Monday, 14 February 2011

Finding Happy Mediums

First of all I am not talking about looking for cheerful psychics, I mean finding away to control my desire to either do something to excess or to not do it at all. I can give two examples here food and exercise, I either do tonnes of exercise, so much so I become in a way addicted for a short period of time. When this happens, I can easily play two games of squash, go on a bike ride for 30 miles, then do some weights, maybe walk another few miles, whatever. It seems that any amount of exercise is never enough exercise, this in turn makes me lose lots of weight, I can go from 100kg to 90 kg in the space of two weeks, no problem. I then start to get down to about 86 - 88kg and I find I cannot exist on the amounts of food I am eating, so steadily I eat more and more food, and I do more and more exercise, without losing any weight and for a brief period of time my weight stabilises at around 90-92kg. I know this because it has been happening definitely for the last eight years of my life. Before then it was probably more erratic and the time periods were longer.

Now when it is in the stable phase, it is not really stable, all that is happening is that I am eating so much food and doing so much exercise they cancel each other out. The problem is I start to eat the wrong types of food because I forget, and feel well it doesn’t matter if I have a burger or a pizza, or three or four bags of crisps, it won’t hurt if I eat a whole packet of biscuits or a bar of chocolate. Eventually though, I cannot sustain the level of exercise and I become bored with doing it and it is difficult and everything becomes laborious. I become more tired, and more restless at the same time as now the ease of life disappears. I stop going to the gym as much, or when the weather is bad I get the bus instead of walking or using my bike. I play less squash and slowly the weight starts to rise. I will have moments when I do more exercise but overall the levels decrease rapidly.

Then I get to the situation I found myself in three weeks ago, I feel fat, overweight, lethargic, and more self conscious, less happy, more disturbed. And it reaches a point where I am shocked into a change, normally when I weigh myself and the level is around 100kg. And then the cycle starts again, less food is the first thing, then more exercise and more and more and more, so far in the last week I have lost 6kg, and one day played squash for around 3 hours, I have played squash every day since then for at least an hour, and did weights, walked everywhere, as well as going out on my bike even when the weather is crap. For some reason exercise is much easier now than it was six weeks ago, instead of saying no I won’t bother, I now go twice, and I know this is only the beginning. So how do I stop the cycle, I don’t know at the moment because every time I have been in this situation I have asked myself the same question. Maybe writing it down will help, who knows.

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