Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Love and Hurt

What is this world I see before me, all around clouds of darkness, the light that once shone inside my heart, the light which filled the day with splendour and glory; she is gone.  Her memory fades, her beauty so unmistakable, lingers, as a ghostly veil across my eyes.  Close them tight to see the tiniest glimpse of her tenderness and grace, close them tighter to see the bosom of her breast, the beating heart of desire, lock in the memory of her touch, a gentle caress, the subtle whisper, “I love you.”

Yet she is gone, gone from the world, destroyed by the selfishness of a beast, a connivance, a deceit, an obliteration of my world.  She is gone, my world is lost, my will diminished, for I would die a thousand times and still never match her exultation.  For, forever, eternity, she is gone.  What do I do, how do I survive?  What peace can I ever afford myself?  What happiness do I deserve?

Revenge! Revenge will keep my honour and the name of my love.  Vengeance against the beast will be my only reprieve from the agony of my loss.  I will spend my life finding him, the man who destroyed my life, the man who took away all that was sacred to me.  For he will pay in blood and death, and all my pain will be brought down upon his head.

Shattered, broken, lost, alone, only shadows, only whispers, I search and search, I will not rest until the day of judgement.  Long years will pass, youth will disappear, strength will wane, all hope will be lost.  Yet still deep in my heart, I see her beauty to this day, she is there with me, she is trying to tell me to stop.  She wants me to let her go, to allow her to be free so I can be free.  Alas revenge blinds me from all thoughts, as I search and I search.

Nearing the end, life’s long battle is nearly lost, only glimmers of what might have been, never seen.  It is not long now, my search is nearing its end, then I can rest, and I can have some peace.  Still vengeance keeps my heart cold and my life force in a perpetual state of rage.  He is close, years of chasing shadows, decades of hunting ghosts, and now as the sun sets, he is found.

As I stand in front of his house, I feel a conflict in my heart and my willpower starts to fade.  Surely my life has not amounted to this, wasted, pursuing a nightmare, black of dread the outcome be.  Grief pours out of me with every step towards the door, tears fall, desperation drives me forward. I knock.

An old man stands there in front of me, the beast, the man who destroyed my life, “you are Mr David,” I ask.


I look at this old man, he is weak and feeble, he does not seem the beast to me, he is what I have become.  He is no beast, he is my creation of a beast, he is my need to have a beast.  I turn around and start to walk away; I cannot kill this man, the man that I blame for ruining my life, the man who I thought of as a beast.  He is a mortal man, a man of mistakes, he deserves no punishment.

Though deep inside the fury still does not leave, it now replies, a devils curse, I turn back towards him. “You are the man who killed my wife, murdered my daughter, vile abuser of the laws of the land and I am here for my vengeance.”

I roar with rage, and then the heaven’s open, a deluge, a biblical storm ensues.  The man slams the door shut, I pound and pound, “you will pay, you will pay”.  Yet my life is over, I feel the fury leave, seeping away like poison from a puss filled sore.  I fall to my knees, why did I lose sight of the light?  Was it fair to have two short years of blissful happiness, and the rest of my life in eternal damnation and turmoil?  Why did I create this misery?  The rain did pour as heaven’s tears upon my dear dead Grace, for she is light, and she is hope, and only darkness can remain in her stead.  

Yet finally my life of pain desists, and I can abstain from this excruciating pasture.  For now is my time to meet her once more, to fall in love another time, to remember her elegance and beauty.  Every moment of our time together is now so clear, every second in abject happiness and wonder, every minute of tenderness and affection, every hour of romantic desires, and every day of unadulterated love.

I do not feel any emotion but love, my mind is blissful and seeks forgiveness.  Slowly I close my eyes, and leave this world as I intended, smiling, remembering my true love.

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