Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Being Bipolar – Depressed and Manic

Destroy my life, destroy my soul, let me weep in the corner, lost in the shadows.  Let me curl up into a black hole, to suffer the indignity of my existence.  Can life be a melancholic maelstrom of condemnation?  Is it always this cruel?  The mind it plays malevolent tricks forcing one to self-deceive, never to conceive of the actuality of the existence of a problem.  When a problem is obvious to the host, clear yet blurred, obfuscating the truth, until the truth is washed away.  Only bare stones and jagged rocks lie there, left alone.  The walls are closing in; darkness is descending faster than dusk in winter.  No strength to fight back.  Perhaps the feeling of an impending inner doom clouds judgement.  How can one feel happiness, when one only feels shame and suffering?  How can one feel tenderness and care when one only knows pain and misery?  I am worthless, pointless, useless, let me lie here in the corner, out the way. Deal with it some may say.  Do not give in.  Be positive and try to see the bright side.  Try as I may, the more I want to feel positive and happy, the more I feel life slipping away.  Dire thoughts full of pain.  The more I try to find peace and goodness, the harder it is to find.  The Armageddon is on its way, it is the size of a death star and it is about to slam straight into my mind.  The molten mess; the blood; the last breath; the sense of impending doom;  that something better is never going to happen in this corrupt, depraved, miserable, world.  This world is not for me.  For however I try to please, to enjoy, to understand, I am always wrong.

Fly like a bird; let me feel the breath of greatness on my soul.  You cannot control me; I am above reality, beyond culpability.  Extremely excited, my mind is full of amazing ideas and concepts, they are breaking out faster than bombs falling on Dresden.  I am GOD, the one, the only living entity that can see and know.  Nitrous Oxide ignites inside me.  Oh, my pleasure sensors are racing, I feel alive, and I want to spread my wonder around so everyone can feel as I do.  Can you feel it, well, can you?  Can you rise up like a phoenix, burning with desire; I want what I want and I will get it.  No one can stop me.  Brace yourself for the surge of greatness.  Do you want what I have?  It is so amazing.  Perhaps if you are really nice.  I’ll keep on misbehaving.  Go on let me continue; don’t try to stop me, for I will not allow you to take away my enjoyment, my happiness, my pleasure.  Gold and light, shines down, blessing the world, at least it does in my world, in my cocoon, in my happy place.  I am right and never wrong, I am bright and I am strong.  I can do anything and I will show the world.  I can even sing, haha.  Do you understand I will tell you all for free?  This is what it’s like to be wonderfully happy.

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