I think I need to be a bit more proactive with my life; I seem to let it pass me by without trying as hard as I should. At least I feel that way; do I try hard enough, can I try harder? I suppose you can always try harder, but what I feel I need to do better, is trying harder at the right parts of my life. It is no use trying harder at something that has little to no benefit to my life. I know what I need to try harder at, and that is making better decisions, as I feel I make some bad ones at times; I say things I don’t really mean and I never understand why I do this. I convince myself afterwards I am in some way either testing myself or the person I am saying it to. As if to see how loyal a friend are you? Or do I really want to be doing this? Or is this really the right path to take? Why should that be necessary?
I make irrational choices, lots of them and I have made them all my life. It’s as if I know the right decision to make is A, but since it is so obvious, I will not make that choice; I will make choice Z instead. This leads to confusion, as eventually there comes a time when you need to know with certainty that picking choice A is the right decision and since I have made so many false choices through sheer bloody mindedness, I allow myself to become less certain and more confused. I then find myself in a position of disadvantage, the laws of averages have been reduced and are now not in my favour to make the right decision, and because of this I tend to make the wrong one, more often than not. Stupid really, isn’t it?
So how to change it, well this has to be the hardest thing about my mental illness to change, because I am at a stage in my life where bad decisions will have far greater damage to my life, far more than when I was younger. When you are young you can shrug off any obstacle, and carry on regardless, it becomes more difficult to do this when you enter the terrible forties.
Can I change it? I don’t know, I hope I can, I feel I am starting to make better decisions, though I am still making the wrong ones. Maybe I need to not punish myself so much for making them. Luckily for me, I have an unusual optimistic streak that runs through me and has run through me all my life, it has caused issues most of my life, since I can be too optimistic at times. It is different to being positive or negative, as that is a more of a short term perspective to me; optimism is a long term view point. Looking at my life as a whole and saying I will succeed, I will get out of this mess and find the peace and happiness, the freedom and level of success I feel I can achieve. I have this inner belief I will do it, and this keeps me alive, I know deep down that I am starting to make more good decisions, and less bad ones, which I will take as a positive.
So to sum it all up, I love writing my blog, because it is helping me to rationalise my situation better, it is hopefully improving my writing skills in many facets of writing. It must be quite weird for anyone who reads it to see, I post about tennis, then cricket, then films, then my mental health, then a blast about society or politics and then of course my philosophical views on the Universe; haha what a strange weirdo, but so, that is me, oh and I cannot believe I forgot this, my fictional writing.