I have not written for a while, but I am sitting here, it's 5.30 am and I thought I would add my thoughts about my latest suicide attempt, which I now realise was an overdose, my stupid mind thinking taken 50 10 mg of diazepam would make me happy.
It was different this time, usually, when I try, it is a half-hearted attempt, take too many pills, you know you'll likely survive, and I always do, I always wake up.
What made this attempt different is that I am living with knee and leg pain. For years my get out of jail free card was exercise, fitness, being physically healthy, and so I could always use exercise to save me, it was my safety blanket. Now, this is not the case; arthritis is crippling my knees and causing unimaginable pain at times. My left leg will not straighten, and I limp around like an 80-year-old. When I attempt to go for walks, my 74-year-old mother can walk quicker than I can. As I am now unable to straighten my left leg as it causes shooting pain, I find it challenging to get to sleep. The drugs I take I starting to not work in helping me sleep, I wake up in pain, if I have moved while asleep. When I do wake up, I lie there staring at the ceiling full of anxiety and depression because the pain is so extreme when first getting out of bed to make you want to cry. I have to sit down to descend the stairs because the pain is so bad after waking.
I am sure many people have lied in bed in the wee dark hours wondering is it all worth it. All I think about is, if this is what my life is going to be like, I am only 49 for god's sake, then what's the point.
I've tried to commit suicide many times before, reliving abuse from my childhood; however, physical pain is like adding a constipated turd on top of a shit sandwich.
As if living with this is not bad enough, we have COVID to contend with, and it seems it's an excuse to go back to the days when the NHS took bloody ages because of long waiting lists before helping anyone.
Speaking of COVID, presently, a bunch of morons are running the country, they do not have one clue what to do. Is it not about time that there were training and exams before being able to take the highest offices of power in this country?
Why did they not use the temporary Nightingale hospitals for COVID and leave the regular hospitals for elective surgeries, for people with cancer and all the other ailments that are far more important than bloody COVID? It seems as though the world governments want to destroy everything and send us back to the stone age. The world is on a precipice similar to the 1930s; it feels like we are a Gavrilo Princip moment away from WW3. Perhaps the disgraceful death of George Floyd is that moment, but it feels something worse is still to come.
COVID seemed dangerous in the beginning, but now it kills next to no-one, and yet we are living like its NAZI Germany or Stalinist Russia.
We are a spit away from a major war, either between left and right, or China and the west. Civil unrest is going to continue, and the buffoons at the top - Johnson and Trump, and god forbid senile Biden - let's face it we're are all fucked.
Consequently, after being stuck in lockdown with depression and anxiety, severe pain in my legs and knees, bouts of insomnia, and a feeling of despair and dissatisfaction, I decided to take 30-40 10mg diazepam.
I have no recollection of what happened apart from a dream-like state which I felt after the attempt.
According to my mother, I was screaming that I was in so much pain in my legs that I could not take it anymore. The paramedics came and took my meds from me, and I went to the hospital. I had vague dream-like memories of trying to speak saying I was fine but being unable to communicate a coherent sentence. It was like being extremely drunk.
I was also not allowed any visitors because of COVID, and sometime in the early hours, I was discharged still in a fugue state, still unable to communicate and without any money or my phone. How I managed to get home is anyone's guess.
I do not know if the NHS was helpful or not, it did not seem as though they were and I thought of all those virtue signallers clapping for the brave NHS - what a load of bollocks.
It seems the NHS has regressed. They have no money, and they seem to be using COVID as an excuse to do nothing to help people. More people are dying from everything other than COVID presently. This sham of a government is bumbling along like Johnson always does, like when he was stuck on the zip wire, and fat fool unable to do anything but waffle on talking nonsense.
If things continue as they are going and unemployment continues to rise, civil unrest will increase, when the furlough ends and there are no jobs for millions of people, what will our bungling government do then? In America, it seems even worse no matter the outcome of the election in November, one side will feel aggrieved, and with all the guns they have the states, civil war is almost inevitable.
2020, will go down in history never to be forgotten but I have a horrible feeling 2021 will be worse. No wonder suicide rates are through the roof.
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