Friday, 28 January 2011

Alive and Free

Wow we are nearly into February of another year; I notice I have not written much about ‘My Universe’ recently. I am not sure why, not sure what changed in me to stop, I feel more relaxed at the moment. Then again as long as work don’t contact me, my stress levels stay down, they have a strange affect on me now I think about it. A friend of mind asked if I would speak to another friend who is connected with my old work, I became very flustered and anxious, I told him I could not speak to that person, because of their association with my old hell hole. He was surprised but he doesn’t understand, they basically abandoned me, left me for dead so to speak. It is a bit like that bit in ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’, when Blonde leaves Tuco in the desert to die, without any remorse I was forgotten about, after so many years service. So you could say I despise my old work place, I hate everything associated with it, and I will never be well until I am free of that company. This causes me a massive problem, because I cannot be rid of them whilst I am ill, so I am stuck in a Catch 22 situation. And I have to deal with that, it crosses my mind sometimes, but I am like a snake, I can easily shed my skin and replace it with a new one. It does not bother me as much as it did, as I realise people have lives to lead and they are very busy and who wants to take the time to deal with a mentally ill person who is causing distress, as well as being a pain in the arse. No one actually does, well that is not quite true, there are some people who have been brilliant, they have been patient with me and not told me to get lost. Many times they could have, I have let many people down over the last 12 months, yet those last twelve months seem like a blur to me. It is as if I have watched it happen from a massive cinema screen, watching a character that I knew was me, yet not me at the same time. One hellish biopic of my pitiful life, played out like a scary movie, it does not seem real, it is terrifying to me personally.

This saved me, this blog saved me from total despair, it has brought me into a saner situation, I feel safer, yet still incredibly emotional, I still do stupid things and I still feel like crap. I felt dreadful Sunday until Wednesday of this week, but I was able to cope with it better, I was able to assess the damage it was causing and rationalise it, and hopefully learn from it. I still feel trapped, I still feel I want to leave here and go somewhere else, anywhere else, a place where no one knows me, and I can be a new person, like a butterfly changes from a caterpillar.

I am sick of winter, and want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face once more; I want to see the greenest trees and the flowers in bloom. I want to feel alive, and free, let’s hope this year I will feel both many times.

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