What is a Sane American going to do on Election Day?

I have a lot of empathy for the 100 million Americans who do not want Trump or Biden. What a choice, it's like deciding whether to be 'burned at the stake', or 'hung drawn and quartered'. In the UK we had a similar situation, last year between indecisive  Corbyn or lazy good for nothing Johnson.

Everyone knows how bad Trump is; he is so bad that most of his crimes are now just forgotten or even excused. Biden also has plenty of skeletons in his closet and a junkie son who is paid by foreign governments (Russia and China have been mentioned in the news) just because he is Bidens, son.

The other major issue is their age, will they last another term?  We have seen how quickly hair goes from ordinary to grey, what happens when they are grey already?

The VP Candidates are not better in any way. Kamala Harris, seems like a cross between a female Damien the Antichrist, from The Final Conflict, as well as Claire Hale Underwood from House of Cards. Mike Pence acts like a zombie risen from the dead mixed with a closet religious fanatic who regularly whips his back for having to deal with Trump every day.

This election is an example of a desperate election, trying to elect a man with dementia who will likely die from the stress not long after being inaugurated because the guy the Democrats wanted most was a Democratic Socialist. We cannot have socialism seeping into American politics. Barak Obama forced all candidates to drop out in favour of a senile old man.  What does that say about Obama and his legacy?

Unfortunately, America needs Trump to win again, and perhaps then they can overhaul the whole election process, allow another party to join the Dems and Reps. Maybe the new party will be made up of the representatives who give a damn about the people, and give them what they need instead of what big business wants.

However, just like my Dallas Cowboys, being pragmatic, having sanity and common sense is a commodity that is too expensive for governments around the world.  What is it going to take to change them?

I know I have said WWW3 is not far away from going hot; nevertheless, it would be nice if for once that we did not need a war to change the way things work internationally.

Sorry, 100 million, I feel your pain, maybe next time, will they learn, nonetheless, as with Dallas I somehow doubt it.

Dallas Lose to Washington

Watching the Cowboys at the moment is like being shot in the gut, the pain never ends, as you bleed out. We are crap in every position apart from receiver and Aldon Smith. Dallas now has an OLine I think I could breakthrough. There is no point in discussing the game as it was terrible from the beginning to the end. I could only bear the game until half time, and that was it for me. 

Jerry says he is not going to sell anyone he's a buying owner.  Why? What is the point in wasting draft picks because we will overpay for them as other teams know our situation.  Rebuild Jerry, use all that football insight gained over 25 years of total control and don't waste draft picks on players that might be good be are likely not to make any difference. I saw an article mentioning Quinnen Williams as a possible trade, now perhaps a second for him would be a good deal, but the Jets won't trade for a second they will want more. The Jets were unlucky yesterday, and so was Cincinnati, I suppose if the Jets want first pick in the draft, they may trade him for a third because let's face it, Dallas seems odds for the first pick, which is a no brainer we get Lawrence.  One does not pass up generational talent.  Once we have Lawrence we have many opportunities, we can keep Dak to help Lawrence for a year.  However, Dallas needs to get rid of the expensive dead wood, Zeke has shown he is no Barry Sanders or Emmitt Smith.  He needs a great OL to perform at his best.  Trade him for a second to a team that needs a great running back.  Get rid of Tank, and unfortunately, we need to trade Amari Cooper as well. The amount, money saved, will hopefully get players with heart.  What has Zeke or Tank done since getting their big contract - nothing, or not what their massive salaries demand?  Pollard is a good enough running back. I have no clue about how American football works, but I am a pragmatist, I'm sure there are many out there that want to see Jerry trade for someone for too many drafts picks so we can finish 5-11.  Then we can make the playoffs and then God will say to Jerry - with this team I thee grant massive luck, and you will do something never done before in football history.  And then Jerry will wake up for his dream and have to face reality. The team is crap; the coaches are crap, the front office is crap, the Dallas Cowboys organisation the richest sports team in the world are so bad as to make bad too good for them.  If Jerry were just the owner and not the GM, he would have sacked all of them by now.

Stop thinking of yourself Jerry, and think of the millions of fans and billions of dollars Dallas makes for you, it will start to dry up as young kids will be Patriots fans and not Dallas fans.  Why would any kid want to support the present Cowboys team?

Mercedes dump Bottas for Russell?

Oh, if only that was true.  I should have added a please in there but who writes realistic headlines these days.  Now that it seems likely though not confirmed that Williams new owners would prefer cash over class.  George Russell might be without a drive next year.  One of the best up and coming drivers, perhaps the best with Verstappen and Leclerc will have to spend a year in the test seat.  I always believe in the best getting the best seats, keeping Bottas seems utterly crazy.  In a saner world, Bottas would not be driving for Mercedes; he would be with a mid-row team where his talent would be high.  He could shine against the likes of Perez, Albon, Norris, Sainz, and Vettel and the rest of them in mid-table hell. Then we could see a proper battle for the title between Lewis and George.  Lewis has his record for the number of wins and will equal Schumacher with seven world titles by the end of the season.  Hamilton destroyed Bottas by 25 seconds today, so what is the point of this continuing.  I love Lewis Hamilton as a driver, and I think he is a far better person than some give him credit, but Bottas seems to me to be like one of Schumacher's lackeys, there to come second and pick up the odd win. No disrespect to Bottas he is a good driver, and would probably dominate in slower cars. Still, surely Mercedes must realise having him there another season for him to be humiliated further which will happen is ludicrous.  Russell will perhaps take his time to adjust, but adjust he will, and he will give a least a battle to Hamilton and not just be some pathetic loser making excuses as Bottas does race in race out.

The only reason I can think that Merc would not change drivers is for ethical reasons because unlike others team like Williams, they will not get rid of a driver under contract.  Nevertheless, since Bottas signed his contract, he is regressing as Lewis humiliates him further.  Seeing Bottas' reaction after being handed a victory in Russia was pathetic.

For argument's sake, Merc decides they are going to honour their 2021 contract with Bottas and Williams do not honour theirs with Russell.  What does Russell do then?  What should happen is the new Aston Martin team with Mercedes engines should remove their useless nepotistic driver Stoll and put Russell there.  Stroll is an embarrassment; first, he has kept his position over the more talented Perez, then he causes accidents and makes stupid mistakes nearly every weekend.  His father must love him and love wasting hundreds of millions on him because Lance Stroll does not deserve his seat in Formula 1.  Neither does his compatriot Latifi another multimillionaire driver, when are the F1 owner's Liberty Media going to grow some balls and stop this from happening.  How many great drivers never get a chance in F1? Many due to a wealthy asshole paying for the lesser driver to be there instead?  Latifi has never out-qualified Russell.  Stroll has a terrible qualifying record in F1, and he has been responsible for Ocon losing his seat and having to sit out a year. (which has not helped Ocon one bit).  Now he is responsible for Perez losing his seat, it's disgraceful.  Is he going to be there to be a Bottas for Vettel next season? Vettel won't allow Stroll to have preferential treatment as has happened at Ferrari with Leclerc? What happens to Stroll when daddy gets bored and does not want to support his son's lacklustre career.  I know I sound harsh, I am sure Latifi and Stroll and perfectly lovely people, but they are not F1 drivers, and I think it is a poor show that they take the places of better drivers. Ocon has not been the same since he had to leave for a year as a test driver, what will this do to Russell.  How do drivers like Stroll and Latifi live with themselves, I could not stay doing a job I knew I only had because my father was the wealthy owner, but that is how the wealthy work, they don't care about the little guy.

If Lawrence Stroll were a decent human, he would make his son have a face-off with Russell, and the best driver gets the Aston Martin seat for next year, and Stroll would have his seat back for 2022.

I will end by saying it will be a travesty if Russell has to miss a season of F1.  Mainly due to Mercedes being too ethical to replace Bottas, but not ethical enough for Williams to keep Russell, and for lesser drivers getting drives with Mercedes engines. Non-Mercedes engine cars not even having a chance to give Russell a seat mainly because they would want a longer than one year deal.

It all stinks.

30 million COVID Tests in UK - erm how many?

I am interested in the COVID or CCP virus, and how it is affecting the world, it was the tragic loss of life in the beginning and now the tragic loss of intelligence of the major western governments.  Occasionally I look at Worldometer's Coronavirus Update, and to my surprise it states that the UK has tested 30 million people for the virus.  Thirty million seems ridiculously high. Unless they include counting the same person several times, as they have done to the elderly in Care Homes. (I know they do this because they have tested my father many times and he is in a Care Home with Alzheimer's Disease).

If one looks at the numbers, it shows how absurd the lockdowns are and that they are destroying lives far quicker the COVID.

If Worldometer's figures are correct, we have a population of 67 million, and they have tested 30 million UK citizens.  Seven hundred ninety thousand have caught the virus, and 44 thousand have died. I know personally two people who have had the test and had the virus, my father and my uncle.  My mother knows a few more because her friends are all in their seventies. If they have done 30 million tests, I would expect to know more people who have had the test and more people who have caught the virus.

Nevertheless, personally I do not know any more CCP virus victims.  Does that not seem strange? Thirty million is nearly half the population of the UK. I should know more people who have contracted the virus.  I live in the North East of England a supposed hotbed of virus cases, and yet I never see any signs of how bad it is apart from people wearing masks.

The nodding heads in charge of our government does not have an ounce of common sense between them. They are rich idiots with a desire for power, and we are paying for this every day we continue lockdowns and the bullshit about how many tests they have completed. The problem with testing is it only shows what a person is like now to 28 days in the past. It does not indicate if they have already had the virus or how many tests you have had before.  What is the point of the testing if the information gained is or seems useless?  A better test would be one that shows if a person has caught the virus before as well as if they have it now.  However, 30 million tests clearly show that over 29 million of them were negative.

Create a New Political Party Now! Before our Country is Destroyed

The UK is in crisis.  We have a PM who only thinks of his wealthy friends and people of the south.  It is no surprise that the worst affected places for COVID are the North of England, Wales, and Scotland.  Boris Johnson and his cronies do not care about the North. He is trying to destroy the country because he is useless and unable to cope with the massive responsibility of keeping us all safe. He is a bumbling fool who might have seemed OK if the country was not in the throes of a pandemic. Unfortunately, we are in that situation, and the lazy liar is not competent enough to run the country.  In saner times, there would be a vote of no confidence, but the left has no backbone now. Labour is a joke and not a genuine opposition party.

I have said before Popular Party Politics is not a quality way to run the country because someone may have a good personality or be popular because he/she can make great speeches or is good at lying.  Nevertheless, they are people who generally crave power and desire it above all else.

The PM lied about Brexit and is sending us into a no-deal Brexit while we are in the middle of a pandemic, which seems like insanity. He is serially unfaithful to nearly all of his partners, including the one he is with now.  He has many children from different women, which he does not acknowledge.  In his past jobs, his colleagues state Johnson is a lazy liar, from his newspaper days.  He switched sides to gain a political advantage showing he does not care whether Brexit is good or bad, but it helped the fool become PM.

We are in a dire situation in this country, and it could get much worse after January if we have a no-deal Brexit. We need to change the way parliament elects its ministers.  I think they need to take an exam before being allowed to run and have a certificate declaring they can be a minister and an even more difficult test for each department.

One has to pass exams in most jobs these days to ensure you are competent to perform the tasks. Why is it not the case for ministers?

We have to pass a test to drive a car.  Doctors have to go to medical school to be a doctor or surgeon or any other type of medical position. Even nurses have to pass exams, and I don't mean to denigrate nursing. I think nursing is one of the most demanding jobs with the least amount of credit.  

The point I am making is anyone who can afford it can run to be a minister, and if they sound genuine (even if they are not), they have a chance to be voted into parliament.  Some seats in the country are guarantees for Conservatives and Labour, which is preposterous.

Does anyone believe Boris Johnson could pass such a test, with his degree in literature?

A new party is needed and with an exam to see if the person is competent to be elected.  Ensure the exam is known to the public and that anyone can try to see if they would make a good minister.  If the people know the new party has only competent delegates and no rich morons or power-hungry sociopaths, it will catch on.  I would vote for someone who showed a degree of common-sense regarding being a minister.  And I hope the rest of the public would want to vote for them as well.

Dallas would be crazy to win NFC Least

 I'm from the UK, and so I am not as fanatical about American football as Americans are. I love the Dallas Cowboys, but I am also a pragmatist.  The Cowboys are dreadful they now have a crap offence to go with their crap defence.  They are winning the division with a losing record and every team in the NFC West has a better record than Dallas.

They have to try not to win the division because they are not going to beat any team outside the NFC East. Nevertheless, now with the crap offence, a second rate offensive line. They will lose to the Giants at their stadium and lose to the Eagles as well. Imagine this, horrifying situation Dallas with five wins tops the division, when if all things were equal they would have in the first ten places in the draft, perhaps even higher.  Dallas has no hope beating any team in the playoffs, and they will also be a laughing stock for winning with such a dismal record.  Imagine that record worse ever wins to get to the playoffs.

I do not think it will happen, I do not believe they will beat the Eagles in either game, and they will lose the Giants in New York.  I'm not sure about Washington. I have not seen them play this season.

The thing I do not understand is the pundits on ESPN and Fox Sports, and the rest of them, they all said it's easy for Dallas to win the division and then anything can happen.  Yes, they are right, anything can happen, but if you were a betting man, you would not put your house on Dallas winning any game in the playoffs. Without a first-team OL, using a backup QB, a defence that runs around like headless chickens and Zeke, fumbling every week, and seeming as if he has lost his confidence. The only thing positive on the Dallas team are the receivers.  

What does Jerry do?  It's his shit show, hiring the wrong head coach, demanding to be involved in the decisions at the team level and instead of sitting in his box every weekend watching the game.  Ever since Jerry decided he wanted to be the main man and that he could do what Jimmy Johnson did, Dallas has seen a steady decline.

At least I can now see the value in Dak because Dalton was crap.  Jerry needs to get his head out of his ass, and not panic trade for players that are not going to help improve. We are not going to turn into Seattle or Kansas suddenly. He has to make sure we do not finish top of the division because all of our rivals will get top quality players in the draft and we will be near the bottom even after only winning five games.

We have to be pragmatic. This season is over. We need to take a leaf out of the Jets book and continue to lose so we can rebuild for next year.  By the draft we will know if Dak is going to be the same player if he signs him on the bloody contract, he has now proven his worth to the team.  If he is not going to be the same, hopefully, we will be high enough to grab one of the premier QB's from next years draft.  I know this is not going to go down well, but I think we need to trade Zeke, he costs Dallas a fortune and his output is dire. Tank as well, is a waste of money, get some draft picks for them, so we can adequately rebuild.  And last but certainly not least sack McCarthy and Nolan and Moore and bring in someone with a degree of ingenuity, which would mean Jerry keeping his nose out of day to day running.

Unfortunately knowing Dallas and Jerry, he will make a stupid, desperate, trade and he will try to win the division.  He won't sack McCarthy, he will not trade Zeke or Tank, and we will be crap next year as well.

A War with China Seems Inevitable

 I hope I am wrong, but the way the world is heading war with China seems inevitable. I am not going to state the reasons why, as they are obvious to anyone who is paying attention to world affairs. 

However, I am going to pick a significant reason, sanctions against China and it's lack of understanding of how to make next-generation microchips.

China is unable to make microchips used in today's technology. China is at the very least ten years behind, mainly because stealing other countries ideas or patents and blatantly trying to copy them, does not make their ingenuity evolve. 

They have to steal ideas continually to keep up and now the other countries of the world of sick of it.  Banning the sale of next-gen microchips will hit China hard, and they do not have the intellectual property to create microchips, themselves.

Two countries near China, have this ability, Taiwan, and Japan.  When their current stockpile of microchips run out and let's be clear, the countries making chips will have in all likelihood advance further in the technology.  What does China do, they will invade Taiwan.

What happens after the invasion will decide the future of the world for years to come.  Due to how Europe handled Hitler and their willingness to appease in the hope Hitler would not start a war failed considerably, and 50-100 million people lost their lives.

I believe this is the fate we find now with China.

China has the misguided idea that it is now the most powerful country in the world, and perhaps a year ago, this might have been true.  Nevertheless, their game of obfuscation and their attempt to inveigle the western powers by giving them piles of cash.  The plan was working until COVID-19, and then the world started to wake up to China's true intentions.  They do many things that are similar to the Nazi's.  Both China and the Nazi's want /wanted, other countries land, claiming it is theirs by right.  They both subjugate specific minority races or creeds as well as control their population with fear and intimidation. Only now it is a much easier task with information technology.

Most countries are concentrating on their problems, needless lockdowns to control the population, violence increasing on the streets, in some parts of America and Europe.  What will the western powers as well as the new Eastern powers, do to stop a war with China, and what will they do if or when China invades Taiwan?

China is picking a fight with every nation that surrounds them that to normal libertarian people, this seems preposterous. Why exacerbate and create tension with India over borders in the Himalayas? Why pick a fight with Russia over Vladivostok?  Both are nuclear powers, and both have massive armies as well as tech that is better than Chinese tech, especially when it comes to weapons.  All the countries surrounding China know war is coming, Taiwan is getting US weapons, Japan has for the first time since the second world war started building war machines for land and sea.  South Korea is also now a builder of war machines, weapons and technology.  South Korea and Japan are two of the most technologically innovative countries in the world.  What is Xi Jinping's goal?  What does he think he is going to gain from all this aggression? I'm not a megalomaniac, sociopathic leader who thinks he is better than everyone else, so I do not understand his motives.  However, if we look at Hitler or Stalin's motives, we might get clues.  Hitler was a racist, and he lived with denial about why Germany lost the First World War for most of his life.  He believed Germans or Aryans, and their closest racial types Anglo-Saxon's were superior to everyone else. Hitler convinced himself, the Jews were responsible for everything terrible that was happening to his country.  Stalin was a different type of tyrant; he was paranoid, sceptical and devious.  In my opinion, Stalin was worse than Hitler; however, both are the two worse leaders in the last 200 years.  Stalin knew he had to hold off Hitler for as long as possible to build up his forces, but years before he had murdered most of the upper ranks of his army.  The purge murdered millions of Russians, and some say up to 25 million people died, and many more sent to gulags.

The two leaders were responsible for between 80 and 100 million deaths.

Which type of megalomaniac sociopath is Xi Jinping, presently he seems a mixture of both, which is alarming to think of in today's climate. He is paranoid about losing power like Stalin, and he is responsible for concentration camps like Hitler, and gulags (Russian meaning for forced labour camps) like Stalin.  He coverts other countries possessions and land, like both Stalin and Hitler. I suppose now I think about it, they are all alike, but the weapons of today are vastly more dangerous than in 1939.

Another factor to think about is the Chinese people, and I feel considerable empathy for anyone living under an oppressive regime. It is appalling in this day that anyone in the world has to live like that.

I hope China will see their fight is futile and change their ways; nonetheless, I do not believe this will happen.

We are a fickle species, and we never learn from our past we always end up making the same mistakes over and over again.

Depression - A Poem

 How does one take the blues away?

Suicidal thoughts won’t disappear,

Fear and guilt they do build-up,

Getting ever worse, and worse.

I sometimes wish I had no emotions,

At least negative ones would help,

It feels that my positive ones are nearly empty,

While the negative is overflowing.

There are different versions of depression,

The one I feel now is deepest regret,

It flows through me like a poisonous river,

Bursting its banks and flooding everywhere.

I hope that the river does eventually dry up,

I want it totally disappear,

But deep down inside me, I know it’s never-ending,

My mind knows it will be here forever.

Is There Life After Death?

 Life after death is one of the main questions religious people think about as their various religions showcase their version of heaven.

I am not going to talk about the various versions and whether I think they are true or not.  I'm going to talk about what I think happens when you die and the fact I can think of such an idea is very thrilling to me.

I wrote years ago that Dark Energy could be where our conscious energy transfers to when the physical body dies, which seemed plausible.

What I surmised was that if the secret of the universe is to transfer energy into different states, like potential energy changing to kinetic energy. Energy has transferred from one state to another. I then thought of Newton's Laws of Thermodynamics. Now I am not a scientist, so I am not going to start trying to explain something very complex. I will look a fool.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics talks about entropy and for example, the energy in the form of heat dispersing from a cup of coffee.  Simply put, entropy is the disorganisation of energy like a cup falling off a table and smashing on the floor.

Now my mind might not be scientific, but it can see patterns and connections as many people's minds do.  I use entropy in the brain at the physical level. Energy is flowing through the brain, making connections that make the brain create intelligence, memory, imagination and the synaptic nerves are like electronic pathways to connect information.  If you have ever seen a map of the universe, the cosmic web, it will remind you of the patterns in a brain.  On Earth genius minds who created the internet have made a human-made version of an Earth-sized brain. It may not look the same, but it has the same process using energy to make connections.

I feel that transferring energy from one state to another, making connections, creating a Googleplex of different creations, ideas, universes, you name it.

So the question - is there life after death boils down to what happens to the brains energy once it has made this connection and is there a way of saving the conscious.  Perhaps through entropy. 

This thought process brings me to Dark Energy and what it is and what it might be.  Perhaps its an incorrect name and it's not energy at all, it something we are not at this time intelligent enough to understand (which is the most likely reason).  However, it could be energy, and the fact it is expanding is due to the transference using the entropy of energy from one type to another.  It also could be the excess energy from matter is syphoned off from the planet and turns into dark energy.  The excess energy could mean that a form of life exists in the dark energy, and it comes from every part of the matter in the universe.

An example will be if you look at a person through thermal goggles, you can see the energy leaving the body in the form of heat.  Perhaps if you looked at the body through a different energy spectrum, we could see brain energy leaving the body and transferring to dark energy.  I do not know what it could be.  Perhaps the energy mixes into different multi-universes within the dark energy, and the reason it is expanding is because energy is slowly, very slowly, from our perspective, changing matter into energy.  The change through entropy causes dark energy to expand the universe, and the reason it is so fast as we look through our telescopes is that we see every universe and there could be an infinite amount doing the same thing.

What does this have to do with life after death?  Well, unfortunately, I do not think you will live another life with the memories of this life as they will dissipate throughout different universes.  Nevertheless, that does not mean you will not experience other lives with the same personality, and perhaps small things from your life will stay together. If you think of your present life, you only remember a tiny amount of the information you have received throughout your lifetime.  Nonetheless, at any time information can be recognised and used, in a similar way to me remembering this information I had forgotten or not understood for many years since I wrote it: childhood memories and flashback of events that are clear as day.

Therefore life after death might be possible, but it will be as you are living this life with no knowledge of your past. In my opinion, it does not matter whether you want to remember your life or not, and you should be careful what you wish for, your next life might be worse than the present one.

Dallas are Totally Fkd Now!

 I found last nights game quite enjoyable in a weird way.  I thought the Giants played well last night (I'm in the UK), and so did Dallas at times.  However, just beating a team like the Giants by a field goal, and now losing Dak ( I bet they are pleased they did not sign that massive contract now), is a recipe for disaster.  I do not want to sound disparaging about Dak; it was a horrible injury that you would wish on no one, and I hope he gets well soon.  However, we only just beat the worst defence in the league, and you can see the issues both teams have too many injuries, bad players, and lots of mistakes.  I think Dalton did ok when he replaced Dak; nevertheless, Dak had to break passing records and still lose, how is Dalton even going to have a chance. Our defence was still awful at times, even against the worst offence in the league. I now do not think we will beat the Eagles anymore and I think we may struggle to beat the Giants at their stadium.  I've seen ESPN, and other YouTube pundits and they all believe Dallas will win the division.  Maybe it's my cynical soul, but what is the point of winning a division 5-11.  What chance will we have in the playoffs, no chance?  If we win with a record like that, do we finish above the teams who won 6 or 7 or 8 games?  I don't know for sure, but I doubt it.  I know we are not going to get Lawrence now, as the Jets are so crap that they are getting him, but the higher we are in the draft we might get a great DE, Safety, or Cornerback.  I was reading on ESPN that we should franchise Dak next year, are they crazy when they have no idea how he is going to be when the time comes around.

Looking at the rest of the team, the highly paid players looked better in this game, but it was against the Giants who have a record of 0-5.  Will they do as well against the Steelers?  Zeke still did not run for over 100 yards, against the worst offensive team in the league, yes he scored two touchdowns, but he's paid the megabucks to run over 100 yards in most games.

Overall, the future does not look good for Dallas.  Let's have a reality check, the season is over and winning this division will be terrible in the long term. We have one of the worst defences in the league, and our offence is not much better now that Dak is out for the season. We have only one first-class OL player, and three great receivers, especially CeeDee Lamb, two good running backs trapped behind the dreadful OL, a new QB who is likely to be good, but he's not going to throw 450 yards every game. Even if we played the best we could, and I hope we do, we are not going to win many games with the team and the coaching we presently have.  We have to look to next year and try and get the best player we can in the draft.

It's Terrible Never Feeling Happy, or, Fulfilled. However, Music Helps!

 I remember a time; now I think about it, many times when I felt very happy. I would be creative, imaginative and feel an incredible buzz surge through my body for no reason. It was like a superpower.  At the time, I did not know I was bipolar, and I did not realise that all this happiness came at a price.  For every wonderful feeling of sheer bliss, there was an unequal feeling of misery, depression, endless sadness and pain.  For one moment of happiness, there were ten moments of depression.

It seems now, as I reach my fiftieth year that happiness is running on empty and I have none left,  I cannot remember the last time I felt happy.  Life seems so pointless.  I could survive the depression when I was younger because I could exercise the pain away.  Being competitive though difficult when one is depressed can sometimes pull you back from the brink.  Exercise releases endorphins, which is the bodies natural happiness maker.  Over course, as with depression and happiness, exercise has its price and its called, wear and tear, which causes arthritis.

Arthritis leads to pain, and the pain stops you exercising and as you get older and heavier, the pain increases, and you want it to stop, but it feels impossible at times.

I want to make it known I do not feel sorry for myself, no fucking way.  I want rid of the pain, the physical pain, which is with me every second of every day.  Life is meaningless if one cannot enjoy being alive. I can't even stand for ten fucking minutes without my knees locking and the pain slowly increasing.

I get depressed when I am overweight. Fuck me, now I think about it everything depresses me these days.  The COVID pandemic that seems to be created to kill the old and bankrupt the poor.  The only people making any money off the bloody virus are the millionaires and even more so the billionaires. I have written about that bloody virus before; therefore, I'm not going to dwell on it now.  However, imagine this. The billionaires from all over the world decide the world is getting too crowded, we are destroying the planet with our consumerism (which most of then fucking created), and overcrowding.  Turning our beautiful planet, the one perfect for humans, into a garbage dump.  Now they are sitting with their big fat cigars and their hoodies if they are from Silicon Valley, and they think, "How can we change this?"  

One of the greedy bastards gets up and says, "I know, let's pay some mad scientist millions of dollars to create a virus that kills old people, but hardly anyone else."

"But most of us are old," says another.

"Yes, he replies, "but we are wealthy."

Everyone laughs.  

Then another pompous asshole gets up and says, "Can we get rid of the poor as well?"

"Um, we need the poor to buy all our crap."

Then one of the newer billionaire pricks says, "What if we make it seem worse than it is and bankrupt everyone but us.  We can get our government friends to give us a bailout and we'll make a killing."

Yes, this it is all fictional, but it certainly feels that way these days.  The wealthy are destroying our world.  They are so greedy it's disgusting.

Anyway enough of the COVID bollocks.

Writing is me trying to fight back, not against society, or even the pain in my knees.  I'm just fighting back the lack of happiness, I hope, and it is the slimmest of hopes that it will help me become creative again.  When I did write and paint, it was never great, when I was doing a Masters in Creative Writing, the dickhead professor thought it was ok to insult his pupils, now perhaps he can get away insulting a twentysomething. Still, it made me feel like shit, and it made me realise I was never going to be a writer.  Now I have seen many TV shows and films where the teacher deliberately belittles their student because they claim that is how they get the best out of them.  I do not think life works like that for the vast majority of us typical none genius types.  What if instead of belittling and insulting me, he had encouraged me to do a better job, to work harder to point out my strengths as well as weaknesses. Is it just me, or isn't that how it should be.  I never felt the same about writing after that.

I am a fucked up soul, and now, I do not believe people when they say I have done well. I don't believe them.

As always, I have digressed from my main subject of this post - never feeling happy or fulfilled.

Big sigh...

I'm listening to ambient music as I type away.  Songs from my younger days, at the moment its Morcheeba.  Music always brings back memories. Most of the time, they are good and sometimes sad.  The song Hurt sung by Johnny Cash, I know he did not write the song, but that song makes me sad in a happy way if that makes sense.  You feel the pain he feels as he sings, in the video, his wife stands behind him, and it brings a tear to my eye.  When I hear Perfect Day by Lou Reed, I immediately remember Trainspotting when Renton takes the overdose.  Fucking hell, no wonder I feel depressed the two songs I thought of one is about taking heroin, and the other is playing while the main character is taking heroin.  Now I will say I have tried many drugs in my life but never heroin.  Unless you count the time, I had to wear a metal frame held together with metal bars drilled into my bones.  In the vain hope, it would stretch my knee, and allow the surgeon to inject collagen and growth hormone, to rebuild my cartilage.  They gave me Oxycontin to ease the pain, but it didn't seem to do anything at least not in a bad way. I didn't get a high or anything from it.

They have just played AIR 'All I need', I loved the album Moon Safari, every song is excellent, and now they are playing 'Intro' by The X, another fantastic creation.  Now I have an urge to listen to Grandaddy's Sophtware Slump, which is one of my favourite albums ever written.  My favourite song is; 'Jed's Other Poem', followed by, 'He's simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot'. Oh, I also love 'So You'll Aim Toward the Sky'. The piano at the end of Jed's Other Poem, is so beautiful, I could listen to just that over and over again.

I know some people love owning albums or CD's or whatever it is you want to own, I prefer just asking Alexa.

It took a long time to start writing again, and I know no one reads apart from my mother and or some Autobot in Russia or the US.  Nevertheless, that is not the point. The point is to help me feel better to help me understand myself and if by the end of whatever I write, I think it is worth publishing, I will, but not always.  I may not be a great writer. However, I can understand and see total crap; it is unbelievable how many poorly written column inches I see online by journalists these days. Nonetheless, I cheat and use Grammarly as my editor.

My brain is starting to feel tired, and so I will leave it there, goodnight - me!

3 and a half hours for an Ambulance to arrive after having to travel thirty miles

 

I’ll really upset today,

My mother was rushed away,

Pain in her hip and groin

Screaming in pain and agony

Paramedics arrived late

3.5 hours after the call

I did not know what to think

I did not want to drop the ball.

 

Bloody COVID caused the delay

The ambulance did travel 30 miles,

No paramedics in Gateshead,

Why is it we always get shafted?

Why is it we are always delayed,

Perhaps it's because of lack of funds,

The rich don’t care about the NHS.

 

I had to tell a little white lie,

The screaming and the puking

Was hard to bear,

I’ve never ever seen her like this,

My saint of a mother so kind and generous,

I feel guilt - was it my fault what could I have done different,

 

This COVID obsession has to stop,

Why should they be a priority over others?

It’s just another illness like the flu,

It can be bad but for the very few,

Lockdowns are killing the northeast.

 

 

I don’t want to think the worst,

The ambulance sat outside,

For an age,

I’m really scared,

 

She may die,

Perhaps if the ‘bus’ had arrived earlier,

They could have checked earlier.

 

I feel pretty numb and distant,

It’s feeling like time for resistance.

 

Enough is enough now, it’s time to end the bullshit.

Oh them Dallas Cowboys - Total Shit

 Watching the game on Sunday, the defence was like seeing a bunch of headless chickens running around with no purpose other than dying.

What a total shitshow, nevertheless in the first quarter the offence looked very good, Dak looked good, CeeDee Lamb was excellent, but Zeke was crap.  The O-line is an old crumbling wall where the cement has eroded, and it's falling apart.

Then the second quarter started, and Dallas was back to being crap offensively and defence.  They conceded 31 points in the first half alone making mistake after mistake. It was pathetic, according to Colin Cowherd we had five first downs in the second and third quarters and Cleveland without their primary running back, still managed to put up over 300 yards rushing.  It was embarrassing to see how shit we have become.

Now could this be a cunning ploy to get some high draft picks, because this season is over the next 12 games I predict we can potentially lose every game or win at the most four games?  We are not going to beat: the Steelers, Vikings, Ravens, Bengals, and 49ers.  The other games depend on our shit league which everyone is calling the NFC least haha!

Even though the Giants are not very good, they always seem to beat Dallas apart from recent seasons. However, I remember crap Giants teams beating great or good Cowboys teams, like the playoffs when they beat the Patriots by luck in the superbowl.  They have Saquon Barkley who is excellent, but he is out for the season, perhaps if they had him, they would beat us.  So we should win that game, Washington should be a win, but you never know when all the teams are playing each in the NFCLeast are so crap, we are crap enough to lose to Washington but we also could win.  The Eagles I think we will lose to them, even though they have a third-string football team they beat the 49ers because they have Carson Wentz. Fine, I will be more optimistic and say we might win a game against the Eagles.

However what about the Cowboys, first off the QB Dak Prescott, Dak is going to want north of 40 million a year which is ridiculous for his level of play.  Yes, he's throwing lots of yards, but most of them are when Dallas is miles behind, and the other team takes their foot off the gas.  Being honest it was blind luck that we recovered the onside kick against the Falcons.  We have come back against the Browns, but Dak fucked up. He never makes that last play to take the lead; he either makes a wrong decision or throws an interception. Hopefully, someone will be foolish enough to see his massive yards thrown and give us two 1st round picks for him.  Next is Zeke Elliot, who seems to have lost his mojo now the o-line is rubbish, perhaps we should trade him away for more picks. On defence, we have DeMarcus Lawrence and Jaylon Smith both on massive contracts and playing well below their best.  Trade them as well.  The only outfit I would keep are the wide receivers. Oh plus Tyrone Smith and  Zak Martin.  I probably would also keep Dalton Schultz , Aldo Smith (our best player who has not played for 4 years) and Leighton Vander Esch, who is not on the roster anymore, what has happened to him as I could not find anything.  Finally, with more searching, turns out he still has not recovered from his collarbone injury.

Yes, it means we are doing what Miami has been trying for the last couple of years but if we ended up with QB, DE, Saftey, Cornerback it would be worth it.  I know people say its a lottery who you get, however, they are calling Lawrence a once in a generation player, is that worth the risk of replacing Dak with Lawrence, as Dak could not hit a barn door sometimes especially when he needs to step up.  It's not great play to only beat crap teams and miss last play touchdowns.  Twice we have fucked that up against Cleveland and Seattle, and not sure if we had the final play against the Rams.

The problem, unfortunately, is Jerry Jones, he's a billionaire who wants to pretend he knows about football as if anyone could be an NFL coach.  Hiring Mike McCarthy was a poor choice, just another yes man to control. Then there is the worst Defensive Coordinator in the league Mike Nolan who Dallas should sack immediately.  What happened to Kris Richard, why was he not given a chance.

I know this sounds defeatist, but I want Dallas to lose every game this season to get some great draft picks, its worked for Cleveland.  It worked for Dallas when Jimmy Johnson was in control.  He was the last time we had a great coach. Yes, I know Parcels was a great coach but not as much when he landed at Dallas. Jerry Jones is the reason we have been crap for 25 years because he wants yes men as Head Coaches to do what he wants as if he's the Head coach. Jerry, you have no idea what to do, and if you were head coach, teams would have sacked him multiple times.  You claim to be a great negotiator, but players know you are not and you give them ridiculous salaries which increase up the cap.  If you had signed Dak for a contract ages ago for £33 million, I bet he would have been happy, but now Deshawn Watson has a £43 million contract, and Patrick Mahomes has a fantastic contract.

Nevertheless, Dak is not near to their quality, but he will be expecting a contract north of £40 million now.  All our players on top contracts are because you are a lousy negotiator and tend to like the wrong kind of player.  It not hard to see that as soon as these players get their massive contract, the level of play decreases.  All of them are not as good as their enormous contract, and yet Dak wants a colossal contract.

Things need to change. Otherwise, we can expect this shit until Jerry dies.

Taking Trazadone for Depression and Anxiety - will it work?

 My psychiatrist recently suggested taking Trazadone to help with my anxiety and depression.  After taking the first pill, I did not find it allowed me to sleep, but the next day I woke up feeling terrible.  I suffered what felt like a migraine and flu-like symptoms across my whole body. Tuesday, unfortunately, was the day the insensitive insurance bloke called, and I suffered a total mental breakdown. Wednesday was the same, and it also contributed to severe constipation which I have never suffered with before. By Friday, the pains in my body were reducing, and the headaches were less severe. Saturday, the headaches were gone; however, one side effect was still there that was not so noticeable.  I was feeling tense and agitated, and everything seemed to be making me feel angry and distrustful. After the call from the insurance bloke.  My mind started to overthink, especially about my employer. Being suspicious is what happens to me now as I feel I have to follow my intuition as too many times in the past; my intuition was correct. 

The problem I find with my mental health is I have suffered many bad experiences in my life, and it has made me paranoid at times.  My head says my employer is a good company and only have my best interests at heart.  However, my intuition thinks something is not quite right about the situation I find myself in. I should have had a call from the occupational therapist who said she was a doctor.  I started to think am I delusional, do I imagine situations that are not true. I feel confident she told me she would call within 4-6 weeks and now it is nine weeks.  She said I would get a more straightforward job, so I did not feel suicidal.  I was encouraged by how she talked to me, she gave me some of my confidence back, and I assumed I would be back to work by October.

I did not get back to work because she never called me, and so I started to overthink why she had not called. I presume it is because we are in the middle of a pandemic and they don't have any jobs to give me.  Nevertheless, my thoughts were less rational and more irrational.  I started to spiral downhill quickly to the point of taking the overdose to feel some happiness. As well as the mental illness, I also had serve pain in my knees, which was bringing me down as I tried to walk and could not walk for very long without extreme pain. Anxiety, depression and severe pain in the knees together were making me feel worse.

Luckily from this very depressing situation, I have several appoints with doctors about all my many ailments.  I have an appointment every day next week and some the week after, which hopefully will start to make me feel better.  But what about my employer?  They are unable to sack me as I have asked them several times to let me go, to ease the stress my situation was causing. The occupational therapist mentioned that the disability act covers me and helps me to find a less stressful job with my employer, but that is very difficult due to COVID. 

I hope my meds start to work on the depression soon, as it has reduced anxiety a little bit. I am in the worst position presently that the future is unknown, and that increases my overthinking and accentuates my anxiety tenfold.

Fingers crossed things start to improve soon, however, with COVID increasing where I live and possible full-scale lockdown over the winter, I think everyone will be suffering from depression by January.

Enola Holmes - Millie Bobby Brown

 There are plenty of female-driven lefty films that are terrible.  Ghostbusters, Ocean's 8, The latest Terminator, but Enola Holmes is not one of them, and it's brilliant.  I loved the film, and that is due to the fact its an excellent, lighthearted, adventure, involving some good to great acting, especially from the main actor - Millie Bobby Brown.  She is an Oscar winner in waiting, and I hope she leaves Stranger Things which is not good now, where she is not allowed to show her acting skill.

In Enola Holmes, she plays a girl out of her time, and yes, it does try to show how women were subjugated back in the 19th century, but it doesn't ram it down your throat. She is a kindhearted, intelligent like Sherlock Holmes, and she is not a Mary Sue as some have tried to say, she gets beaten up by bigger, stronger men. Early in the film, we see her mother showing her how to fight, and learning about how life is and not the dainty school for ladies.

Yes, it's about female empowerment, but so what if the story is good, I don't have an issue with that as many men do.  It also does not make the mistake of making men look weak.  Sherlock Holmes is a more compassionate Holmes, but that works well, I liked Henry Cavill's take on the famous character.  Louis Partridge was also excellent and had great chemistry with MBB.  I was worried that when he first showed up, he was going to be a moron that had to be lead around by a woman, but no the film made him intelligent, brave, resourceful and also compassionate.

Compassion seemed to be a significant focus of the film apart from Mycroft Holmes, I was not as keen on Mycroft and not because of Sam Claflin's acting, he just was a twat, and not likeable in any way.

The story is straightforward; Mother trains Enola, then leaves her, Mycroft tries to tame her and send her to a School for Ladies (Fiona Shaw was good as always playing the headmistress).  Enola escapes dressed as a boy and Tewkesbury enters her life.  Enola initially wants to find her mother played by the excellent Helena Bonham Carter, who still looks great considering she is in her 50's. HBC is not in the film enough to show all her acting skills, and hopefully, when they make the next film, they give her a larger role. Enola then realises she needs to help Tewkesbury, before finding her mother and the adventure begins.

Francis de la Tour was great in her small but significant role, and she reminded me of the excellent Diana Rigg from Game of Thrones.

Overall, I cannot see why anyone would not enjoy this film, you can watch with your family, and everyone should enjoy it.  It has a low score on IMDb, but I imagine that is from the misogynists who don't like female empowerment films and Sherlock not being an entirely accurate version of Arthur Conan Doyle's Holmes.  But so what, I enjoyed watching this Holmes, Cavill is an actor who has improved every time he's doing a new project, and I'm looking forward to the second series of The Witcher.

However, it is Millie's film, she shines so brightly and is such a joy when she is on the screen.  Please leave Stranger Things they don't let to show your full array of talents.  Well done, Netflix, you've made a film I like, as most of your stuff is rubbish.  I saw, in the end credits, Milly was a producer of the film so well done for crafting such an excellent movie, you clearly have many talents.