Unable to See My Father Since March - COVID-19

 My father has Alzheimer's disease; he is living in a care home only 1 mile from where I live. Nevertheless, I have not been able to see him since March. He has an unusual form of dementia, where he has lost both short and long term memory. He lives for the day, the moment, and never remembers anything else. He is also very tactile, whenever, my mother or I went to see him, he would love a hug and want to hold our hand.  It was as if he might not remember who we are but something inside him, felt who we are. Every time we left him in the home, my mother would become so upset, she feels guilty that at 74 with back issues, she is unable to look after him.  I try to tell her he is in the best place.  I try to be pragmatic and say he seems happy, because of living in the moment. Telling her this did help, until Covid-19, changed the world. Since then, we have not been able to see him.

The care home gave us a decision in the summer, we could see him, but through a glass window, without letting him touch us in any way. He is not capable of remembering as it is now an automatic action to try and hug my mother. My father had the virus through the summer; he was fine apart from a lump on his leg.  They said, and please remember my father is in a good care home with an excellent reputation, that seeing my father through glass would cause emotional issues for both my parents and that it may confuse him and upset his daily schedule.  My mother reluctantly agreed to this, as she has diabetes and part of the high-risk group.

Until you have to experience a family member with Alzheimer's disease, you cannot understand how it affects the whole family.  It tears me apart, slowly seeing my dad lose his mind, losing day by day, a small part of his consciousness, the part that is him.  He is unable to speak now and can only make hand signals and smile.  I like to think he is happy inside, living the moment by moment experience, but who knows as he cannot tell me.

This thought torments me.

How long will it be before my mother can see her husband again?

My mother worries that either of them may die without seeing each other. 

Even though the world pretends to know about Covid-19, I do not think they do. Governments and scientists act as if they are in control of the situation; however, the evidence does not show this. It seems like they are trying to put the tail on a donkey while blindfolded, and the donkey will not keep still.

The world cannot continue like this. Humanity is already falling apart, and it makes no sense why governments continue their idiotic strategies.  The only reason that makes sense is they have no clue how to stop it, or what it is or what causes the various reactions to it.  My uncle also in a care home, my mother's brother, he had Covid-19 around the same time as my father. My uncle had recently recovered from cancer and pneumonia and yet only had a very mild case. He was feeling tired for a week, and that is it. How do both my father and my uncle survive with comorbidities?  My uncle still had cancer last November, and he had pneumonia in early 2020.

Just because the governments and scientists cannot figure out what is causing some unfortunate soles to die should not destroy the lives of everyone else. We do not stop the world every winter for flu or any of the other deadly diseases that cause massive death in humans.

The world now knows lockdowns do not work, so why continue? It is destroying small businesses, retail stores, bars, clubs, pubs, restaurants and social activity.

If this continues for much longer, it will change the world forever, if it has not done this already.

One last thing to add, how many cases of the flu, using covid style testing of everyone, do you think we would find?

We have never tested flu, yet it kills hundreds of thousands every winter.

The similarities and differences are something to ponder.

The Biggest Blockbuster of the Year - Trump v Biden

 The Biggest blockbuster of the year opening on Tuesday in the United States and Wednesday in Europe. The American General Election - TRUMP 2 - Biden v Trump Civil War.

Yes, it could be a Marvel movie spectacular, only instead of Captain America and Iron Man, we have The Dementia Liar, vs The Blonde Crazy Wild Man.

I know things are not much better in the UK, if at all, but how much lower can America go?  I remember when everyone in the UK, laughed when they elected an actor as President, one that deceived the US so much they voted him the Greatest American.  Oh, of all the genuinely great Americans, they voted for a going senile puppet.  Then there was Clinton, a devious sexual predator with ties to one of the worst paedophiles in American history and after Clinton was George W Bush, probably the dumbest President ever.  Bush led America through 911 and started a war in Iraq, and illegal war, where millions of people died, as well as thousands of American Troops. The war started to make plenty of money and avenge his father. His party was responsible for the 17 years fighting in Afghanistan, and the formation of ISIS, mainly due to destroying Iraq's infrastructure. Sanity resumed of was resumed in a 'Wizard of Oz' way, when Obama pretended to represent change when doing nothing to change the dominance of Wall Street, especially after the 2008 crash.

Is it not weird that there are so many terrible events as US presidents change.  Obama, went to Michigan, to the town of Flint and pretended to drink the most toxic water that has caused untold health issues for Americans. He did not represent the people; he represented his wealthy friends and the Republican Governor.

Unfortunately, the President to change America for the better was so bad, American's were so sick, they voted for Donald Trump, at reality TV host, instead of Medusa, otherwise known as Hillary Clinton.

American's after years of being fed bullshit, and never getting free healthcare like the rest of the western world, as well as disgraceful insurance companies and big pharma ripping off Americans for medical bills and medicines. Americans do not realise most western countries give between 4 and 8 weeks paid leave a year(vacations in the US) which lowest-paid do not receive. The biggest lie is the lie that taxation through income is terrible when without realising American's get taxed in many other ways, and low-income tax only helps the wealthy.  It does not help the poor at all, in fact, now I think about it, the biggest lie the establishment tells American's is that everyone has that chance to become successful, or rich, or powerful. 

The wealthy only help themselves or people who are like themselves; they do not give a shit about 75% of Americans, possibly more.

Nevertheless, the bullshit cycle continues when the Democrats had a chance to vote for someone who gave a shit about them. The DNC and Obama corraled the fakes candidates and allowed someone who should be in a care home to run as President of the most powerful country in the world.  

I know I seem to be picking on America here, but we are all affected by America and who they vote for in their general elections. I know it's the same in most countries; very few populations realise what harm they are doing when they vote for a particular candidate, and this is the reason 'Popular Part Politics' does not work.

I honestly thought it could not get any worse after W Bush, but he seems normal compared to this years election candidates.  We are all in the middle of a major crisis in Covid, does that make three major disasters near the beginning of new Presidents reign. It must be murder having to go to a voting station stand in a queue for hours while being abused by the other sides more extremist followers, only to look at the ballot and thinking...

Holy Fucking Shit!!!!

The Voice of the Unknown

Life is fading away from me,

I can see it in the distance, 

As it moves further and further,

Engulfed in a dark fog,

I try, oh I try,

Yet never get any closer,

It's always in vain,

I suffer extreme pain,

Both physical and mental,

Trapped in quicksand,

Perhaps I am damned,

Forever for all eternity,

I wish to end the misery,

But I know I can't,

And the can't makes it worse,

I'll not survive much longer,

Then my life my force will be gone,

I just don't know how to be strong,

Anymore!

What is a Sane American going to do on Election Day?

I have a lot of empathy for the 100 million Americans who do not want Trump or Biden. What a choice, it's like deciding whether to be 'burned at the stake', or 'hung drawn and quartered'. In the UK we had a similar situation, last year between indecisive  Corbyn or lazy good for nothing Johnson.

Everyone knows how bad Trump is; he is so bad that most of his crimes are now just forgotten or even excused. Biden also has plenty of skeletons in his closet and a junkie son who is paid by foreign governments (Russia and China have been mentioned in the news) just because he is Bidens, son.

The other major issue is their age, will they last another term?  We have seen how quickly hair goes from ordinary to grey, what happens when they are grey already?

The VP Candidates are not better in any way. Kamala Harris, seems like a cross between a female Damien the Antichrist, from The Final Conflict, as well as Claire Hale Underwood from House of Cards. Mike Pence acts like a zombie risen from the dead mixed with a closet religious fanatic who regularly whips his back for having to deal with Trump every day.

This election is an example of a desperate election, trying to elect a man with dementia who will likely die from the stress not long after being inaugurated because the guy the Democrats wanted most was a Democratic Socialist. We cannot have socialism seeping into American politics. Barak Obama forced all candidates to drop out in favour of a senile old man.  What does that say about Obama and his legacy?

Unfortunately, America needs Trump to win again, and perhaps then they can overhaul the whole election process, allow another party to join the Dems and Reps. Maybe the new party will be made up of the representatives who give a damn about the people, and give them what they need instead of what big business wants.

However, just like my Dallas Cowboys, being pragmatic, having sanity and common sense is a commodity that is too expensive for governments around the world.  What is it going to take to change them?

I know I have said WWW3 is not far away from going hot; nevertheless, it would be nice if for once that we did not need a war to change the way things work internationally.

Sorry, 100 million, I feel your pain, maybe next time, will they learn, nonetheless, as with Dallas I somehow doubt it.

Dallas Lose to Washington

Watching the Cowboys at the moment is like being shot in the gut, the pain never ends, as you bleed out. We are crap in every position apart from receiver and Aldon Smith. Dallas now has an OLine I think I could breakthrough. There is no point in discussing the game as it was terrible from the beginning to the end. I could only bear the game until half time, and that was it for me. 

Jerry says he is not going to sell anyone he's a buying owner.  Why? What is the point in wasting draft picks because we will overpay for them as other teams know our situation.  Rebuild Jerry, use all that football insight gained over 25 years of total control and don't waste draft picks on players that might be good be are likely not to make any difference. I saw an article mentioning Quinnen Williams as a possible trade, now perhaps a second for him would be a good deal, but the Jets won't trade for a second they will want more. The Jets were unlucky yesterday, and so was Cincinnati, I suppose if the Jets want first pick in the draft, they may trade him for a third because let's face it, Dallas seems odds for the first pick, which is a no brainer we get Lawrence.  One does not pass up generational talent.  Once we have Lawrence we have many opportunities, we can keep Dak to help Lawrence for a year.  However, Dallas needs to get rid of the expensive dead wood, Zeke has shown he is no Barry Sanders or Emmitt Smith.  He needs a great OL to perform at his best.  Trade him for a second to a team that needs a great running back.  Get rid of Tank, and unfortunately, we need to trade Amari Cooper as well. The amount, money saved, will hopefully get players with heart.  What has Zeke or Tank done since getting their big contract - nothing, or not what their massive salaries demand?  Pollard is a good enough running back. I have no clue about how American football works, but I am a pragmatist, I'm sure there are many out there that want to see Jerry trade for someone for too many drafts picks so we can finish 5-11.  Then we can make the playoffs and then God will say to Jerry - with this team I thee grant massive luck, and you will do something never done before in football history.  And then Jerry will wake up for his dream and have to face reality. The team is crap; the coaches are crap, the front office is crap, the Dallas Cowboys organisation the richest sports team in the world are so bad as to make bad too good for them.  If Jerry were just the owner and not the GM, he would have sacked all of them by now.

Stop thinking of yourself Jerry, and think of the millions of fans and billions of dollars Dallas makes for you, it will start to dry up as young kids will be Patriots fans and not Dallas fans.  Why would any kid want to support the present Cowboys team?

Mercedes dump Bottas for Russell?

Oh, if only that was true.  I should have added a please in there but who writes realistic headlines these days.  Now that it seems likely though not confirmed that Williams new owners would prefer cash over class.  George Russell might be without a drive next year.  One of the best up and coming drivers, perhaps the best with Verstappen and Leclerc will have to spend a year in the test seat.  I always believe in the best getting the best seats, keeping Bottas seems utterly crazy.  In a saner world, Bottas would not be driving for Mercedes; he would be with a mid-row team where his talent would be high.  He could shine against the likes of Perez, Albon, Norris, Sainz, and Vettel and the rest of them in mid-table hell. Then we could see a proper battle for the title between Lewis and George.  Lewis has his record for the number of wins and will equal Schumacher with seven world titles by the end of the season.  Hamilton destroyed Bottas by 25 seconds today, so what is the point of this continuing.  I love Lewis Hamilton as a driver, and I think he is a far better person than some give him credit, but Bottas seems to me to be like one of Schumacher's lackeys, there to come second and pick up the odd win. No disrespect to Bottas he is a good driver, and would probably dominate in slower cars. Still, surely Mercedes must realise having him there another season for him to be humiliated further which will happen is ludicrous.  Russell will perhaps take his time to adjust, but adjust he will, and he will give a least a battle to Hamilton and not just be some pathetic loser making excuses as Bottas does race in race out.

The only reason I can think that Merc would not change drivers is for ethical reasons because unlike others team like Williams, they will not get rid of a driver under contract.  Nevertheless, since Bottas signed his contract, he is regressing as Lewis humiliates him further.  Seeing Bottas' reaction after being handed a victory in Russia was pathetic.

For argument's sake, Merc decides they are going to honour their 2021 contract with Bottas and Williams do not honour theirs with Russell.  What does Russell do then?  What should happen is the new Aston Martin team with Mercedes engines should remove their useless nepotistic driver Stoll and put Russell there.  Stroll is an embarrassment; first, he has kept his position over the more talented Perez, then he causes accidents and makes stupid mistakes nearly every weekend.  His father must love him and love wasting hundreds of millions on him because Lance Stroll does not deserve his seat in Formula 1.  Neither does his compatriot Latifi another multimillionaire driver, when are the F1 owner's Liberty Media going to grow some balls and stop this from happening.  How many great drivers never get a chance in F1? Many due to a wealthy asshole paying for the lesser driver to be there instead?  Latifi has never out-qualified Russell.  Stroll has a terrible qualifying record in F1, and he has been responsible for Ocon losing his seat and having to sit out a year. (which has not helped Ocon one bit).  Now he is responsible for Perez losing his seat, it's disgraceful.  Is he going to be there to be a Bottas for Vettel next season? Vettel won't allow Stroll to have preferential treatment as has happened at Ferrari with Leclerc? What happens to Stroll when daddy gets bored and does not want to support his son's lacklustre career.  I know I sound harsh, I am sure Latifi and Stroll and perfectly lovely people, but they are not F1 drivers, and I think it is a poor show that they take the places of better drivers. Ocon has not been the same since he had to leave for a year as a test driver, what will this do to Russell.  How do drivers like Stroll and Latifi live with themselves, I could not stay doing a job I knew I only had because my father was the wealthy owner, but that is how the wealthy work, they don't care about the little guy.

If Lawrence Stroll were a decent human, he would make his son have a face-off with Russell, and the best driver gets the Aston Martin seat for next year, and Stroll would have his seat back for 2022.

I will end by saying it will be a travesty if Russell has to miss a season of F1.  Mainly due to Mercedes being too ethical to replace Bottas, but not ethical enough for Williams to keep Russell, and for lesser drivers getting drives with Mercedes engines. Non-Mercedes engine cars not even having a chance to give Russell a seat mainly because they would want a longer than one year deal.

It all stinks.

30 million COVID Tests in UK - erm how many?

I am interested in the COVID or CCP virus, and how it is affecting the world, it was the tragic loss of life in the beginning and now the tragic loss of intelligence of the major western governments.  Occasionally I look at Worldometer's Coronavirus Update, and to my surprise it states that the UK has tested 30 million people for the virus.  Thirty million seems ridiculously high. Unless they include counting the same person several times, as they have done to the elderly in Care Homes. (I know they do this because they have tested my father many times and he is in a Care Home with Alzheimer's Disease).

If one looks at the numbers, it shows how absurd the lockdowns are and that they are destroying lives far quicker the COVID.

If Worldometer's figures are correct, we have a population of 67 million, and they have tested 30 million UK citizens.  Seven hundred ninety thousand have caught the virus, and 44 thousand have died. I know personally two people who have had the test and had the virus, my father and my uncle.  My mother knows a few more because her friends are all in their seventies. If they have done 30 million tests, I would expect to know more people who have had the test and more people who have caught the virus.

Nevertheless, personally I do not know any more CCP virus victims.  Does that not seem strange? Thirty million is nearly half the population of the UK. I should know more people who have contracted the virus.  I live in the North East of England a supposed hotbed of virus cases, and yet I never see any signs of how bad it is apart from people wearing masks.

The nodding heads in charge of our government does not have an ounce of common sense between them. They are rich idiots with a desire for power, and we are paying for this every day we continue lockdowns and the bullshit about how many tests they have completed. The problem with testing is it only shows what a person is like now to 28 days in the past. It does not indicate if they have already had the virus or how many tests you have had before.  What is the point of the testing if the information gained is or seems useless?  A better test would be one that shows if a person has caught the virus before as well as if they have it now.  However, 30 million tests clearly show that over 29 million of them were negative.

Create a New Political Party Now! Before our Country is Destroyed

The UK is in crisis.  We have a PM who only thinks of his wealthy friends and people of the south.  It is no surprise that the worst affected places for COVID are the North of England, Wales, and Scotland.  Boris Johnson and his cronies do not care about the North. He is trying to destroy the country because he is useless and unable to cope with the massive responsibility of keeping us all safe. He is a bumbling fool who might have seemed OK if the country was not in the throes of a pandemic. Unfortunately, we are in that situation, and the lazy liar is not competent enough to run the country.  In saner times, there would be a vote of no confidence, but the left has no backbone now. Labour is a joke and not a genuine opposition party.

I have said before Popular Party Politics is not a quality way to run the country because someone may have a good personality or be popular because he/she can make great speeches or is good at lying.  Nevertheless, they are people who generally crave power and desire it above all else.

The PM lied about Brexit and is sending us into a no-deal Brexit while we are in the middle of a pandemic, which seems like insanity. He is serially unfaithful to nearly all of his partners, including the one he is with now.  He has many children from different women, which he does not acknowledge.  In his past jobs, his colleagues state Johnson is a lazy liar, from his newspaper days.  He switched sides to gain a political advantage showing he does not care whether Brexit is good or bad, but it helped the fool become PM.

We are in a dire situation in this country, and it could get much worse after January if we have a no-deal Brexit. We need to change the way parliament elects its ministers.  I think they need to take an exam before being allowed to run and have a certificate declaring they can be a minister and an even more difficult test for each department.

One has to pass exams in most jobs these days to ensure you are competent to perform the tasks. Why is it not the case for ministers?

We have to pass a test to drive a car.  Doctors have to go to medical school to be a doctor or surgeon or any other type of medical position. Even nurses have to pass exams, and I don't mean to denigrate nursing. I think nursing is one of the most demanding jobs with the least amount of credit.  

The point I am making is anyone who can afford it can run to be a minister, and if they sound genuine (even if they are not), they have a chance to be voted into parliament.  Some seats in the country are guarantees for Conservatives and Labour, which is preposterous.

Does anyone believe Boris Johnson could pass such a test, with his degree in literature?

A new party is needed and with an exam to see if the person is competent to be elected.  Ensure the exam is known to the public and that anyone can try to see if they would make a good minister.  If the people know the new party has only competent delegates and no rich morons or power-hungry sociopaths, it will catch on.  I would vote for someone who showed a degree of common-sense regarding being a minister.  And I hope the rest of the public would want to vote for them as well.

Dallas would be crazy to win NFC Least

 I'm from the UK, and so I am not as fanatical about American football as Americans are. I love the Dallas Cowboys, but I am also a pragmatist.  The Cowboys are dreadful they now have a crap offence to go with their crap defence.  They are winning the division with a losing record and every team in the NFC West has a better record than Dallas.

They have to try not to win the division because they are not going to beat any team outside the NFC East. Nevertheless, now with the crap offence, a second rate offensive line. They will lose to the Giants at their stadium and lose to the Eagles as well. Imagine this, horrifying situation Dallas with five wins tops the division, when if all things were equal they would have in the first ten places in the draft, perhaps even higher.  Dallas has no hope beating any team in the playoffs, and they will also be a laughing stock for winning with such a dismal record.  Imagine that record worse ever wins to get to the playoffs.

I do not think it will happen, I do not believe they will beat the Eagles in either game, and they will lose the Giants in New York.  I'm not sure about Washington. I have not seen them play this season.

The thing I do not understand is the pundits on ESPN and Fox Sports, and the rest of them, they all said it's easy for Dallas to win the division and then anything can happen.  Yes, they are right, anything can happen, but if you were a betting man, you would not put your house on Dallas winning any game in the playoffs. Without a first-team OL, using a backup QB, a defence that runs around like headless chickens and Zeke, fumbling every week, and seeming as if he has lost his confidence. The only thing positive on the Dallas team are the receivers.  

What does Jerry do?  It's his shit show, hiring the wrong head coach, demanding to be involved in the decisions at the team level and instead of sitting in his box every weekend watching the game.  Ever since Jerry decided he wanted to be the main man and that he could do what Jimmy Johnson did, Dallas has seen a steady decline.

At least I can now see the value in Dak because Dalton was crap.  Jerry needs to get his head out of his ass, and not panic trade for players that are not going to help improve. We are not going to turn into Seattle or Kansas suddenly. He has to make sure we do not finish top of the division because all of our rivals will get top quality players in the draft and we will be near the bottom even after only winning five games.

We have to be pragmatic. This season is over. We need to take a leaf out of the Jets book and continue to lose so we can rebuild for next year.  By the draft we will know if Dak is going to be the same player if he signs him on the bloody contract, he has now proven his worth to the team.  If he is not going to be the same, hopefully, we will be high enough to grab one of the premier QB's from next years draft.  I know this is not going to go down well, but I think we need to trade Zeke, he costs Dallas a fortune and his output is dire. Tank as well, is a waste of money, get some draft picks for them, so we can adequately rebuild.  And last but certainly not least sack McCarthy and Nolan and Moore and bring in someone with a degree of ingenuity, which would mean Jerry keeping his nose out of day to day running.

Unfortunately knowing Dallas and Jerry, he will make a stupid, desperate, trade and he will try to win the division.  He won't sack McCarthy, he will not trade Zeke or Tank, and we will be crap next year as well.

A War with China Seems Inevitable

 I hope I am wrong, but the way the world is heading war with China seems inevitable. I am not going to state the reasons why, as they are obvious to anyone who is paying attention to world affairs. 

However, I am going to pick a significant reason, sanctions against China and it's lack of understanding of how to make next-generation microchips.

China is unable to make microchips used in today's technology. China is at the very least ten years behind, mainly because stealing other countries ideas or patents and blatantly trying to copy them, does not make their ingenuity evolve. 

They have to steal ideas continually to keep up and now the other countries of the world of sick of it.  Banning the sale of next-gen microchips will hit China hard, and they do not have the intellectual property to create microchips, themselves.

Two countries near China, have this ability, Taiwan, and Japan.  When their current stockpile of microchips run out and let's be clear, the countries making chips will have in all likelihood advance further in the technology.  What does China do, they will invade Taiwan.

What happens after the invasion will decide the future of the world for years to come.  Due to how Europe handled Hitler and their willingness to appease in the hope Hitler would not start a war failed considerably, and 50-100 million people lost their lives.

I believe this is the fate we find now with China.

China has the misguided idea that it is now the most powerful country in the world, and perhaps a year ago, this might have been true.  Nevertheless, their game of obfuscation and their attempt to inveigle the western powers by giving them piles of cash.  The plan was working until COVID-19, and then the world started to wake up to China's true intentions.  They do many things that are similar to the Nazi's.  Both China and the Nazi's want /wanted, other countries land, claiming it is theirs by right.  They both subjugate specific minority races or creeds as well as control their population with fear and intimidation. Only now it is a much easier task with information technology.

Most countries are concentrating on their problems, needless lockdowns to control the population, violence increasing on the streets, in some parts of America and Europe.  What will the western powers as well as the new Eastern powers, do to stop a war with China, and what will they do if or when China invades Taiwan?

China is picking a fight with every nation that surrounds them that to normal libertarian people, this seems preposterous. Why exacerbate and create tension with India over borders in the Himalayas? Why pick a fight with Russia over Vladivostok?  Both are nuclear powers, and both have massive armies as well as tech that is better than Chinese tech, especially when it comes to weapons.  All the countries surrounding China know war is coming, Taiwan is getting US weapons, Japan has for the first time since the second world war started building war machines for land and sea.  South Korea is also now a builder of war machines, weapons and technology.  South Korea and Japan are two of the most technologically innovative countries in the world.  What is Xi Jinping's goal?  What does he think he is going to gain from all this aggression? I'm not a megalomaniac, sociopathic leader who thinks he is better than everyone else, so I do not understand his motives.  However, if we look at Hitler or Stalin's motives, we might get clues.  Hitler was a racist, and he lived with denial about why Germany lost the First World War for most of his life.  He believed Germans or Aryans, and their closest racial types Anglo-Saxon's were superior to everyone else. Hitler convinced himself, the Jews were responsible for everything terrible that was happening to his country.  Stalin was a different type of tyrant; he was paranoid, sceptical and devious.  In my opinion, Stalin was worse than Hitler; however, both are the two worse leaders in the last 200 years.  Stalin knew he had to hold off Hitler for as long as possible to build up his forces, but years before he had murdered most of the upper ranks of his army.  The purge murdered millions of Russians, and some say up to 25 million people died, and many more sent to gulags.

The two leaders were responsible for between 80 and 100 million deaths.

Which type of megalomaniac sociopath is Xi Jinping, presently he seems a mixture of both, which is alarming to think of in today's climate. He is paranoid about losing power like Stalin, and he is responsible for concentration camps like Hitler, and gulags (Russian meaning for forced labour camps) like Stalin.  He coverts other countries possessions and land, like both Stalin and Hitler. I suppose now I think about it, they are all alike, but the weapons of today are vastly more dangerous than in 1939.

Another factor to think about is the Chinese people, and I feel considerable empathy for anyone living under an oppressive regime. It is appalling in this day that anyone in the world has to live like that.

I hope China will see their fight is futile and change their ways; nonetheless, I do not believe this will happen.

We are a fickle species, and we never learn from our past we always end up making the same mistakes over and over again.

Depression - A Poem

 How does one take the blues away?

Suicidal thoughts won’t disappear,

Fear and guilt they do build-up,

Getting ever worse, and worse.

I sometimes wish I had no emotions,

At least negative ones would help,

It feels that my positive ones are nearly empty,

While the negative is overflowing.

There are different versions of depression,

The one I feel now is deepest regret,

It flows through me like a poisonous river,

Bursting its banks and flooding everywhere.

I hope that the river does eventually dry up,

I want it totally disappear,

But deep down inside me, I know it’s never-ending,

My mind knows it will be here forever.

Is There Life After Death?

 Life after death is one of the main questions religious people think about as their various religions showcase their version of heaven.

I am not going to talk about the various versions and whether I think they are true or not.  I'm going to talk about what I think happens when you die and the fact I can think of such an idea is very thrilling to me.

I wrote years ago that Dark Energy could be where our conscious energy transfers to when the physical body dies, which seemed plausible.

What I surmised was that if the secret of the universe is to transfer energy into different states, like potential energy changing to kinetic energy. Energy has transferred from one state to another. I then thought of Newton's Laws of Thermodynamics. Now I am not a scientist, so I am not going to start trying to explain something very complex. I will look a fool.

The Second Law of Thermodynamics talks about entropy and for example, the energy in the form of heat dispersing from a cup of coffee.  Simply put, entropy is the disorganisation of energy like a cup falling off a table and smashing on the floor.

Now my mind might not be scientific, but it can see patterns and connections as many people's minds do.  I use entropy in the brain at the physical level. Energy is flowing through the brain, making connections that make the brain create intelligence, memory, imagination and the synaptic nerves are like electronic pathways to connect information.  If you have ever seen a map of the universe, the cosmic web, it will remind you of the patterns in a brain.  On Earth genius minds who created the internet have made a human-made version of an Earth-sized brain. It may not look the same, but it has the same process using energy to make connections.

I feel that transferring energy from one state to another, making connections, creating a Googleplex of different creations, ideas, universes, you name it.

So the question - is there life after death boils down to what happens to the brains energy once it has made this connection and is there a way of saving the conscious.  Perhaps through entropy. 

This thought process brings me to Dark Energy and what it is and what it might be.  Perhaps its an incorrect name and it's not energy at all, it something we are not at this time intelligent enough to understand (which is the most likely reason).  However, it could be energy, and the fact it is expanding is due to the transference using the entropy of energy from one type to another.  It also could be the excess energy from matter is syphoned off from the planet and turns into dark energy.  The excess energy could mean that a form of life exists in the dark energy, and it comes from every part of the matter in the universe.

An example will be if you look at a person through thermal goggles, you can see the energy leaving the body in the form of heat.  Perhaps if you looked at the body through a different energy spectrum, we could see brain energy leaving the body and transferring to dark energy.  I do not know what it could be.  Perhaps the energy mixes into different multi-universes within the dark energy, and the reason it is expanding is because energy is slowly, very slowly, from our perspective, changing matter into energy.  The change through entropy causes dark energy to expand the universe, and the reason it is so fast as we look through our telescopes is that we see every universe and there could be an infinite amount doing the same thing.

What does this have to do with life after death?  Well, unfortunately, I do not think you will live another life with the memories of this life as they will dissipate throughout different universes.  Nevertheless, that does not mean you will not experience other lives with the same personality, and perhaps small things from your life will stay together. If you think of your present life, you only remember a tiny amount of the information you have received throughout your lifetime.  Nonetheless, at any time information can be recognised and used, in a similar way to me remembering this information I had forgotten or not understood for many years since I wrote it: childhood memories and flashback of events that are clear as day.

Therefore life after death might be possible, but it will be as you are living this life with no knowledge of your past. In my opinion, it does not matter whether you want to remember your life or not, and you should be careful what you wish for, your next life might be worse than the present one.

Dallas are Totally Fkd Now!

 I found last nights game quite enjoyable in a weird way.  I thought the Giants played well last night (I'm in the UK), and so did Dallas at times.  However, just beating a team like the Giants by a field goal, and now losing Dak ( I bet they are pleased they did not sign that massive contract now), is a recipe for disaster.  I do not want to sound disparaging about Dak; it was a horrible injury that you would wish on no one, and I hope he gets well soon.  However, we only just beat the worst defence in the league, and you can see the issues both teams have too many injuries, bad players, and lots of mistakes.  I think Dalton did ok when he replaced Dak; nevertheless, Dak had to break passing records and still lose, how is Dalton even going to have a chance. Our defence was still awful at times, even against the worst offence in the league. I now do not think we will beat the Eagles anymore and I think we may struggle to beat the Giants at their stadium.  I've seen ESPN, and other YouTube pundits and they all believe Dallas will win the division.  Maybe it's my cynical soul, but what is the point of winning a division 5-11.  What chance will we have in the playoffs, no chance?  If we win with a record like that, do we finish above the teams who won 6 or 7 or 8 games?  I don't know for sure, but I doubt it.  I know we are not going to get Lawrence now, as the Jets are so crap that they are getting him, but the higher we are in the draft we might get a great DE, Safety, or Cornerback.  I was reading on ESPN that we should franchise Dak next year, are they crazy when they have no idea how he is going to be when the time comes around.

Looking at the rest of the team, the highly paid players looked better in this game, but it was against the Giants who have a record of 0-5.  Will they do as well against the Steelers?  Zeke still did not run for over 100 yards, against the worst offensive team in the league, yes he scored two touchdowns, but he's paid the megabucks to run over 100 yards in most games.

Overall, the future does not look good for Dallas.  Let's have a reality check, the season is over and winning this division will be terrible in the long term. We have one of the worst defences in the league, and our offence is not much better now that Dak is out for the season. We have only one first-class OL player, and three great receivers, especially CeeDee Lamb, two good running backs trapped behind the dreadful OL, a new QB who is likely to be good, but he's not going to throw 450 yards every game. Even if we played the best we could, and I hope we do, we are not going to win many games with the team and the coaching we presently have.  We have to look to next year and try and get the best player we can in the draft.

It's Terrible Never Feeling Happy, or, Fulfilled. However, Music Helps!

 I remember a time; now I think about it, many times when I felt very happy. I would be creative, imaginative and feel an incredible buzz surge through my body for no reason. It was like a superpower.  At the time, I did not know I was bipolar, and I did not realise that all this happiness came at a price.  For every wonderful feeling of sheer bliss, there was an unequal feeling of misery, depression, endless sadness and pain.  For one moment of happiness, there were ten moments of depression.

It seems now, as I reach my fiftieth year that happiness is running on empty and I have none left,  I cannot remember the last time I felt happy.  Life seems so pointless.  I could survive the depression when I was younger because I could exercise the pain away.  Being competitive though difficult when one is depressed can sometimes pull you back from the brink.  Exercise releases endorphins, which is the bodies natural happiness maker.  Over course, as with depression and happiness, exercise has its price and its called, wear and tear, which causes arthritis.

Arthritis leads to pain, and the pain stops you exercising and as you get older and heavier, the pain increases, and you want it to stop, but it feels impossible at times.

I want to make it known I do not feel sorry for myself, no fucking way.  I want rid of the pain, the physical pain, which is with me every second of every day.  Life is meaningless if one cannot enjoy being alive. I can't even stand for ten fucking minutes without my knees locking and the pain slowly increasing.

I get depressed when I am overweight. Fuck me, now I think about it everything depresses me these days.  The COVID pandemic that seems to be created to kill the old and bankrupt the poor.  The only people making any money off the bloody virus are the millionaires and even more so the billionaires. I have written about that bloody virus before; therefore, I'm not going to dwell on it now.  However, imagine this. The billionaires from all over the world decide the world is getting too crowded, we are destroying the planet with our consumerism (which most of then fucking created), and overcrowding.  Turning our beautiful planet, the one perfect for humans, into a garbage dump.  Now they are sitting with their big fat cigars and their hoodies if they are from Silicon Valley, and they think, "How can we change this?"  

One of the greedy bastards gets up and says, "I know, let's pay some mad scientist millions of dollars to create a virus that kills old people, but hardly anyone else."

"But most of us are old," says another.

"Yes, he replies, "but we are wealthy."

Everyone laughs.  

Then another pompous asshole gets up and says, "Can we get rid of the poor as well?"

"Um, we need the poor to buy all our crap."

Then one of the newer billionaire pricks says, "What if we make it seem worse than it is and bankrupt everyone but us.  We can get our government friends to give us a bailout and we'll make a killing."

Yes, this it is all fictional, but it certainly feels that way these days.  The wealthy are destroying our world.  They are so greedy it's disgusting.

Anyway enough of the COVID bollocks.

Writing is me trying to fight back, not against society, or even the pain in my knees.  I'm just fighting back the lack of happiness, I hope, and it is the slimmest of hopes that it will help me become creative again.  When I did write and paint, it was never great, when I was doing a Masters in Creative Writing, the dickhead professor thought it was ok to insult his pupils, now perhaps he can get away insulting a twentysomething. Still, it made me feel like shit, and it made me realise I was never going to be a writer.  Now I have seen many TV shows and films where the teacher deliberately belittles their student because they claim that is how they get the best out of them.  I do not think life works like that for the vast majority of us typical none genius types.  What if instead of belittling and insulting me, he had encouraged me to do a better job, to work harder to point out my strengths as well as weaknesses. Is it just me, or isn't that how it should be.  I never felt the same about writing after that.

I am a fucked up soul, and now, I do not believe people when they say I have done well. I don't believe them.

As always, I have digressed from my main subject of this post - never feeling happy or fulfilled.

Big sigh...

I'm listening to ambient music as I type away.  Songs from my younger days, at the moment its Morcheeba.  Music always brings back memories. Most of the time, they are good and sometimes sad.  The song Hurt sung by Johnny Cash, I know he did not write the song, but that song makes me sad in a happy way if that makes sense.  You feel the pain he feels as he sings, in the video, his wife stands behind him, and it brings a tear to my eye.  When I hear Perfect Day by Lou Reed, I immediately remember Trainspotting when Renton takes the overdose.  Fucking hell, no wonder I feel depressed the two songs I thought of one is about taking heroin, and the other is playing while the main character is taking heroin.  Now I will say I have tried many drugs in my life but never heroin.  Unless you count the time, I had to wear a metal frame held together with metal bars drilled into my bones.  In the vain hope, it would stretch my knee, and allow the surgeon to inject collagen and growth hormone, to rebuild my cartilage.  They gave me Oxycontin to ease the pain, but it didn't seem to do anything at least not in a bad way. I didn't get a high or anything from it.

They have just played AIR 'All I need', I loved the album Moon Safari, every song is excellent, and now they are playing 'Intro' by The X, another fantastic creation.  Now I have an urge to listen to Grandaddy's Sophtware Slump, which is one of my favourite albums ever written.  My favourite song is; 'Jed's Other Poem', followed by, 'He's simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot'. Oh, I also love 'So You'll Aim Toward the Sky'. The piano at the end of Jed's Other Poem, is so beautiful, I could listen to just that over and over again.

I know some people love owning albums or CD's or whatever it is you want to own, I prefer just asking Alexa.

It took a long time to start writing again, and I know no one reads apart from my mother and or some Autobot in Russia or the US.  Nevertheless, that is not the point. The point is to help me feel better to help me understand myself and if by the end of whatever I write, I think it is worth publishing, I will, but not always.  I may not be a great writer. However, I can understand and see total crap; it is unbelievable how many poorly written column inches I see online by journalists these days. Nonetheless, I cheat and use Grammarly as my editor.

My brain is starting to feel tired, and so I will leave it there, goodnight - me!

3 and a half hours for an Ambulance to arrive after having to travel thirty miles

 

I’ll really upset today,

My mother was rushed away,

Pain in her hip and groin

Screaming in pain and agony

Paramedics arrived late

3.5 hours after the call

I did not know what to think

I did not want to drop the ball.

 

Bloody COVID caused the delay

The ambulance did travel 30 miles,

No paramedics in Gateshead,

Why is it we always get shafted?

Why is it we are always delayed,

Perhaps it's because of lack of funds,

The rich don’t care about the NHS.

 

I had to tell a little white lie,

The screaming and the puking

Was hard to bear,

I’ve never ever seen her like this,

My saint of a mother so kind and generous,

I feel guilt - was it my fault what could I have done different,

 

This COVID obsession has to stop,

Why should they be a priority over others?

It’s just another illness like the flu,

It can be bad but for the very few,

Lockdowns are killing the northeast.

 

 

I don’t want to think the worst,

The ambulance sat outside,

For an age,

I’m really scared,

 

She may die,

Perhaps if the ‘bus’ had arrived earlier,

They could have checked earlier.

 

I feel pretty numb and distant,

It’s feeling like time for resistance.

 

Enough is enough now, it’s time to end the bullshit.

Oh them Dallas Cowboys - Total Shit

 Watching the game on Sunday, the defence was like seeing a bunch of headless chickens running around with no purpose other than dying.

What a total shitshow, nevertheless in the first quarter the offence looked very good, Dak looked good, CeeDee Lamb was excellent, but Zeke was crap.  The O-line is an old crumbling wall where the cement has eroded, and it's falling apart.

Then the second quarter started, and Dallas was back to being crap offensively and defence.  They conceded 31 points in the first half alone making mistake after mistake. It was pathetic, according to Colin Cowherd we had five first downs in the second and third quarters and Cleveland without their primary running back, still managed to put up over 300 yards rushing.  It was embarrassing to see how shit we have become.

Now could this be a cunning ploy to get some high draft picks, because this season is over the next 12 games I predict we can potentially lose every game or win at the most four games?  We are not going to beat: the Steelers, Vikings, Ravens, Bengals, and 49ers.  The other games depend on our shit league which everyone is calling the NFC least haha!

Even though the Giants are not very good, they always seem to beat Dallas apart from recent seasons. However, I remember crap Giants teams beating great or good Cowboys teams, like the playoffs when they beat the Patriots by luck in the superbowl.  They have Saquon Barkley who is excellent, but he is out for the season, perhaps if they had him, they would beat us.  So we should win that game, Washington should be a win, but you never know when all the teams are playing each in the NFCLeast are so crap, we are crap enough to lose to Washington but we also could win.  The Eagles I think we will lose to them, even though they have a third-string football team they beat the 49ers because they have Carson Wentz. Fine, I will be more optimistic and say we might win a game against the Eagles.

However what about the Cowboys, first off the QB Dak Prescott, Dak is going to want north of 40 million a year which is ridiculous for his level of play.  Yes, he's throwing lots of yards, but most of them are when Dallas is miles behind, and the other team takes their foot off the gas.  Being honest it was blind luck that we recovered the onside kick against the Falcons.  We have come back against the Browns, but Dak fucked up. He never makes that last play to take the lead; he either makes a wrong decision or throws an interception. Hopefully, someone will be foolish enough to see his massive yards thrown and give us two 1st round picks for him.  Next is Zeke Elliot, who seems to have lost his mojo now the o-line is rubbish, perhaps we should trade him away for more picks. On defence, we have DeMarcus Lawrence and Jaylon Smith both on massive contracts and playing well below their best.  Trade them as well.  The only outfit I would keep are the wide receivers. Oh plus Tyrone Smith and  Zak Martin.  I probably would also keep Dalton Schultz , Aldo Smith (our best player who has not played for 4 years) and Leighton Vander Esch, who is not on the roster anymore, what has happened to him as I could not find anything.  Finally, with more searching, turns out he still has not recovered from his collarbone injury.

Yes, it means we are doing what Miami has been trying for the last couple of years but if we ended up with QB, DE, Saftey, Cornerback it would be worth it.  I know people say its a lottery who you get, however, they are calling Lawrence a once in a generation player, is that worth the risk of replacing Dak with Lawrence, as Dak could not hit a barn door sometimes especially when he needs to step up.  It's not great play to only beat crap teams and miss last play touchdowns.  Twice we have fucked that up against Cleveland and Seattle, and not sure if we had the final play against the Rams.

The problem, unfortunately, is Jerry Jones, he's a billionaire who wants to pretend he knows about football as if anyone could be an NFL coach.  Hiring Mike McCarthy was a poor choice, just another yes man to control. Then there is the worst Defensive Coordinator in the league Mike Nolan who Dallas should sack immediately.  What happened to Kris Richard, why was he not given a chance.

I know this sounds defeatist, but I want Dallas to lose every game this season to get some great draft picks, its worked for Cleveland.  It worked for Dallas when Jimmy Johnson was in control.  He was the last time we had a great coach. Yes, I know Parcels was a great coach but not as much when he landed at Dallas. Jerry Jones is the reason we have been crap for 25 years because he wants yes men as Head Coaches to do what he wants as if he's the Head coach. Jerry, you have no idea what to do, and if you were head coach, teams would have sacked him multiple times.  You claim to be a great negotiator, but players know you are not and you give them ridiculous salaries which increase up the cap.  If you had signed Dak for a contract ages ago for £33 million, I bet he would have been happy, but now Deshawn Watson has a £43 million contract, and Patrick Mahomes has a fantastic contract.

Nevertheless, Dak is not near to their quality, but he will be expecting a contract north of £40 million now.  All our players on top contracts are because you are a lousy negotiator and tend to like the wrong kind of player.  It not hard to see that as soon as these players get their massive contract, the level of play decreases.  All of them are not as good as their enormous contract, and yet Dak wants a colossal contract.

Things need to change. Otherwise, we can expect this shit until Jerry dies.

Taking Trazadone for Depression and Anxiety - will it work?

 My psychiatrist recently suggested taking Trazadone to help with my anxiety and depression.  After taking the first pill, I did not find it allowed me to sleep, but the next day I woke up feeling terrible.  I suffered what felt like a migraine and flu-like symptoms across my whole body. Tuesday, unfortunately, was the day the insensitive insurance bloke called, and I suffered a total mental breakdown. Wednesday was the same, and it also contributed to severe constipation which I have never suffered with before. By Friday, the pains in my body were reducing, and the headaches were less severe. Saturday, the headaches were gone; however, one side effect was still there that was not so noticeable.  I was feeling tense and agitated, and everything seemed to be making me feel angry and distrustful. After the call from the insurance bloke.  My mind started to overthink, especially about my employer. Being suspicious is what happens to me now as I feel I have to follow my intuition as too many times in the past; my intuition was correct. 

The problem I find with my mental health is I have suffered many bad experiences in my life, and it has made me paranoid at times.  My head says my employer is a good company and only have my best interests at heart.  However, my intuition thinks something is not quite right about the situation I find myself in. I should have had a call from the occupational therapist who said she was a doctor.  I started to think am I delusional, do I imagine situations that are not true. I feel confident she told me she would call within 4-6 weeks and now it is nine weeks.  She said I would get a more straightforward job, so I did not feel suicidal.  I was encouraged by how she talked to me, she gave me some of my confidence back, and I assumed I would be back to work by October.

I did not get back to work because she never called me, and so I started to overthink why she had not called. I presume it is because we are in the middle of a pandemic and they don't have any jobs to give me.  Nevertheless, my thoughts were less rational and more irrational.  I started to spiral downhill quickly to the point of taking the overdose to feel some happiness. As well as the mental illness, I also had serve pain in my knees, which was bringing me down as I tried to walk and could not walk for very long without extreme pain. Anxiety, depression and severe pain in the knees together were making me feel worse.

Luckily from this very depressing situation, I have several appoints with doctors about all my many ailments.  I have an appointment every day next week and some the week after, which hopefully will start to make me feel better.  But what about my employer?  They are unable to sack me as I have asked them several times to let me go, to ease the stress my situation was causing. The occupational therapist mentioned that the disability act covers me and helps me to find a less stressful job with my employer, but that is very difficult due to COVID. 

I hope my meds start to work on the depression soon, as it has reduced anxiety a little bit. I am in the worst position presently that the future is unknown, and that increases my overthinking and accentuates my anxiety tenfold.

Fingers crossed things start to improve soon, however, with COVID increasing where I live and possible full-scale lockdown over the winter, I think everyone will be suffering from depression by January.

Enola Holmes - Millie Bobby Brown

 There are plenty of female-driven lefty films that are terrible.  Ghostbusters, Ocean's 8, The latest Terminator, but Enola Holmes is not one of them, and it's brilliant.  I loved the film, and that is due to the fact its an excellent, lighthearted, adventure, involving some good to great acting, especially from the main actor - Millie Bobby Brown.  She is an Oscar winner in waiting, and I hope she leaves Stranger Things which is not good now, where she is not allowed to show her acting skill.

In Enola Holmes, she plays a girl out of her time, and yes, it does try to show how women were subjugated back in the 19th century, but it doesn't ram it down your throat. She is a kindhearted, intelligent like Sherlock Holmes, and she is not a Mary Sue as some have tried to say, she gets beaten up by bigger, stronger men. Early in the film, we see her mother showing her how to fight, and learning about how life is and not the dainty school for ladies.

Yes, it's about female empowerment, but so what if the story is good, I don't have an issue with that as many men do.  It also does not make the mistake of making men look weak.  Sherlock Holmes is a more compassionate Holmes, but that works well, I liked Henry Cavill's take on the famous character.  Louis Partridge was also excellent and had great chemistry with MBB.  I was worried that when he first showed up, he was going to be a moron that had to be lead around by a woman, but no the film made him intelligent, brave, resourceful and also compassionate.

Compassion seemed to be a significant focus of the film apart from Mycroft Holmes, I was not as keen on Mycroft and not because of Sam Claflin's acting, he just was a twat, and not likeable in any way.

The story is straightforward; Mother trains Enola, then leaves her, Mycroft tries to tame her and send her to a School for Ladies (Fiona Shaw was good as always playing the headmistress).  Enola escapes dressed as a boy and Tewkesbury enters her life.  Enola initially wants to find her mother played by the excellent Helena Bonham Carter, who still looks great considering she is in her 50's. HBC is not in the film enough to show all her acting skills, and hopefully, when they make the next film, they give her a larger role. Enola then realises she needs to help Tewkesbury, before finding her mother and the adventure begins.

Francis de la Tour was great in her small but significant role, and she reminded me of the excellent Diana Rigg from Game of Thrones.

Overall, I cannot see why anyone would not enjoy this film, you can watch with your family, and everyone should enjoy it.  It has a low score on IMDb, but I imagine that is from the misogynists who don't like female empowerment films and Sherlock not being an entirely accurate version of Arthur Conan Doyle's Holmes.  But so what, I enjoyed watching this Holmes, Cavill is an actor who has improved every time he's doing a new project, and I'm looking forward to the second series of The Witcher.

However, it is Millie's film, she shines so brightly and is such a joy when she is on the screen.  Please leave Stranger Things they don't let to show your full array of talents.  Well done, Netflix, you've made a film I like, as most of your stuff is rubbish.  I saw, in the end credits, Milly was a producer of the film so well done for crafting such an excellent movie, you clearly have many talents. 

Insurance Company, Slanders my Integrity and Work Ethic, and Refuses my Claim.

 I have felt quite good in recent days, trying to be optimistic after last weeks episode, my psychiatrist prescribed Trazadone to help with depression, and sleep.  Well, it doesn't help with sleep so far. Straight after my call from my psychiatrist, Aviva insurance called.  The company I work for have been excellent regarding my mental illness, and I did not for one second think the benefit I'm entitled too, would be declined.

He said I have some bad news we are rejecting your claim.  I asked why given that I am under the care of a psychiatrist all my records say I have mental illnesses of various kinds which would take hours to discuss.  Why have I been declined, I asked? 

He said (this is an approximation as I am unable to remember his exact words), he had received my medical records since the beginning of my illness and he saw no evidence as to why I was not working.  He said an illness due to the work you do is not covered.  In laymen's terms, he was saying I am a lying, skiving, bastard who should be at work, and his insurance firm were not going to pay for me to skive.

I said so did you speak to my psychiatrist, and my therapist, or were you just a lazy bastard looking at the GP's notes.

Psychiatrist, he said, I see no evidence of a psychiatrist. I thought to myself fuck me I'm dealing with an incompetent idiot who is sounding so smug at giving a person with a mental illness terrible news. What a C-word ( I will not use such profanity though that is what he is).

I said yes, are you aware of the overdose last week. Now Aviva man's attitude started to change. Overdose, he said I was not aware of any overdose, you look like a lazy skiver pretending to be depressed because you don't like your job. (He didn't say that but he might as well have done).

I then said thanks a bunch pal, now I'm feeling like shit and totally depressed. He then got very stern and insisted I call the crisis team, and the samaritans, no mention of contacting the actual people helping me but what did he care. He just had to tick a few boxes covering his arse for the recording.  Duty of care its called, I went back to bed and suddenly started to feel incredibly depressed, then in less than 10 minutes I heard a bang on the door, he had sent the bloody police around, this made me feel even worse.  I told them they had better things to do and to get lost, which they did. They were nice enough, but I was now processing at incredible speed the idea that he thought I was a lying, skiving, bastard, and that the incompetent fool had not even bothered to find all the evidence regarding my case.

When I started at the company I work for, I told them in the first week I was bipolar and that there were times I get emotional for no reason and can get easily stressed and suffer from tremendous anxiety.  The company were great, very supportive and when I did have an episode, they said it was fine and not to worry.  Telling someone not to worry is not the right thing to do, telling someone they are doing well when they are not is also not good.  I am my worst critic, I expect to be one of the best in any job I do, and now I was one of the worst. My mental health started to worsen, and I could not get to sleep at night. I would lie there thinking about the next day and the terrible anxiety and ridiculous stress the job caused. By Christmas, I was starting to notice the depression, and it was creeping up on me slowly.  When you are bipolar, the highs are incredible, the lows are terrible, and for seven years, I had managed to control the mental beast.

I started to worry, even more, the anxiety increased I was not sleeping, I also had to contend with arthritis in my knees, which was crippling at times.  Then after Christmas, they started to ramp up what they expected from us, the honeymoon period was over, and now we had to get lots of sales as well as dealing with angry clients needing their software fixed.

One day in early February, I was in work sitting at my desk waiting to start the day when I noticed I was becoming emotional. (I also have some borderline personality traits, like quick changes in emotion from happy to sad to manic in 30 minutes).

So I knew I was about to burst into tears due to the pressure of the job, it was making my mental illness traits much worse, and dangerous.  I spoke to my manager, who I had always kept up to date with my mental health issues. I had just recently told her of suicidal feelings, and I sat in an office with my manager and a mental health care representative the company provides and cried like a baby. I said the pain I had to deal with daily was too much to bear, what was the point in living like this. I had no one, no relationship. My father had Alzheimer's, my mother, all alone. I didn't speak to my brother because of the abuse we suffered as kids.  I felt I was alone, and after about an hour of crying and listening, to them say it's ok everything is fine, don't worry, then my manager said well you have two choices you can take the rest of the day off as sick or as a holiday.  I had already been off earlier in the year and did not want to use that route, so I said holiday and they just let me leave. I was traumatised, and they just let me go, anything could have happened to me, they just let me leave.  It disturbed me that episode, but I was determined not to let it affect me.  I went into work the next day, and everyone was so lovely to me and very empathetic.  I tend to find younger people are more empathetic to mental illness than people my age.

Nevertheless, 'the damage was done', I now knew if I continued doing that job, I would end up dead.  I lay in bed at night, my mind ruminating, I was depressed and suffering from major anxiety at the same time, as well as arthritis in my knees.  I went to see a doctor, and she was not helpful at all, she said oh you've seen a psychiatrist before, so it's not my problem here's a sick note and fuck off.  She did not say those words, but she might as well have done.  The day was Feb 13th, a Thursday if I remember correctly, just before valentines day.

I then had a mental breakdown, I could not speak to anyone, and then the COVID kicked in, and I focused on that, thinking of my ridiculous fantasy I mentioned in my last post.  The pain was generally in my right knee, but now I was experiencing extreme pain in my left knee as well, and I could not walk more than 50 metres without being in intense agony.

Work told me I was going on to SSP, which is less than £400 a month.  I earned more in my first job, aged 17 in the bloody eighties.  Luckily, I do not have a mortgage, so I had to cancel my gym, sky, reduce my spending just to survive. I felt like a recluse, now you would think a lockdown would be perfect for someone who suffers from social anxiety, but no, it was worse.  I could not shop in the middle of the night when no one was there any more. One had to queue for hours and wear masks; it was horrible.  You all know what I mean you have lived through it too, March and April were terrible months.  Due to COVID, it took ages to get any help. It has taken from Feb 13th until today for the NHS to change my meds and give me an anti-depressant, and I told that first inept GP I was suicidal back then, they say clap for the NHS for COVID, but for months they did not care about anyone with other illnesses.

I had a conversation with my manager and an HR representative in July just before six months was up. I told them that a less stressful job might help me recover quicker, and they organised an occupational assessment.

The doctor was a lovely Scottish lady, and I told her everything, and she seemed helpful, and she said the disability act covered me and that the company had a duty to find me a less stressful job. She said to get another sick note, and I will speak to you in six weeks.  That was eight weeks ago, I then realised she worked for the company she was not there to help me but to assess me for them. I reasoned that I knew I was ill and I was not faking it, I had suffered this illness for a long time and never thought it could be bad for me.  I then started realising that with COVID, what job were they going to give me. It seemed to me when the doctor never called after six weeks that they were stalling, my manager told me to wait until Oct 7th and contact her if I still had not heard anything.  By October I would need another sicknote. My mind reasoned it was far cheaper for a company to have me on the sick than on furlough. 

Now the SSP had finished I had to deal with the DWP, which is an ordeal in itself, they would not start any benefits until they had conclusive evidence that I was not getting any insurance.  I contacted my manager, and they started the process, late, oh, and should I mention they claimed to have overpaid me and wanted the money back. Considering the company creates payroll software, the payroll department is crap at paying correctly.

I just wanted to get better I hoped the company would get me a less stressful job and I would be back at work by October, now that is not going to happen.  On several occasions I asked the company to sack me, I had only been working there for nine months, I had no rights under employment law, but they never did they just sent the bloody police around.  It would not look good to sack someone off work with mental health issues when you try to promote how you want to help people like me.

And so to now this second unable to sleep, I know it's early, but I thought the new meds would give me a good nights sleep which I needed—no such luck.

Today at around 12ish, paralysed with depression, suicidal thoughts racing through my mind and then the most horrific thing that I can ever remember and I have been through a lot of pain and misery in my life.

The only way I can describe it was like a stiletto knife blade, slowly driving into my brain and as it dug further and further and the pain increased, all I could hear in my mind was kill yourself, kill yourself over and over again.  It felt like being possessed, the voice was quiet and clear, kill yourself, over and over as the blade pressed deeper inside my mind. I started to shake like the girl in The Exorcist. It shocked me so much I could not speak, I called a friend who has mental health issues, we help each other out when we are feeling low, and I was incoherent, all I could think of was those words kill yourself.  It scared the shit out of me.  I've overdosed many times, and I've tried to kill myself once though I did it as a cry for help knowing I had a 60% chance of survival, this was something completely different. I do not want to die, and I hope the idiot insurance guy gets the letter from my psychiatrist and realises you cannot speak to people with mental illness like that. He even had the audacity to lie to my manager about me waiting for private mental health sessions, which I never said.  I was saying I am still waiting for the bloody doctor from the assessment to call.

Well, writing this has made me feel a little better, but I still cannot get that voice out of my head.

I'm getting sick of COVID-19 and lockdowns

 Being patronised by idiots is one of the most insulting things one feels when watching the COVID briefings. You hear so-called experts spout bullshit as if they know what they are talking about when it's obvious they don't.

When COVID or the CCP virus started, I was concerned this would be the SHTF moment that all those History Channel documentaries had talked about for years.  I became obsessed with the CCP virus. I watched all the YouTube vids and quickly realised that the information from the MSM or government was rubbish.  The virus was deadly, and many people were dying, and yet the governments of the world, especially the western ones wanted to pretend it was nothing, and allow life to continue as usual.

In February, I was suffering from major depression and anxiety, not due to the virus but from life.  I would go shopping at three in the morning, and I started to stock up on tins goods, water, flour, toilet rolls you name it getting in before the mad rush started. (Which did happen in late March). I got enough to last three months.  As the virus quickly spread across the world, I began to get a buzz out of watching it spread across the globe. How many more people had caught the disease, how many had died, which countries had been affected?  I know it seems terrible to think this way, but in my depressive state, I fantasised about something like this happening.  Too many programmes like the Walking Dead, made me go to bed and imagine what if the shit hit the fan what would I do, where would I go.  How would I survive, I had these weird ideas of getting a camper van (I love those big camper vans you see in Meet the Fockers).  So in my imagination, I somehow found one of these vans filled with all my favourite things and I would go to the middle of nowhere and hide.

 Then the virus hit and I started to realise my fantasy may come true and to begin with it was exciting, for a brief amount of time I left my depression, anxiety behind and focused on the CCP virus.

Then I started to see the stories of what this virus was doing to people, how they were isolated alone dying without their loved ones around them.  I watched videos on the effects of catching CCP virus even if it was mild.  The heartbreaking stories of people catching it twice and how it was causing massive internal organ defects.

I felt ashamed for feeling as I felt, I even wanted to catch the virus as a penance, and (this is how my fucked up mind works) to lose some weight.

Then in July, early August I started to see a change in my usual YouTube video fix ( I will say the guy I watched was excellent, very informative and never biased in his opinions, he showed the facts).  The vids were saying yes CCP virus was bad, but it was not as deadly as initially thought.  If you were under 60 and did not have any comorbidities (A word I'd never heard before COVID came along), then the chances of dying were minute.

Yes you may get the virus, and you may be sick, but most of us will never even know we have had it and some of us even have T-Cell immunity from having a cold (as they are from the same family).

I was initially sceptical, believing that as soon as we got to October, the deaths would rise and it would be like March again.

I then saw a video where the host explained the reasons for the initial high death rate from COVID.  Last years flu season was not as severe as expected, and the old who would have died then, were, unfortunately, dying of COVID in March.  He explained that unfortunately, it was likely to happen again once the flu season was with us.  The elderly will die of flu or COVID; it's now just a fact of life, and we need to accept this as the new norm.  Once it had killed off all the aged or people with severe comorbidities, and we started to understand how to stop the deaths, the death rate dropped considerably.  It is beyond reprehensible how our inept government treated the elderly in the early stages of this virus.  My father who has Alzheimer's disease, he has no short or long term memory, he lives in the moment and luckily is generally in a blissful happy state of everything being new every day of his life. It's heartbreaking to see my mother, knowing she has lost her husband of 50 years.  However, my father got a large lump on his leg and went to the hospital, and they said it was a blood clot and gave him blood thinners. They tested him for the virus, and he had it, my mother and I were terrified, we could not see him, he was alone in the hospital not knowing what was going on.  My father is very tactile and likes to move around and pretend to talk to people, he cannot make coherent conversation, but he can say phrases he has remembered.  The hospital decided to discharge him and send him back to the care home without informing us, he was bundled into a taxi by himself and sent back.  I was astounded at the lack of empathy towards my father, and it made me sick all this virtual signalling for the NHS clapping, how brave they were.  Hospitals are empty, and it must be great working there at the moment.  

The ER was empty when I was there for tests after my overdose last week.  

They did the same to me, after my overdose the night before my ER visit. I was in a manic or fugue state as I cannot remember being in the hospital.  I remember as if a dream being in a taxi and having no money and felt confusing, I could not speak it was like I had drunk too much.  I later found out the hospital had discharged me and bundled me into a taxi without any money or my phone.  Therefore, because of COVID, hospitals feel they can get rid of patients because of a virus that kills only 1% of the elderly.  I should have never been allowed to leave the hospital in the state I was in; it was irresponsible of them.

Now we are living through another lockdown, and the government pretends more people are catching the virus when, in reality, it is less as we are doing 100 times more testing than in March.  Imagine if we were doing the same amount of testing in March as we are doing now, 10's of thousands would have been catching the virus.

The lockdown is destroying the economy, destroying the lives of the young who are unable to enjoy their youth. The elderly are petrified but also sick of being told to stay indoors, my mother who is 74 and diabetic is so sick of being confined to her home she says, "if I catch it, I catch it, so be it, I do not care anymore". She says all her friends feel the same way.

If this lockdown continues through to Christmas, you will see mass anarchy and a collapse in society as we are starting to see in America. 

I believe categorically that 2021 will be far worse than 2020, war is coming, civil unrest has started, food shortages, massive inflation, and the eventual collapse of the stock market.  Adding icing to the cake, we are leaving the EU, with a lazy moron as our PM, what a country. 

If you think it's bad now, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Dallas F%&^ng Cowboys

 Ah, to be a Dallas Cowboys fan, what is it with that team they make so many mistakes, so many yellow flags flying it's a fucking disgrace.

Now let me say am British and have liked the Cowboys since the '70s when there were highlights of the Super Bowl in 1977, I was six, and I sat glued to the screen watching this incredible game. Roger Staubach, Tony Dorset, mad Randy White and the guy I always remembered was Ed 'Too Tall' Jones when you're six a name like that sticks in your mind. 

Through the 80's Channel 4 would show highlights every week, and I collected stickers of all the helmets, but I just loved the Dallas Cowboys.

When in the 90's they won three Super Bowls and created a dynasty that really should have won more if egos had not got in the way of common sense, I was ecstatic.  

Finally, a team I supported had won something.   And then Dallas won again and again, "How 'bout them Cowboys", I was amazed, it was great.  I live in the North East of England is cold and miserable, but we Geordies are a friendly bunch, and we love football (soccer to you Americans). Until fat Ashley took over Newcastle United, I supported them as my local football (soccer) team.   I was mad about the toon, even in the '80s when they were a second division team I stood in the Gallowgate end, I watch Alan Shoulder, Kevin Keagan arriving it was fantastic. They were great in the '90s and early '00s, and then fat Ashley took over, and interest started to wane.  I know people who have been Newcastle supporters having season tickets for years lose interest.  It's no good following a team that has no interest in winning.  Even if you have no chance you want to feel the team thinks there is a chance, the manager believes there is a chance, and the bloody owner does too.  All that fat bastard wanted was to advertise his shit sports shop that sells crap.  He could not give two tosses about Newcastle, and it saddened me.  I could not be one of the delusional supporters who would still support a team like that it made no sense to me. 

In addition to Newcastle, I was an England supporter, which is nearly as painful at times, and so when the Cowboys won it was a great feeling.  My favourite player was Emmit Smith, ah, he was amazing to watch, the greatest running back ever, with Aikman and Michael Irving, the wall of Dallas and of course the great Dion Sanders.  Watching them play was exciting, and seeing how they are so popular in America, I imagine many others thought that too.

Unlike Newcastle and fat Ashley, Jerry Jones wanted to win, he wanted the best team and most successful team, the biggest team, and he created the most popular team in the world.  I never knew this until recently how popular Dallas is.  Dallas is like Manchester United in Britain loved and hated. Despite that, compare the difference between Newcastle United and Dallas Cowboys, both owned by billionaires, both great in the '90s.  However, one is worth over $5 billion, and the other cannot sell for £300 million.  I know the comparison is like apples and oranges, but it shows that if you show a desire to win, even if you don't win, you can still be the biggest team in the world.  Look at Liverpool, they are a £ billion team, and they finally won the league.  Or the Boston Red Sox and years of pain losing to the Yankees, and of course the Chicago Cubs.

Anyway, back to Dallas, as everyone knows Dallas never wins anything these days, Jerry has lost his mojo, he's too old to run a franchise like Dallas these days, but will not step down until he's in his grave.  He had a fantastic team in the last 5/6 years, but terrible coaches, Jason Garrett, should have gone years ago, and now he has McCarthy. I was disappointed he did not hire a young coach with new ideas.  McVay ran rings around our offense in week one, and we were lucky to only lose by 3 points.  Then Dallas fluked a win against Atlanta and then got handed a lesson from Russell Wilson at Seattle.  If we had Wilson, we would have won every game, so far this season.  

The problem is Dak Prescott, he just not good enough to win games against great teams, and we will never be successful having him as a QB.  If we want to win a crap division like the NFC East by 7-9 every year whoopee what's the point.  We will never beat a team like Seattle, LA, Green Bay, even Tampa now, no chance.  We have a top three running back who did not play well last night, and we have the best wide receivers. But Lawrence is crap these days, Alton Smith was our best player by a mile. If you don't have one of these new-style QB's, Mahomes, Jackson, Wilson, Watson, you are never going to win the Super Bowl. Colin Cowherd said it best when he said Dallas would be average at best.  Is that what we want from our team, average.

Jerry, please retire, trade Dak and sack McCarthy, use Dalton for the rest of the season and pick up one of the stud QB's coming in next years draft. Yes, I know everyone will say don't be daft we may get a stinker, we may end up with a Trubinski, or Winston, but fuck me being average every year because our QB cannot beat quality teams is just as shit.

Dak is great against crap teams but cannot beat a great team. Can you imagine Tom Brady, Russell Wilson or Patrick Mahomes not scoring on that final drive last night, no they would have scored and probably got the two-point conversion as well.

We will never be Super Bowl contenders as long as Jerry gets yes men coaches and keeps Dak Prescott.

Finally, what a disgrace the NFC East is these days, I remember when they won five Super Bowls in six years they were the greatest division of all divisions, and now they are the worst.

Lifestyle change will it last?

 Lately, I have been a mess, and I'm three stone overweight, my knees are in constant pain, I am suffering from depression, and I live with anxiety nearly every day.  Last week I tried to kill myself, or so I thought, looking back I did not try to kill myself I wanted to make myself happy by taking a ridiculous amount of diazepam. Stupid when you think about it, but then being mentally ill makes you do dumb things in the vain hope it makes you feel something positive. 

Last week I also had a blood test, and due to excessive drug-taking because of my pain meds and mental illness meds, my kidney reading was a little high.  It got me thinking and, the logical reasoning that I use to get out of these situations kicked in, and I decided enough was enough. I had to change. Nevertheless, change is difficult, and how does one change when the usual outlet for this change is exercise.

I bought a smartwatch, I added a wellness app to my phone, not a fitness app a wellness one and I determined to change.

The first thing I needed to change was drinking water. I never used to drink any water.  I had one of those plastic bottles people use for the gym, just sitting there unused, I had never even taken the plastic of the bottle.  It holds about 750 ml of water, and I had many gallon water bottles bought earlier in the year when I thought the shit was going to hit the fan over COVID.  I now drink about 5 to 6 of those a day, instead of a coffee I drink water. 

Another reason why I decided I needed to improve my health is a little embarrassing, over the past year every two to three months if I am constipated due to the meds, I get a rectal bleed, sometimes its a lot of blood and other times a little.  I eventually plucked up the courage to tell the GP, he was concerned and asked me several poo related questions, and I am now of the urgent list for a camera up my backside. Although I do not feel worried about this, it did help me to revaluate my lifestyle choices.  

(That is the strange thing about my anxiety, leaving the house or thinking I have let someone down causes massive anxiety, perhaps having cancer no anxiety at all - fucking weird).

Therefore, now I have my smartwatch, and I drink lots of water, the next thing to tackle was my eating habits.  To say I am a binge eater would be an understatement, no matter how much I try, I cannot eat one of a piece of food I love. Crisps I eat every packet, chocolate I eat the whole bar, biscuits the entire box. I then mentally punish myself and vow never to do it again.  I have tried everything to get out of this habit, and I go through phases of not buying the items I love, or getting less fat or sugar versions, but to no avail. However, now I have the wellness app and the smartwatch and since I love stats and information.  I have found that I am not eating all of the sweet foods or crisps because now I am making a note when I eat something it makes me think about how many calories I am going to intake and I stop.  The watch also tells me when I have been inactive for too long, and now it has motivated me to move my arms or stand up and twist.  Yes, I know it sounds silly, but it seems to be working.  True it is early days, and I can change in a heartbeat, but one other great thing I have noticed is the pain in my knees is not as bad.  It still extremely painful when I walk downstairs but, the general movement like just standing and walking ten paces is much better.

Yesterday, I challenged myself to cycle up an incline I have avoided in the past, and I made it up without stopping. I can feel my fitness ethic returning, and it makes me feel happy.  Yes, I feel fucking happy, granted it was only yesterday but climbing the incline, drinking the water, less pain in my knees is improving my mood considerably.  

I have a long way to go, I am 18 stone, and so my goal is to get back down to 15 stone eventually.  I know it's not going to be easy, and my first goal is to make it to 100 kg, (I'm about 117 kg presently. I find it easier to work in kilos).

I do still have worries, my doctors want to prescribe me antipsychotics, which make you gain weight and the thought of going over 20 stone is something I could not cope with mentally.  I have told them this and asked if I could get a weight loss pill to combat the excess weight gain, but they would not entertain it.  It seems they will give you drugs to keep you calm but make you gain weight, but what is the point if it makes you so depressed you try suicide again.  My psychiatrist understands this and is trying to find a better solution, but my GP just does not get it.

Luckily, I do not drink alcohol,(mainly becuase I just dont like it anymore) which is a blessing in these trying times, I stopped taking drugs as well, so I am as clean as I have ever been.  I booked myself in for an NHS health check to see how unhealthy I am.  Hopefully, by the time I take the assessment, I will have started to improve my general health from drinking water, eating less and healthier, and doing more exercise.  Oh, I nearly forgot, and the writing, I know I am not the greatest writer, but the fact I am writing again is fantastic.  It helps tremendously.

The last problem I have that is not worrying me, but if it continues, it might start to affect my mental state of mind, is sleeping.  I am sleeping less. My smartwatch said I only slept for 5 hours last night and 3.5 hours tonight.  Additionally, most of my sleep is light sleep which cannot be good for my wellbeing.  Unfortunately, I need medication to sleep, and it has been an antipsychotic Quetiapine. However, the way it makes me feel in the morning is depressing, you feel fuzzy and dull like a grey painting, and recently I have felt incredibly depressed.  The psychiatrist is going to try and find better sleep medication.  I know some may say get off the meds, and you will eventually fall asleep naturally, this is not the case with me, I continuously ruminate and never get to sleep, my heart races, my legs shake, and I toss and turn.  It is unbearable by the morning I am so tired it makes me irritable and slowly leads to bouts of dissociation and mania.

Well, I think that it enough for today, let's hope I can write again tomorrow and keep up my return to a healthy lifestyle.

Will We Survive Winter 2020, Spring 2021? War is coming

 The world is in a precarious situation, the saying "what comes around goes around" seems apt.  It is like we have forgotten how destructive war is and the divisions it causes. Division especially appears to be the issue in 2020, the left and their Woke ideology, the right and their nationalistic pride.

America is a powder keg ready to blow, and any sane person must be able to see the signs.  Whatever happens in their election, one side will feel betrayed and blame the other side calling out the corrupt system that is endemic in the US.

Now I would like to think I am left-leaning, I voted Labour, but if the right had a good idea, I would not rubbish it for the sake of it, to me that is a childish attitude to have. I wanted to see a government that cared for it's citizens instead of the bungling fool who won the election, Boris Johnson.  The COVID fiasco has shown how inept our government is, and they are like headless chickens reacting instead of being proactive.

We now live in a country that resembles Nazi Germany/ Stalinist Russia in the 30s, snitch on your neighbours, disallow any pleasure.  Being young today must be awful, and I have great sympathy for the students going to university for the first time, and missing out on all the social events that would normally be happening.  In the UK we are close to a civil war between the young and old.  Although I feel they have taken woke culture and identity politics too far, I understand why they think the way they do.  Young people, whether they are white, black, Asian, gay (LGBTQ+), or straight, are feeling let down, and they are sick of it, they are sick of being persecuted. Sick of being underrepresented and used as a device for people to virtual signal, and with no one listening to them.  I suffer from a mental illness, and I think the same way at times, my life has not been great and so although I have no idea what it is like to be called racist remarks or laughed at for being queer or trans. Or attacked for being gay. I feel an inner struggle to deal with who I am and how others perceive me.

As far as America goes the issues they have a far greater than the UK's, as they own millions of guns they have militia armies of radical left and right and it is only a matter of time before a gun battle ensues.

And then there is China, we have removed the curtain after the COVID CCP Virus, and the world now sees China for what it is. Public enemy number one, after their blatant lies about the COVID (CCP Virus), when something might have been able to combat it.

The CCP is just like the mafia, a criminal organisation that steals ideas, persecutes its citizens, brakes international laws and pretends to help by giving loans and building roads. Still, the cost to the countries ends up being considerably higher than the gain.  Now the US has made China enemy no.1, and companies are pulling out, moving their factories to India and Vietnam.  The Chinese economy is going to be bad this year; continuous floods and other extreme weather events are going to cause famine when you have 1.4 billion mouths to feed.  The fact they have reneged on the agreement over Hong Kong and their treatment of the Uighurs and other ethnic groups is appalling. 

The US has banned Chinese phone apps, and it had banned the sale of microchips to Chinese companies. Eventually, the CCP will have no choice to but to react.

As Taiwan is the closest country that has the chips required for the latest technology, don't be surprised if China invades Taiwan.  They have illegally built airbases in the South China Sea, they have started fights with India in the Himalayas.  I can see Xi doing what Hitler did when he invaded Czechoslovakia and invading Taiwan.  Doing this when the US is a crisis seems like the type of thing the CCP would do.  Would America attack China, a nuclear power over Taiwan?  With all the political strife in the US, China may take the opportunity to try a first strike.  There is a reason the US, Japan, India and Australia have created a south pacific NATO.

China is a country in deep trouble internal fighting, terrible natural disasters and being the country that created COVID CCP virus. 

When the depression starts to kick in around the world, which it will, it is only a matter of time, we will be reliving the 1930's, and we all know what happened at the end of that decade.

War is coming; it is inevitable.