Wednesday, 8 March 2017

The beginnings of relationships and the lies people tell.

I'm drunk! I am going to write about feeling thoroughly miserable wishing I had not had the life I had led and so made what could end up being a massive mistake. I've made many mistakes, they haunt me and dwell in my mind when I least expect it.  They tend to be about women, and the ones I have let go or even never made an attempt at, which is probably worse.

I made a grave error in female relationship judgement on Monday, or at least it feels that way now. Perhaps it was the right move, who knows it does not feel that way at present.

All I have ever wanted was to find someone who loved me as much as I loved them. To live together and fall in love and all that romantic shit men are supposed not to want. I wanted all that. A beautiful woman offered me all that, and for some unfathomable reason I turned it down.

Perhaps, it was because we had only had one date and that she mentioned, marriage before living together, on a phone call the very next day that alarmed me. Perhaps, it was because she was Muslim and I would feel, as an atheist, ostracised from her family, and not feel part of her family. Perhaps, it was because she was lying to her family about how she felt about drinking alcohol and having sex. To be honest, I'm not sure, I think it was the latter, but I imagine the being a Muslim did not help.

Nevertheless, it happened.  I had a beautiful woman, a professional woman, a woman who liked me and would like to marry me and I sent her an email telling her why I could not continue our relationship.

It haunts me now why I did this, I wrestled with it for a whole day, whether I could see past the lies and the deceit. Whether, the fact she was beautiful, intelligent and successful would override my inert realisation that something was not right.

Anyway, I made the call to end the relationship after a month of talking and one date. Being told the day after a great date (nothing happened apart from kissing) that if we move in together, we have to be married beforehand, and that it would kill her mother if she ever found out she had sex with me, made me feel like I was a teenager again. It sent alarms bells ringing.

I've nearly drunk a whole bottle of Chablis, and feel rather pissed. Still, I wish I could have perhaps seen how things were going.  Even though I knew how they were going, I knew because I had been through it before. I had dated a bisexual girl, who had told me about her sexuality, but would not tell her friends or family.  It did not end well. I saw the same situation, the same lies, only this time a different type of deception. Was I right to say no? Stay single in the hope one finds someone who is even close to matching this woman?  Who, I had said no to because her situation reminded me of an old relationship.

I said no, and I feel bloody miserable for saying it. Why can't life be easier?