easy, and my first goal is to make it to 100 kg, (I'm about 117 kg presently. I find it easier to work in kilos).

I do still have worries, my doctors want to prescribe me antipsychotics, which make you gain weight and the thought of going over 20 stone is something I could not cope with mentally.  I have told them this and asked if I could get a weight loss pill to combat the excess weight gain, but they would not entertain it.  It seems they will give you drugs to keep you calm but make you gain weight, but what is the point if it makes you so depressed you try suicide again.  My psychiatrist understands this and is trying to find a better solution, but my GP just does not get it.

Luckily, I do not drink alcohol,(mainly becuase I just dont like it anymore) which is a blessing in these trying times, I stopped taking drugs as well, so I am as clean as I have ever been.  I booked myself in for an NHS health check to see how unhealthy I am.  Hopefully, by the time I take the assessment, I will have started to improve my general health from drinking water, eating less and healthier, and doing more exercise.  Oh, I nearly forgot, and the writing, I know I am not the greatest writer, but the fact I am writing again is fantastic.  It helps tremendously.

The last problem I have that is not worrying me, but if it continues, it might start to affect my mental state of mind, is sleeping.  I am sleeping less. My smartwatch said I only slept for 5 hours last night and 3.5 hours tonight.  Additionally, most of my sleep is light sleep which cannot be good for my wellbeing.  Unfortunately, I need medication to sleep, and it has been an antipsychotic Quetiapine. However, the way it makes me feel in the morning is depressing, you feel fuzzy and dull like a grey painting, and recently I have felt incredibly depressed.  The psychiatrist is going to try and find better sleep medication.  I know some may say get off the meds, and you will eventually fall asleep naturally, this is not the case with me, I continuously ruminate and never get to sleep, my heart races, my legs shake, and I toss and turn.  It is unbearable by the morning I am so tired it makes me irritable and slowly leads to bouts of dissociation and mania.

Well, I think that it enough for today, let's hope I can write again tomorrow and keep up my return to a healthy lifestyle.

Will We Survive Winter 2020, Spring 2021? War is coming

 The world is in a precarious situation, the saying "what comes around goes around" seems apt.  It is like we have forgotten how destructive war is and the divisions it causes. Division especially appears to be the issue in 2020, the left and their Woke ideology, the right and their nationalistic pride.

America is a powder keg ready to blow, and any sane person must be able to see the signs.  Whatever happens in their election, one side will feel betrayed and blame the other side calling out the corrupt system that is endemic in the US.

Now I would like to think I am left-leaning, I voted Labour, but if the right had a good idea, I would not rubbish it for the sake of it, to me that is a childish attitude to have. I wanted to see a government that cared for it's citizens instead of the bungling fool who won the election, Boris Johnson.  The COVID fiasco has shown how inept our government is, and they are like headless chickens reacting instead of being proactive.

We now live in a country that resembles Nazi Germany/ Stalinist Russia in the 30s, snitch on your neighbours, disallow any pleasure.  Being young today must be awful, and I have great sympathy for the students going to university for the first time, and missing out on all the social events that would normally be happening.  In the UK we are close to a civil war between the young and old.  Although I feel they have taken woke culture and identity politics too far, I understand why they think the way they do.  Young people, whether they are white, black, Asian, gay (LGBTQ+), or straight, are feeling let down, and they are sick of it, they are sick of being persecuted. Sick of being underrepresented and used as a device for people to virtual signal, and with no one listening to them.  I suffer from a mental illness, and I think the same way at times, my life has not been great and so although I have no idea what it is like to be called racist remarks or laughed at for being queer or trans. Or attacked for being gay. I feel an inner struggle to deal with who I am and how others perceive me.

As far as America goes the issues they have a far greater than the UK's, as they own millions of guns they have militia armies of radical left and right and it is only a matter of time before a gun battle ensues.

And then there is China, we have removed the curtain after the COVID CCP Virus, and the world now sees China for what it is. Public enemy number one, after their blatant lies about the COVID (CCP Virus), when something might have been able to combat it.

The CCP is just like the mafia, a criminal organisation that steals ideas, persecutes its citizens, brakes international laws and pretends to help by giving loans and building roads. Still, the cost to the countries ends up being considerably higher than the gain.  Now the US has made China enemy no.1, and companies are pulling out, moving their factories to India and Vietnam.  The Chinese economy is going to be bad this year; continuous floods and other extreme weather events are going to cause famine when you have 1.4 billion mouths to feed.  The fact they have reneged on the agreement over Hong Kong and their treatment of the Uighurs and other ethnic groups is appalling. 

The US has banned Chinese phone apps, and it had banned the sale of microchips to Chinese companies. Eventually, the CCP will have no choice to but to react.

As Taiwan is the closest country that has the chips required for the latest technology, don't be surprised if China invades Taiwan.  They have illegally built airbases in the South China Sea, they have started fights with India in the Himalayas.  I can see Xi doing what Hitler did when he invaded Czechoslovakia and invading Taiwan.  Doing this when the US is a crisis seems like the type of thing the CCP would do.  Would America attack China, a nuclear power over Taiwan?  With all the political strife in the US, China may take the opportunity to try a first strike.  There is a reason the US, Japan, India and Australia have created a south pacific NATO.

China is a country in deep trouble internal fighting, terrible natural disasters and being the country that created COVID CCP virus. 

When the depression starts to kick in around the world, which it will, it is only a matter of time, we will be reliving the 1930's, and we all know what happened at the end of that decade.

War is coming; it is inevitable. 

Overdose attempt 20 or so...

 I have not written for a while, but I am sitting here, it's 5.30 am and I thought I would add my thoughts about my latest suicide attempt, which I now realise was an overdose, my stupid mind thinking taken 50 10 mg of diazepam would make me happy.

It was different this time, usually, when I try, it is a half-hearted attempt, take too many pills, you know you'll likely survive, and I always do, I always wake up.

What made this attempt different is that I am living with knee and leg pain.  For years my get out of jail free card was exercise, fitness, being physically healthy, and so I could always use exercise to save me, it was my safety blanket. Now, this is not the case; arthritis is crippling my knees and causing unimaginable pain at times.  My left leg will not straighten, and I limp around like an 80-year-old.  When I attempt to go for walks, my 74-year-old mother can walk quicker than I can.  As I am now unable to straighten my left leg as it causes shooting pain, I find it challenging to get to sleep.  The drugs I take I starting to not work in helping me sleep, I wake up in pain, if I have moved while asleep.  When I do wake up, I lie there staring at the ceiling full of anxiety and depression because the pain is so extreme when first getting out of bed to make you want to cry.  I have to sit down to descend the stairs because the pain is so bad after waking.

I am sure many people have lied in bed in the wee dark hours wondering is it all worth it.  All I think about is, if this is what my life is going to be like, I am only 49 for god's sake, then what's the point.  

I've tried to commit suicide many times before, reliving abuse from my childhood; however, physical pain is like adding a constipated turd on top of a shit sandwich.

As if living with this is not bad enough, we have COVID to contend with, and it seems it's an excuse to go back to the days when the NHS took bloody ages because of long waiting lists before helping anyone.  

Speaking of COVID, presently, a bunch of morons are running the country, they do not have one clue what to do.  Is it not about time that there were training and exams before being able to take the highest offices of power in this country?

Why did they not use the temporary Nightingale hospitals for COVID and leave the regular hospitals for elective surgeries, for people with cancer and all the other ailments that are far more important than bloody COVID?  It seems as though the world governments want to destroy everything and send us back to the stone age.  The world is on a precipice similar to the 1930s; it feels like we are a Gavrilo Princip moment away from WW3.  Perhaps the disgraceful death of George Floyd is that moment, but it feels something worse is still to come.

COVID seemed dangerous in the beginning, but now it kills next to no-one, and yet we are living like its NAZI Germany or Stalinist Russia.  

We are a spit away from a major war, either between left and right, or  China and the west. Civil unrest is going to continue, and the buffoons at the top - Johnson and Trump, and god forbid senile Biden - let's face it we're are all fucked.

Consequently, after being stuck in lockdown with depression and anxiety, severe pain in my legs and knees, bouts of insomnia, and a feeling of despair and dissatisfaction, I decided to take 30-40 10mg diazepam. 

I have no recollection of what happened apart from a dream-like state which I felt after the attempt.

According to my mother, I was screaming that I was in so much pain in my legs that I could not take it anymore.  The paramedics came and took my meds from me, and I went to the hospital.  I had vague dream-like memories of trying to speak saying I was fine but being unable to communicate a coherent sentence.  It was like being extremely drunk.

I was also not allowed any visitors because of COVID, and sometime in the early hours, I was discharged still in a fugue state, still unable to communicate and without any money or my phone.  How I managed to get home is anyone's guess.

I do not know if the NHS was helpful or not, it did not seem as though they were and I thought of all those virtue signallers clapping for the brave NHS - what a load of bollocks. 

It seems the NHS has regressed. They have no money, and they seem to be using COVID as an excuse to do nothing to help people.  More people are dying from everything other than COVID presently.  This sham of a government is bumbling along like Johnson always does, like when he was stuck on the zip wire, and fat fool unable to do anything but waffle on talking nonsense.

If things continue as they are going and unemployment continues to rise, civil unrest will increase, when the furlough ends and there are no jobs for millions of people, what will our bungling government do then?  In America, it seems even worse no matter the outcome of the election in November, one side will feel aggrieved, and with all the guns they have the states, civil war is almost inevitable.

2020, will go down in history never to be forgotten but I have a horrible feeling 2021 will be worse.  No wonder suicide rates are through the roof.

The misery of Depression and Anxiety

It's 3:48 in the morning, and I am sitting here pondering my future. Life feels like it's drifting away from me.  The past is an unsettling mist clouding my thinking and making me feel depressed and anxious. I feel anxious most of the time these days. I wonder how to proceed forward, and it just feels pointless. I have no confidence in me anymore. The world tries to squeeze everything out of oneself, and I think there is nothing left to squeeze out of me. I was once full of ideas and loved to think of what might be, but today's society leaves one bereft of positive thought.

I want to be positive, but when one has a job one does not enjoy. A father with Alzheimers Disease who I sometimes feel enjoys life more than I do,
because he has no memory of the past, he lives in the present, the now and never seems unhappy. Living in the present is what Eckhart Tolle always mentions in his books.  Obviously, that is not true, I cannot imagine what it must be like only knowing what is happening in front of you, but he never is down unless he is sick.

Mental illness is a disorder that projects negativity out on others; it does not just affect oneself but everyone around you. It is the self-fulfilling prophecy whirling around inside your brain until the brain gives up.

I am sitting and pondering my next steps, and I was looking at LinkedIn.  I see by chance some names of people I used to work with, and I am not sure why I see them.  I try to avoid them as I see they have been successful, which makes me more depressed.  I'm pleased for them. They are wonderful, intelligent people, but it sickens me inside that I failed in life. I try to avoid most people from my past.  I would love to ask them for help, but I could never ask.  Asking for help is one of the hardest things you ever do, and why would they help me.  As I said earlier, mental health affects those around you, and I did not make it easy on my friends.  As my mother would have said when I was a child, 'it's your bed, you have to lie on it'.

Deep down, I know I have the ability, I've just spent nine months learning new skills, one easy one very difficult, but it does not bring any satisfaction.  I feel like a newly blind person, who needs to be lead around unable to find any footing in any direction.

Anyway, here I am writing, which perhaps is a good sign.  I have not been able to use my brain for anything bordering creative for a while.  Every opportunity I try leads me down the wrong path, and then I look back at all the paths I have attempted, and I think to myself, is there anything left. Or I am doomed to live with depression, anxiety and the occasional manic attack, which used to be very enjoyable but also very destructive.

Where does WWW3 begin?

With tensions rising all over the world, it seems inevitable there will be a spark somewhere that will start the war to end all wars.

Back in 1914, Gavrilo Princip shot Archduke Ferdinand, which was the fuse that started the first world war.  Back then, most of Europe's politicians wanted war, and war is what they got. The Great War was four years of hell, and many years after that, including WW2, all caused by one moment.

Presently, there is tension in China over Hong Kong, tensions in India and Pakistan over Kashmir, as well as the crazy leaders in the US (Trump) and UK (Johnson).  Adding extra fuel are the Russians and their increased involvement in world affairs, including their occupation of the Crimea.  The Chinese also are causing concern in the South China Sea, and we haven't even mentioned the usual suspects the North Koreans and Iran.

It seems the friction point will be in Asia this time and not Europe, even though Europe is trying to tear itself apart once again with the rise of rightwing extremism.

It seems we are all fucked, and it is only a matter of time before one of these many fuses light and we explode into World War 3.

Time to change our broken political system

The problem with that statement is simple - how do we change it?

How do we get rid of these dead weight politicians and replace them with people who give a damn about us and our future? 

Brexit has clearly shown us that they do not care about our wellbeing or the wellbeing of our country.  They would deliberately take this country into a nightmare.  They would use no judgement skills or reasoning as to why this is a terrible idea for the majority that did not go to public school, or have well off parents to make their journey through life easier.

Now I am in no way talking about revolution, but I would imagine plenty are thinking that way.  It seems that the only way to change the human condition is through violence which I do not prescribe.  Nevertheless, extremism is on the rise in all countries, people are sick of years of austerity, poverty, and not having a future. Whether you are on the right or the left, for Brexit or against it, the only conclusion I can come to get us out of this mess is total rehaul of our political system, from how and who we elect to the goals that they have to try to meet. Do they even have targets as ministers?  The only objective they ever take seriously is self-interest or the interest of their rich friends.

The time has come to change this.