Saturday, 9 October 2010

The Light that gives me Hope

When I feel as I feel now, I wish I could bottle it, and then be able to drink its wonderful medicine. I wish it was that simple, I wish it was that easy, if it was that easy, how much better my life would be.  Unfortunately it is fleeting, without knowing it, I sense it is increasing, the more I put my feelings, my issues, my rights and wrongs, my failings, my mind and soul into words.  The more I do this, the more I feel a sense of worthiness; a sense I may eventually feel I have achieved something, beyond my ridiculous and insurmountable goals.  I hope that I can one day feel I have matched what my warped mind expects, and classifies as success.  Who knows, but it is definitely pointing me in the right direction, at least at the moment it is.  I have to continue to think positively, to continue to believe I am on the right track.  My mind plays awful tricks on me at times, deluding me I am better than I really am, making me believe in the blink of an eye I can switch it on or off.  Yet in these wonderful moments of clarity, I know this is false, I know it is my mechanism to cope with my life.  And I thank it for that, but eventually I will have to address the deepest problems, and face up to what it is that holds me back.  It scares me to death, I don’t know if I will be able to do this at times.  It fills me with dread, and foreboding.  Can I do this?  Can I eventually banish the final barriers, the final shields, the final defence mechanism? I hope I can, I have to believe I can.  The light is dim, but there is a light, and that light will save me.


  1. Hello Captive Thinker,
    I think you have more than hope - you are obviously beginning to tackle your inner most fears so you are gradually moving beyond just HOPE. Robert Louis Stevenson said 'It is better to travel hopefully than arrive', indicating how hope can be a pleasant in itself. In particular, hope is often tinged with the fear both that you will not get what you want, and also that even when you achieve your goal, it will not be as perfect as your fantasized eventualities.
    As a result, many people are happy just to hope. All you need to do is offer them this, as all casinos do to their hapless customers. Many such punters will merrily gamble away until their money is all gone, then return time and again just to experience that temporary thrill of hope.
    I don't think you come into this category. You don't want to return to the negative states and are positively taking steps to make sure things gradually improve for you. Keep going, never, never give up - you will get there. Bon Voyage!

  2. Thanks for the comments, I appreciate them. I am trying to go beyond that and I feel that I am starting to succeed, in the past I could not have started a blog. It’s funny but I remember a book and audio book by the Barefoot Doctor, it’s called Manifesto, he states that people live exactly the lifestyle they want, because as you say more people want to imagine and dream about things than actually doing them. I want to do them I know that. It has taken me an age to get this far, I am not there yet but at least I know I am on the right track.

  3. You are on the right track and you know it. Challenging things will appear on the track, they are meant to but you will be all the more stronger and a better person for it. Does anyone really appreciate the things that happen easily? - for a short while maybe but then they may think that they didn't really deserve it and the good feelings would leave quite soon or they might get lazy and think that they don't have to work towards goals, thus breeding lack of motivation and greed. Your trials will ensure that you feel you really deserve what you get, along with gaining the knowledge to share with others on a similar track.
    You will succeed and the means to do it are out there for you. You will find them and the more you accept the higher purpose of these trials today and take learning from them, the quicker you will reach your goals.
    May good health and good reason accompany you.