Monday, 4 October 2010

What is wrong with the world?

I feel so mad and stressed I could scream, we live in a shit world; we live in a nasty, heinous world. For anyone who does not know, I am supposed to be recovering from a nervous breakdown, I have many emotional issues I am trying to come to terms with, I am sick of feeling like I feel. I want to get better but the world does not want me to get better, it seems hell bent on making me worse. When I first was ill, the wonderful doctors gave me pills that made me feel worse, then when I told them they doubled the dose. This made me feel so bad, to the point of being suicidal, to add to my misery, my landlord for the block of flats I live in started to renovate, for five or six months all I could hear was banging and drilling. The drilling was so bad it made the room vibrate, it cracked the ceiling, but did anyone care, no of course not, no one gave a damn. I tried to tell my doctor how bad I was feeling but they never listen, I tried to tell the council about the noise, but they didn’t care, I wrote to my European MP’s and received an email saying how I should get some help – no shit.

In January as I stood on a bridge, looking over the freezing cold water, I wanted to end my life, I wanted to die, I hated existence so much it drove me insane, I felt alone, I felt no on listened or cared. I thought about how I would end my life, would I jump off the bridge or run in front of a car or train. Maybe I should take pills or slash my wrists, believe me I thought of every possible way, but I could not do it, I did not know if I wanted to die, but I knew I did not want to be alive, as a cripple or scarred, that would be worse. So I didn’t do it, but I hated my life, I could not go home, the noise of the drilling was that bad, I did not know what to do. I suddenly realised why so many people just attempt suicide, just to be heard, I have never understood that in the past, but then it was glaringly obvious. When no one ever listens the only thing to do is something so extreme, so terrible, maybe they will finally listen. My state worsened and I ended up in hospital, but since I told them I was not going to kill myself I was kicked out like a Christmas pet that no one wants.

I was a mess, I was paranoid and delusional, I found out work were giving out voluntary redundancy, yet they had not told me, this made me worse. When I was told of the package, I did not know what to do, do I take the money, when I feel so dreadful, so out of focus. I was advised to not accept, and to get well, work told me I would go on their insurance policy which would cover me for 75% of my wage, I did not realise what would entail and I was never fully told.

When the time came to getting the insurance, I had to go through many questionnaires,. They made me feel worse, I was now stressing about whether I would be accepted or not, this did not help my recovery. Then they told me three months after I would have to claim a portion of the money from the government, approximately £4670 from the government, not a small amount of money. I started the claim I was told I had to fill in more forms and I waited ages before hearing back, then I had to go for a medical assessment, and then I waited hoping they would pay me soon. Since my work had taken the money I should have been receiving off the government off me, I was really skint. I had no money, I had spent my whole working life clearing off debt, and now I was in debt again, this of course made me feel more stressed, more ill. The only thing keeping me going was writing my blog, I felt I had to just stay calm, the money would eventually come.

Today though, since I had not heard anything from the government, I rang them, which is an incredibly hard thing for me to do, and they told me I was not entitled to any money from them. They had not even bothered to tell me, they would have just left me to wonder until I could ring up. Now what do I do, how do I get that extra money I need to survive? I feel miserable, alone without hope, for every time I hope; every time I try to be positive, I seem to get knocked back down. I always seem to have to get back up and start again; I am starting to get sick of having to do this. What does it take in this world for life to be better than this?

I haven’t edited this, it is just written as I thought of it, it is how I feel and why I am so unhappy, I don’t want to be like this. I want to get well, but it seems I will never get well, because society does not care or give a damn about it citizens.

I would have written this and filed it away like the many others I have written, but to hell with that, this is me and what I have to put up with. I want to change it; I keep on hoping I will.

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