A life is a funny old game we play. I was once unhappy with my life, so I decided to write this blog and I called it the CaptiveThinker. Captive because I was trapped in a nightmare, unable to break free, unable to fathom how to get out of the chasm I found myself in. I was deep in dire shit, unable to control my life. I was in the hands of others and they made my life a living hell.
I would not like to call myself a control freak, but I do like to be in control, I like to know that it is me who decides my future, not someone else.
I suffered a significant amount of mental damage over those years when I had lost my control and I was a captive thinker. When one loses control, one loses their dignity, their sanity slowly worsens, you become a shell of your former self. You hide away, not wanting to be seen, for if you are seen, and someone you know, someone you may have cared for even, says how are you? It is hard not to become emotional and say no life is not good. Life is so sad I want to tell you to go away and leave me alone and let me wallow in my self-pity for a while longer.
When you start to feel this way you begin to become irrational and say and do things without realising you are doing it. You turn into a Jekyll and Hide character, or should I say a caricature of what you think life might or should be. You stay awake at night and only ever leave your house when you feel there is less likelihood of people being around. You start to hate being near people they scare you, make you have to face the fact you are now in your own mind a demon. Someone who cannot ever be happy and unfortunately because the problem is mental it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your head in is turmoil, you are unable to realise what you are doing things that are not normal. You lose all sense of reality. Your mind switches off sometimes for days, and strange things happen, you can create a fantastic painting or you can drink too much and take copious amounts of drugs until your mind comes back to reality. Then you are unaware of what you have done, or, at least, youthink you are aware, it is more like a dream or a nightmare depending on the outcome. This is scary, when I used to dissociate and go places in my mind, I am unable to describe.
There that is what it is like when one is mentally ill and has no control over one's life. Now, I have control and though I still suffer from mental illness. (I would like to say I am not at all ashamed of being bipolar and all the other mental illnesses my psychiatrist says I may or may not have). One does not tell a person with cancer it is wrong to say they have cancer, well I have a mental illness, so there and I have no issue with this fact, at least, I do not now. I am trying my very best to use this new control I have to create a new and better life for myself and now I am in control, I have no excuses, I will win and not fail.